Please be aware that this post includes details of legitimate events and may include uncomfortable topics. Discretion is most appreciated because while I write and share to inform audiences, there is content within this post that may be considered offensive.
I spy with my little disturbed perspective, something in my mentality beginning with 'P'. Can you guess what it is? Here's a clue; its something that theoretically everyone would experience, or at least know about.
Yes, the 'P' in SJBMCPRS is 'Paranoia;! No points will be awarded to the following people who would think the 'P' could stand for something like 'Puberty', a 'Plane', 'Pokémon', 'Penguin', 'Peas' or 'Porsche', 'Peter Andre', or 'Peter Jackson' (or the countless other things that begin with the letter 'P'). Paranoia is the double-edged sword that cleaves my brain into a billion Rubik's Cubes; each with its own voice and a lifetime of sugar supply meaning they won't ever shut up, and impales the heart and gut in my body. This relentless infliction forces me to question every day situations and occurrences and endlessly ponder as I try to perceive if something that I'm paranoid about is 'good' or 'bad'.
Seriously; I go back and forth, swaying from side to side like a bear influenced by the consumption of LSD on a tricycle suspended on a wire above a pool of eels, sharks, a lion, and David Cameron doing a bulls*** twenty (20) hour conversation about how he wishes he could be loved...every time I consider having a glass of banana milkshake!! Why? because of my paranoia, that's why; as nice it is to drink, the inner voices argue like the morons in Parliament that its dairy and its got too much sugar which may lead to diabetes and believing more and more that I am becoming obese when in reality I am not according to some people (i.e. family).
Honestly if someone can give an example as la, la as Lady Gaga on cocaine as I did just above, they need to be tied down onto a stretcher and weighed down by the anchor of the Titanic! Perhaps that's why I keep getting calls from Broadmoor Hospital.
................Okay..........take a breather and count how many times I would like to take a steaming hot frying pan to the faces of the people who decided that a 'Park and Ride scheme' would cut back on traffic and pollution in Weymouth and support the idiocy that is Justin Bieber! Okay, I'm good......
From my perspective; paranoia is the friend I've always had and grown up with to appreciate and despise, and its so well woven into my mentality and way of life that its easier to do the Macarena for an hour with a beehive wedged down my throat and the total mass of the Palace of the Parliament in Romania over my shoulders. In short; I'm paranoid, hence it representing the 'P' in SJBMCPRS. If one is to look up the definition of paranoia, its safe to assume that most of what is said is true about the state of my mentality.
Therefore, I am one (1) of those people who glances over his shoulder to check if anyone is following, and if that's the case then I will subsequently adjust my current pace and COA according to whether I feel comfortable or not. I am one (1) of those people who will obsess about what I would do if I was attacked, stabbed, shot, hit by a vehicle, lost my balance on the coastal path high up on Portland, or had something out of the blue drop out of the sky and deliver blunt force truama to my head. I am one (1) of those people who will check that the doors to the house or the garage or the car are all locked even though I am told beforehand that they are. I am one (1) of those people who will stop and check for anything nearby when I hear something that could be potentially harmful or alarming, even though its actually part of a song (particularly songs that sound like the tones and sounds that my mobile phone makes when a text message pops up or sirens and so on). I am one (1) of those people who will IMMEADIATELY think and feel that I have done something wrong when I interpret a signal incorrectly like when a friend grumbles or doesn't respond to a call or text message I made/sent. I am one (1) of those people who evaluates the use of words, tone, body language and my overall presence when I have talked to someone, and become overly self-critical and even more self-loathing for something I consider was 'bad' (even if that's not the case in reality). I am one (1) of those people who is unjustly cynical and apprehensive about something 'new' like the so-called contactless way to pay for groceries imbedded into my debit card.
To say I am insecure is like saying Elvis Presley is famous. But while I may sound like a lunatic (and trust me, I know some of the stuff I come up with is mind-bogging and absurd (and even funny as some of my friends have mentioned)), the degree of my paranoia isn't so overwhelming that it makes me a real threat to society and a resident of a 'nut house' (though I digress because I call myself the World's Nemesis). I am able to function in the so-called 'normal' world amongst others in any given situation. While I definitely have issues, I am not entirely unable to trust or incapable of making decisions and ideas for myself and others (like friends and family). While I admit the thought of hugging someone or being hugged by someone like my younger brother or a friend puts me into a mental tornado and feeling uncomfortable (due to unfavourable experiences in my life); I would be lying if I said I don't feel sincere emotions like compassion and gratitude towards those I care about.
Alas it doesn't help when for the most part I am defensive about many of life's happenstances and the majority of people I encounter. Specifically; being paranoid has led to numerous problems in the past and present and near future regarding my attitude, behaviour, and the things and people I interact with. I will admit my paranoia has affected the relationships I have with the people I know and not in the most positive of ways; but while there are times where I have learned and become better around others, particularly with my friends (and A LOT is due to the kindness and tolerances of my friends of which I am indeed eternally grateful for), there are instances that will unfortunately cast a seemingly dark cloud for a long time to come, if not for the rest of time.
As grim as it comes across; I have a strained and distanced relationship with several members of the family and people close to the family. Due to negative experiences prior; I have little to no faith or respect for the qualities within the people implied in the prior sentence above, which means I am paranoid about my place in the family, my identity and my wellbeing, as well as the well being of the family of whom are also affected. I've mentioned before in posts that my younger brother attempted suicide at a young age, and has gone through various degrees of depression later on in life which means I am tirelessly wary that whenever he breaks up with a boyfriend (and there have been many), he'll fall into that well of despair and contemplate suicide as a means to escape the hardship. My oldest brother's girlfriend/fiancée of whom I refer to as the "Hindenburg" has lost countless jobs, begged for money, taken money from senior relatives both from her own family and my Dad's mother, and has even stabbed my oldest brother with scissors years ago! Do you think I can honestly feel safe around this person?! And then there's my sister who has a short fuse and had loans and numerous issues with repaying loans since 1997 even to this day! To add even more salt into the wounds and propel my paranoia further into the uncharted depths of space; there was a very recent case of inappropiate action that was considered as sexual harassment involving my Dad and a customer which although resolved and no charges were made; led to my Dad having to spend hours in a cell while leaving the family overwhelmingly worried and (for me and my Mum in particular) paranoid and open to the daunting possibility that there may be reasonable doubt and considerable weight to the prospect that Dad was cheating (even though it was ruled as a mistake and inappropiate behavior by police and there was nothing to prove there may actually be more to the matter). The thing that really puts the frosting on the cake made of sewage and human soup is the fact that these people (for the most part) are family and therefore there is the implied perception that I am meant to forgive, forget, love and honour family. And yet because they are family, it makes me feel even more uneasy, unsafe and all the more paranoid when something goes rotten.
But what about the people that aren't close like the students in school that have negatively affected me, and those who I have absolutely no idea about until something suddenly conflicting and distressing happens? Am I able to trust and not feel paranoid about when I associate myself with organisations and companies I ought to feel secure and confident with? The answer is a resounding 'no' because even if I have tried, used and have satisfactory experiences with a company like the bank of whom I use or the opticians; Specsavers of whom helped improve my vision with corrective glasses...I am cynical, I have apprehension and therefore I am paranoid when my personal details that are supposedly secured with those respected companies are being used by different and similar companies like Barclays and Vision Express to get me to invest in them. Vodafone is no different, Sky; of whom provide Sky TV and broadband are no different, Amazon, eBay and so on all give me the feeling of apprehensiveness and the inablity to fully commit or trust because somehow they are failing to ensure my integrity and human rights are being maintained by the means of the laws.
Did you know that in the earier months of my tenure at the Asda cafe, A collegue of whom I thought I could trust actually called me and asked for my consent to add my name and details as a reference so that person could get a loan? Cautiously and reminded of the horse s*** that nearly landed me into having to pay for one (1) of my sisters's loans, and the incident where my younger brother had difficulty with the mobile provider Orange because his name and details were used in a contract for someone else; I said 'no' because I immeadiately thought and expected the worse like having to bail this collegue out, and having even more 'junk' piling up on my email accounts and harassment from lenders chasing me for a loan. I mention this in particular because it made me insecure and wary of the people I associate with in case they try to use me, and given the ordeal that happened on the 28/05/2015, I can honestly say my concerns were meritied.
On the 28/05/2015; a paranoid assumption of mine became a reality and on the cusp of costing me £££s and far, far greater insecurity. Until I was informed by an email by my bank earlier in the morning whilst I was in the Weymouth Library, I wouldn't have known that I was a target and potentially a victim of identity theft. In a nutshell my name, records, card and account details had been duplicated by someone else of whom I am not told or know of, and was being used illegally to withdraw payments and apply for loans under my name. The reason this was prevented was because my bank flagged up this apparent action as 'inconsistent' and a 'cause of concern', and prompted me by email (and later on a meeting) to provide proof that I am who I said I am to identify the crime that had been made and put a stop to proceedings. I can't say very much because this is very much a police matter and I am told extremely little to ensure as little risk to me as possible. All I am asked is to routinely check with my bank as soon as the account details have been changed to prevent such an incident happening again, and the rest is none of my concern so I am told.
As shocking as this sounds and how discomforting and out of the blue overwhelming this was to be confronted with this development; I chose to put the matter on the back seat when there was the possibility that I could be hanging out with my friends because I didn't want this personal matter to affect them and force them into an uncomfortable situation themselves such as spend a possible hour plus outside the bank I use as the matter is explained to me and attended to. Plus by the time I returned to the town (around 16:34) and went to the bank, the police had hours before made the arrest as prompted by me providing the proof via the bank emailing me, which meant all there was left was to go through what happened and arrange to have my bank account details altered for security reasons. I apologise for not being untruthful about what happened to my friends of whom I was in contact with on the 28/05/2015, but by being vague and appearing to be deep in thought, I was merely trying to get over my shock and put those who matter the most first (1st).
Questions will run through my mind no matter what the outcome is like how did this person or people responsible get my information? How many others were targeted? was this fraudster or fraudsters known to me? Given what had happened and the experiences I've had; I can't help but be suspicious that it could well have been someone I knew, which means I am open to be more paranoid, especially when there are people I know who have resorted to numerous lows in order to get money (though I can't exactly go around accusing anyone in my family because its only an assumption, and I'd rather keep it as far away from the family knowing about as possible).
But even with this matter being attended to and disaster prevented; I am now exceedingly insecure and paranoid, especially with regards to my identity and the accounts and the personal information I share with these organisations and companies. Identity theft isn't unheard of to me and there is the unfortunate chance that someone could manipulate for their gain at the cost of others. What's the hardest for me to accept though is the fact that information that is supposed to be secured can just as easily be used wrongfully, and with postage and emails being sent in the past and still being sent that uses information that I don't give authorisation to use, the possibility of it happening again is something I can't get dispel. Given the situation however and how I've prevented myself from getting angry about the matter throughout the day, my preferred action from here on is to let it go as best I can and keep it to myself because truth be told worse things have happened to me and this 'bad' thing that happened barely bothers me anyway other than making me paranoid.
Perhaps though it was never as strongly apparent, problematic and devaluing then when I was working for the Asda café in Weymouth during my tenure of later summer of 2011 to spring of 2013. In a nutshell the working conditions, the environment and my own mental disposition made me extraordinarily unwell mentally. On the days I was pencilled in on the timetable to work and the plentiful amount of days I wasn't but was asked at short notice to come in anyway (because of a staff shortage or the sheer amount of work needed to manage a given day); I couldn't allow myself to take a break despite the law stating I should, because I knew the customers were always going to come, equipment like teapots, specific menus like vegetarian meals, plates and cutlery would need to be constantly available along with tables and trays, and if I wasn't there trying my best to manage the ordeal, the other staff would collapse under the strain. So because I was disgusted by the laziness of people who thought "oh let's eat here because I'm too f***ing lazy to go home and cook something myself" and "leave the table a mess and the plates on the tables because I just can't be asked" and didn't like the fact that customers were constantly pressurising me; I was paranoid every time I went into work. Given how there was never enough workforce or proper training to deal with the ordeal of running a café/restaurant day after day, tasks like washing up the plates and clearing tables was exceptionally draining and seemingly never ending. I was unable to make good out of the earnings every month due to the randomness of the hours which meant the idea of having a place of my own to live was out of the question. The fact that I applied for different jobs but very rarely get any response made me both exhausted and unable to feel comfortable with myself because if employers weren't interested in taking me on board or even notifying me then it must of meant there was something wrong with me. But the worst thing was what working at the Asda café was doing to me because I would always be caught by my family starring at my phone and readying my uniform because 9/10 times it will ring or have a text message pop up from the Asda café asking me to come in and work.
By the time I had the will to have myself checked out by my GP and eventually a psychiatrist; I was mentally broken and on the brink of really sticking cutlery into the customers who were just pissing me off by being customers and forcing me to work harder and harder and making me madder and madder. And the reality was that I would've if it meant I could break free from the unbearable working conditions (and it wasn't just me because other members of staff were irritated as well and some weren't as capable of restraining their flaring resentment for the job as I). Shortly afterwards I made the decision that I wasn't doing myself any favours continuing to work for so little and making myself as insignificant I can in order to best focus on the given task at hand despite my dislike for it all growing every day. Years later; I am unemployed which sucks and I am so distraught, miserable and paranoid that I want to bomb Compass headquarters for putting not just me but the other members of staff in Hell and not providing enough to compensate with our zero (0) hour contracts and lack of entitlements. On the other hand however; I am much happier and mentally more stable because I am no longer working, and though I aim to find employed work again; I will never want to work in that kind of working environment again. Although I've constantly thought what might've happened had I continued to work there like going to such extremes as harming others or self-harming the feelings of anxiety, resentment and paranoia always come back whenever I enter the Asda superstore in Weymouth.
Given the experiences given above; its fair to assume that a lot can be said about paranoia and being paranoid is 'bad' or at least presented in the context that its a disorder; there are a least a few benefits from being prone to paranoia. Without question the experiences (good and bad) I've had have made me more and more self-aware of my mental setup, and I am wiser now then I was years ago where I tried to ignore my struggles in the pursuit of fulfilling the objective/task at hand. I know now that being ignorant is just as hazardous to me as being bullied and walked over, and that by listening to my paranoia; I am leaving myself less open to shocks and unwanted surprises.
I do not rule the world and therefore I have no direct control over circumstances beyond my power or on people and surroundings around me in given circumstances; which ultimately means I can't take measures to prevent myself from being paranoid or worked up. However in the process of openly expressing how paranoia is a fundamental facet and regular occurrence in my life, I am offering further insight into the person I am as well as the people of whom I associate with the opportunity to understand me better and be better prepared for any given situation which may or may not include awkwardness on my behalf.
Phew, its late! As I bring this post to a close, I am aware that I am nodding off and I really ought to put an end to this post, not just so I can try and get some sleep (though that's unlikely), but also to allow readers to catch they're breath and take in the contents provided in this post. With the 'P' in SJBMCPRS know defined, there's only 'C' left to refer to. What could 'C' be I wonder? Find out on the next post on the SJBMCPRS Report. Please remember that the contents of this post is available for viewing and I share this because I trust the discretion and loyalty of my readers. If there are any questions or suggestions you may have, then feel free to leave comments or messages.
Until next time, see ya!
No comments:
Post a Comment