Disclaimer: The
following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and
is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which
people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post
will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along
with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.
“I think
most people are more susceptible to prejudice than to reason.” – Roger
Ebert
Picture if you will, your life in a space or state of mind which
houses everything that makes you, you. This is your inner sanctuary, where you
can be yourself and the world is not perceived by mere science and facts, but
also tinted and shaped by your own thoughts, values and experiences. Here; you
are your own boss, free to make decisions that only you can judge. You may call
it a bubble or a fortress of solitude, or something entirely unique to you.
Either way; it’s your own cushion to soften the bumps you’ll encounter and a
means to shield oneself enough for you to perceive the countless happenstances
in life and then interpret what is happening in a way you can understand and
use. Now such places and means do exist and people can and do go to lengths to
secure themselves. It could be a personalised room filled with belongings and
items that you enjoy. It could be a shed, or a particular place that is special
to you. It doesn’t even need to be a place exactly, as something like a soft toy
you embrace can immerse you into a sense of solitude. It could be that you feel
your best and safest when you are with someone. ...Or its already there and all
you need is that space that you create to allow yourself to be the best version
of you. In an existence where everything and essentially everyone moves forward
in life with little relent and little room for personal obligations, the
moments you have to yourself, even if only through thought can be a relief.
The thing is, everyone has their own means of salvation and
fortitude, all the while co-existing on a planet where having enough space can
feel like an unaffordable luxury at times. Therefore, any kind of interruption
persistent or sufficient enough will cause tension to arise. If you imagine a
collection of balloons being set free as people in their moment of fortitude
drifting away peacefully, only to then be bumped aside by one (1) or more
balloons, then you can imagine how a person will react when their space and
comfort zone is violated. All of a sudden one (1) can imagine the chaos and the
clashing of egos in an overfilled prison.
We are creatures of habit with the ability to make ourselves
adapt to situations by taking what feels necessary to fulfil criteria for
sustainable living. We are also instinctually aware of the need for
self-preservation, meaning that we react in accordance to what protects us from
a threat or a situation where our interests may be compromised. A form of
violation therefore will not sit well, especially when one’s own safety is
compromised. The amount of space from one (1) person to another is alas not
made out of imperishable material; it is a gap consisting of oxygen and carbon
dioxide and perhaps threads of plantation or litter, which won’t prevent a form
of interruption occurring. What’s more our bodies are not made of imperishable
material either, in fact; we are all susceptible in many, many ways.
Imagine for instance; that you are in a place you call home
and it is quintessentially your personal sanctuary, do you think that having a
home will fully protect you from another person out for no good? In some ways,
it can, but it doesn’t prevent the person out for no good from getting to you
in another way. Just because the person out for no good can’t pass through the
walls and doors in order to interfere with you person to person, doesn’t stop
him/her from causing interference by shouting or manipulating a system like an
intercom or a phone. An unwanted interruption can ruffle a few feathers as it
were because our habits and routine are jeopardised. Imagine if you are trying
to sleep and then you get interrupted by an unexpected call, or txt message.
That is one (1) way to disturb someone without having to be at close proximity
to the person.
Now one (1) can shrug off the interruption as an unsubstantial
inconvenience, but not everyone can. Not everyone can tolerate the same amount
of grievances, and can feel compromised and vulnerable by something that occurs
that is intentional or not. A phone going off; resulting in nothing more than a
company or person who falsely believes they are offering a service to the
correct person...only for this call to happen once more, and again...and again.
That is just one (1) example, but even that can irritate or intimidate someone
who does not like being called out of the blue by a stranger or by someone
undesirable.
The thing is; intercoms, phone calls and the racket people
make passing by are not the only means to compromise one’s sense of fortitude.
As implied before; we are all susceptible in many, many ways. One (1) day; person
A could be feeling okay as he/she travels to his/her destination via public
transport, there is someone with the flu trying to fight off the defeating
symptoms, but to no prevail, and hours later person A has caught the flu, and
is now compromised by the irritable sneezing and wheezing. That is another way
one’s sense of fortitude can be compromised, and what’s more it’s not like the
passing of flu is intentional in these circumstances.
Additionally, one’s susceptibility isn’t just due from the
cause of another person’s actions. More often than not, our own thoughts,
feelings, actions and choices can affect our state both mentally and
physically. Maybe you decide to listen to a collection of music on your way
back home as opposed to hearing the traffic of vehicles passing by as well as
the notions of other people around you, and you hear a song for instance that
you perceive as significant and thus puts you in a particular state. In that
instance; the notions that are associated with the particular song rush to your
mind, and send numerous signals that stimulate your body and mood accordingly.
For better or for worse, you are affected differently to how you were before
listening to the particular song that is coursing through your state of mind
like the tide engulfing up the sand and pebbles. That said, while a song may
have an effect upon you in that it brings up memories or tempers with the tempo
of your soul, it is not necessarily such an overpowering change that prevents
you from functioning. And just like a song, or the previous examples given
previously, it is a condition that we as people are susceptible, to which we
adapt to current circumstances to contend with on a consistent basis.
At the time of developing this post, we are currently in the
spring season, (more accurately, April). This can either be significant or
insignificant to many people, though to those who suffer from hay-fever (also
known as allergic rhinitis) become more susceptible to the abundance of pollen
in the atmosphere. This is just yet another example of how people can become
susceptible, which is all the more reason I wonder why I don’t see people dragging
bags or travel cases stuffed with precautionary items such as tissues,
hay-fever medication, bottlecap openers, antibacterial wipes, mouthwash, towels
and so on, along at all times just in case because some things to become
susceptible to can affect you negatively. I mean I can assume on a number of
reasons why such an approach is impractical and cumbersome on a day to day
basis...
Perhaps I’m just paranoid and random at the same time to the
extent that I feel that some “solutions” I come up with portrays me as a wholly
insecure person with little to no regard to how questionable I come across to
other people. An example of my questionable processes is me having no concerns
of consuming a receipt to avoid potential complications with other people, i.e.
the bin is overfilled and obscured by a crowd of people. Actions like that may
seem as random as bringing a pack of antibacterial wipes in my bag for
instances that are unlikely to occur or require them, but more often than not I
do these things to put my sense of being at ease, and to feel adequate. If this
sounds mind-boggling and a little off-putting, do consider that I have gone to
the extent of fabricating “wearables” that involved using super glue to tether
a ‘tail’ to the back of my head to replicate the look of Yuna from Final
Fantasy X-2, as a means to make myself happy. ...Then consider the costs and
trouble it took to make a board game/exhibition piece out of an assortment of
props, to simply visually demonstrate a perception of mental health that could
have simply been told in a five (5) minute or so conversation. The bottom line
is, I do things that rectify my notions of imbalance and inadequacy (which
there is a lot of) in order to feel secure about myself, even if my methods aren’t
the best protocols and seem weird or questionable. And in the instances where
my means seem questionable at first but then serve some use, i.e. to remedy a
problem or put a smile on a friend’s face, that’s a positive sensation worth
striving for in my book.
...Or at least I assume it is. In the llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg
time its taken me to develop this post, which incidentally was meant to be
published before the end of February 2017 (oopps!), a fair number of
happenstances have occurred that have beckoned an abundance of mental conflicts
and questions that have no answers. From having my sense of security
disturbed/compromised at five (5) AM on a Sunday by a stranger carrying drugs on
the intercom wanting to get into my home, to having to consider two (2) places
where I could’ve moved onto in a manner that seemed hastened objectively; I
have had to undergo a degree of consistent stress and self-evaluation that has
brought about a mass of uncertainties to which I have no conclusive solutions
for. While I won’t instigate a fuss to make it sound like no-one’s matters/problems
pale in comparison to mine because that simply isn’t true, I will state that
for me this passage of time has caused me to put the usual matters aside for
the sake of putting me first (1st) ...something I do not consider
when the norm is to put the matters of people significant to me as priority. As
a consequence; my sense of creativity was hindered to the point that I had little
to no motivation for my projects, fictional writing and occasional drawings.
What’s more; because I am in the mindset that I will be moving to a new place
to call my home sooner rather than later, it means I couldn’t put much empathises
on something that does indeed make my feel like I’m doing something with my
time: getting birthday and Christmas presents for family and friends (because I
don’t want to contribute to the number of belongings that will have to be
packed and transported from one (1) to another). And another thing, did this
have to transpire while bank holidays and so on were going on, inviting lots of
people to clog up the breathing spaces? Couldn’t tourists go on their holidays
in space instead? Ugh... I feel so alienated and out of place, ...I must have
stumbled on a new level of purgatory!
In the time between the previous post that was published on
the ninth (9th) of February 2017, to when this post is finally
uploaded; the mindsets I have had have varied, bringing to the fray a host of
opposing notions and second (2nd) thoughts. Such questions as ‘will
I find a new home suitable for me to live in, or will I have to persevere in a
place that already requires too many compromises?’, ‘how do I overcome this proverbial
roadblock?’, ‘will I accept the answer I’ll get if I ask my friends for a
little more transparency?’, ‘how do I undo the inadvertent damage done to the
kitchen worktop?’, ‘what if I tribute-summoned two (2) monsters to play the
Blue Eyes White Dragon instead of risking my life points on a whim?’, ‘how can
I wonder if I left the iron on if I do not have an iron?’, ‘should I be annoyed
at myself for something that did not transpire?’, ‘Am I satisfied with the way
things are going?’, ...and several more questions have preoccupied my mind of
late, and unfortunately not only do I not have any conclusive answers, but due
to pessimism, I dread the possible outcomes that may happen.
One (1) question that I have asked myself; to which I have
been able to answer regarded a matter that I now feel overly conscious of, and
not in a good way. I have learned that I am in fact rather selfish and unable
to look past certain aspects when it comes to finding a new home. For instance
I am aware of the amount of belongings that I will have to find room for and
organise in a new space, and mindful that I will inevitably acquire more possessions
that will consume more space, meaning that I can’t settle with a place smaller
than what I have at the moment. This is an occurrence that I realised too late
as I was offered a place in the form of a studio flat which I thought
beforehand would be more than I deserve, but having lived independently for
almost two (2) years, I’ve come to the realisation that anything on the small
side like a studio flat will not do. Now one (1) might think this is a valuable
lesson that will help make me wiser, and that is undeniably true, but this
realisation has a damming and demoralising affect of making me realise just how
bloated I am, ...more bloated than I already am that is.
Something else that I realised was a definite no-no is the
sight of a pay as you go electric meter. Call me fickle but I despise these
systems in the same way I would despise the monstrosity born from using Polymerization
to fuse Dobby the House Elf and Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter universe.
I’m rather paranoid about how much electricity I use because I know I can
assume a lot, what with my use of the TV, consoles, PCs, charging phones and
how much the use of heating appliances will cost if the automated system kicked
in and I couldn’t stop it. With this mind; a pay as you go meter would make me apoplectic
because I would not want to find myself in a situation where I would have to
top-up on a day to day basis and at uneven amounts as well because one (1) day
I could be by myself keeping the charge to a respectfully concise level, and
then the following day, I have my family over, consuming electricity like there’s
no tomorrow. And don’t think that’s ridiculous because I have a history of the
family’s consumption outweighing the amount of top-up we could afford during the
Christmas season. Yikes! I do not need a reminder of those frustrating and
costly times. To me, the sight of a pay as you go meter is like a giant middle
finger careening towards me while spraying vomit made out of ravioli and dark
chocolate. While it would be possible to convert a pay as you go meter to a
more conventional system, it would require a time-consuming process and the
housing company to respond, which is something I’ve learnt is a lumbering and exhausting
ordeal. Call me ignorant, but when the time comes to moving to a new place to
call home, I would rather seek for an easier and straightforward transferring process
than undertake a problematic and stressful ordeal.
The examples regarding my conditions for housing are alas
among the very few matters that I have learned from. While the time will
eventually come when I find a new place to call home and the anxieties involved
with this process will be extinguished; there are other matters that I must
address in order to regain a sense of sustainable fortitude in my life. ...Matters
that make me worry not just because of the mass of uncertainty that disquiets
me, but also have potential ramifications that affects my perception on how life
is currently as well as in the future.
For all my flaws (and trust me there’s a TON) and opinions, I
do strive to do some good, even if my means of doing good or right by someone
is subjective. It’s no secret I try to put those who are significant to me over
before I consider thinking about myself; though I often wonder if my efforts are
fraught and end up doing the exact opposite and mark people I initially perceive
as allies as the boldest of red blemishes in a sea of yellows, oranges, reds,
blacks and so very, very few blues and greens. Its not like it doesn’t happen;
on a rough estimate, I’d say about ninety (90%) percent of people I meet and
try to be cohesive with eventually become the living embodiment of a wound that
never heals (bear in mind there isn’t a long list of people I have
recollections of). As implied numerous times, before in previous posts; I don’t
fancy my chances of breaking this streak, and nor will I be surprised if I fail
again.
To prevent this and ensure I am a being who can do some good
and be reliable, I go out of my way to earn that trust/good reception, even if it’s
the slightest of positive regards discarded as inconsequently as a cigarette
butt in a surface water drain along the road. This is nothing new, and while
some efforts backfire, it has worked on numerous occasions (by no means is it a
scheme to gain someone’s trust only to then use that person for gain and
discard after their use is fulfilled; its simply how I go about meeting people
and establishing a connections). As of 2017; I think I have established a good
and collaborative friendship with a handful of people. Provided I don’t mess
things up; I can be content with the current existing state of affairs, and the
friends and family I have can continue to tolerate me.
...But is this enough I ask myself. I certainly do not intend
to imply any kind of motive when I speak of this matter, and nor do I imply
that I am only on good terms with friends and family because I serve as a valuable
tool for their gain. The thing is, as time goes on I nervously wonder if these
bonds are genuine enough for me to believe to be legitimate, that I truly am a
friend as well as a good person in their eyes. I am an individual plighted with
insecurities, I am susceptible to doubts, and consider myself with little
self-worth or value to anyone (at least in terms of a way that I can
comprehend), thus supressing my uneasiness is a challenge. It could simply be a
matter of its just me not truly grasping reality while at the same time
believing my own prejudices, even though I have experience that validates these
notions. For those who know me; this no doubt is sounding more and more like a
broken vinyl record constantly on repeat, and I apologise. Unfortunately, this
is just how I am, though here in lies the thorny matter that when I think about
it creates more dread.
What if I overcome this proverbial roadblock of mine and not
only accept that things are great because the bonds between myself and my
friends are rock solid, but actually believe that I have broken through the
glass ceiling of doubt and uncertainty, and everything is awesome. What if we
all bonded in such a way that we lay out a hand that when in unison creates a
depiction of a smiley face similar to the Symbol of Friendship found in
Yu-Gi-Oh! Admittedly, this sounds so unbelievably nutty (but not in a ‘bad’
way), but for the sake of being hypothetical, what if there is simply no way I
could possibly ruin things and life builds and builds to higher prospects? What
happens if somehow in the future the almost two (2) year-old leaning against
the door says his/her first (1st) words and they are “Mummy, Daddy”,
referring to me and the most beautiful person, the golden gem that is my
partner in life?
......................................................................................................................................Wow,
just wow.
Now hear me out, this is purely an assortment of hypothetical
what if scenarios depicting something more like a fairy-tale rather than a
possible reality. The thing is ...I wouldn’t mention it if I didn’t think that
this was a possibility. In spite of the fact that the Beauty and the Beast is a
work of fiction; I do genuinely believe that two (2) opposites can attract
(i.e. a person with unequalled beauty in every regard can love someone who is
regarded as a beast, and vice-versa). I’m not going to imply that I am holding
anyone in such regard that its palpable, simply because it doesn’t exist yet.
It does however concern me because the implications of what could someday be a
reality is frightening to me. Call me naïve, but during this passage of time
where I had to consider myself and look at the near future, the thought
occurred to me that such possibilities weren’t as unfathomable as a world
completely without doubt and trees made of donuts sprinkled with uranium. Yes,
at this moment of time, such a reality would seem like an illusion dreamt up by
a mind filled with disillusion. However, if I am of the mindset that I would
require the next place for me to call home to be equal to the size of my
current home or bigger so that I could accommodate for future developments,
then the same can be said for this scenario involving more than just one (1)
person. ...(sigh) perhaps I should work more on the “Three D's: Destination,
Determination and Deliberation” principal and prepare myself for a fortified
and stable future that I would be ready for, rather than debate pointlessly
about how susceptibly meek I feel hypothesising scenarios that may or may not
occur.
With that said; I can’t escape from the grasp of uncertainty,
not when I am prone to so many influences that take me away from my focus of
carrying on with life as if everything mentioned in this post is
inconsequential. If I had the answers to the abundance of unanswered questions
I have then perhaps I could begin to worry less and show less vulnerability to
all the things that is chipping away at my sense of fortitude. But I know that
isn’t real. Even if all the answers presented themselves to me tomorrow; giving
me a brief moment of solace, I know that I and the ongoing happenstances
transpiring will conjure something up to render something susceptible once
more. I won’t blame anyone or any actual
real-life situations, and nor the 2017 live-action adoption of Beauty and the
Beast for implanting poignant songs like ‘How Does A Moment Forever’, ‘Days In
The Sun’ and ‘Evermore’ because other songs like ‘My Blue Heart’ from Piano
Fantasia Pretty Soldier SAILOR MOON Supers and ‘1000 Words’ and ‘Yuna’s Ballad’
from Final Fantasy X-2 have left me in mellowed-out susceptible states as well;
though they don’t help as nowadays I’m not so certain now of what I should dread
more... A future filled with the familiar fraught of an empty pain going on and
on, or the path of uncertainty wed with speckles of bliss?
...(sigh) Indeed, my sense of fortitude is crumbling like a
sand castle buckling under the pressure of someone’s foot. With many notions
embedded like those mentioned above plus even more, I should probably come to
the conclusion that I will always be prone to susceptibility because the way I
am makes me susceptible to a growing list of things that may happen once, may
happen occasionally, or may not happen yet the illusion of possibility makes
such notions profound. All I can do is fool myself thinking I am on the right
path in my life, and continue onwards for evermore. On that note, I will bring
an end to this llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg post with a pace and
direction that is seemingly everything and everything but coherent. Until next
time, see ya!
