Strangersparky wandering towards nothingness - SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

The definition of "nothingness" is: "the condition or quality of being nothing; nonexistence", according to thefreedictionary.com. It can also mean emptiness as well as something that is inconsequential or insignificant. The definition of "wandering" is to travel someplace without a purpose.


What do these definitions for the words "nothingness" and "wandering" have to do with anything? The answer alas is significant and can be damming under certain conditions. Speaking in a grim tone; "nothingness" is (in my perspective) the subsequent reality after death. There is no heaven, hell, afterlife, colour, texture, sense or any notion of existence and reality because there is nothing there. For those who believe otherwise like in reincarnation or the existence for heaven or hell; so be it, if that's what people want to believe then who am I stop or judge their attitudes or beliefs. Should however my perspective indeed be (for whatever reason) accurate or how some people view existence after death. the perspective might be a harrowing one to imagine. It doesn't help that life can be unfair and differ from person and species to another i.e. where one's life can be ended prematurely like Paul Walker's, or a child as young as three (3) perishes in a tragic accident, or by inhumane mistreatment while others reach the grand age of a hundred (100). Even worse is the notion that life can be ended in countless ways whether we have any control over our fate or not. Like it or not; death is inevitable and it could well lead into nothingness.


What can make this reality that everyone dies even worse is if the life had before death was insignificant, or had no purpose, hence the term "wandering". It is entirely possible that a person can wander throughout his/hers life to the very end where death occurs and nothingness follows subsequently. Whether we judge ourselves or other people consider what in life as significant or insignificant (which is truly speculative), we are all subject to the significance of life as well as our own fates, whatever they could be.


Now lets introduce a facet of that may or may not be relevant to some people's lives; it is called "Strangersparky" and it serves as the first (1st) letter (and first (1st) 'S' in SJBMCPRS. Image if you wish that Strangersparky was a human being that looks pretty much like every other human being, except certain conditions and experiences make he/she perceive many things differently then others. Growing up; Strangersparky felt like he/she did not fit in with everybody else, and this notion of being different, strange and even not from the same Earth as everyone else, continues as Strangersparky became older, but the reason for this is unknown. Distrust, confusion, inability, lack of understanding, personal resentment, bullying, betrayal, fear, apprehension, and so on become needles penetrating your skin creating discomfort and lasting agony mentally (and physically). Given the experiences while developing and how he/she perceives the world and other people, Strangersparky feels disconnected and isolated from the rest and unable to proceed through life quite as easily as others. Strangersparky believes that because he/she doesn't fit in well and is perceived differently by himself/herself, friends, family and other people; that he/she is not privy to or regarded to what is considered the "norm". Self-loathing as well as the belief that everything that goes wrong in his/hers life is his/hers fault sadly becomes second nature and debilitating even if the "truth" is something otherwise. Isolation and self-loathing continue to swell up deep inside, despite appearances in front of friends, family and other people suggest otherwise. Behaviour towards those who Strangersparky interacts with appears out of the so-called "ordinary" even though he/she is doing the best they can given his/hers experiences prior. When disaster strikes, the sting is profound like a poison coursing throw the body indefinitely, causing great anxiety, depression, guilt, and conflictions that lasts and lasts. All these experiences in life force Strangersparky to be reclusive, suited better to feeling alone then around others, and strange to those he/she interacts with while in the meantime appearing as a stranger to everyone and seemingly everything else. Though Strangersparky tries and means well; his/hers efforts still feel unfulfilling, afraid and inadequate in dispelling the darkness he/she paints himself/herself with as a portrayal of who he/she is.  


This defines Strangersparky and serves as the first (1st) letter (and first (1st) 'S' in SJBMCPRS; an apprehensive, guilt ridden, self-despising, bewildered being who tries to play along with friends, family and others in the game called "life", but ultimately feels fearful, disillusioned, unworthy and feels out of place. Strangersparky is a facet of me (yeah, I'm stopping my usage of 'mii' because this is serious s*** here and therefore would feel out of place with the tone of this post), which means I feel this way because the paragraph above summarises to some extent the experiences that shaped me into the person I am. This is even more profound when I am interacting with friends and family because I feel: "why am I even in this situation?", and "seriously what 'good' do they see in me?". I am going to be strange, apprehensive and unknowing what I should be doing in a given situation for the rest of my life, because of my experiences, because of my ...(sigh) aspergers and my general negativity. When did I begin to realise my differing attitude and approaches compared to what was considered "normal"? As soon as the age of three (3) when I felt for the first (1st) time guilt and resentment when I witnessed my mother biting the left arm of my younger brother as a means of punishment for something he did (and before you start complaining readers, this was before everyone knew that it was wrong and harmful to strike children as punishments!). School pretty much filled in the rest of the gaps making me prefer to wander on the almost empty pavements and paths in the dark by myself listening to piano music as opposed to being in a town centre with hundreds of people obscuring my path.


Just FYI, Strangersparky is also the profile name for my Xbox Live account, and its fitting too because while gaming I can play with my younger brother or with other people online, but I prefer to play alone because its in my nature to behave as a recluse and safer for me mentally because I'm not bypassing myself by doing something unfamiliar and frankly intimidating.


So what's Strangersparky got to do with "nothingness" and "wandering"? Well to put it in unusual terms; I am like a remote control car that is sluggish and barley functions on a Scalextric track, I am driving myself aimlessly towards the finish line i.e. my death with seemingly no purpose or meaning. For the most part I am in auto-pilot mode heading towards the final destination "nothingness" because being reclusive, mentally troubled person makes me seemingly incapable of establishing something significant like be a true friend, establishing a relationship beyond friends, finding my own place, being confident around others, doing activities I wanted to do but was too intimidated to do so and so on. Perhaps alarmingly, I'd prefer to be wandering towards nothingness because the fear of hurting someone I care about mentally is so strong. By not flying closer to the sun, taking chances and stepping out of my comfort zone; I can seemingly prevent any harm being done while condemning myself whilst I am alone because its second nature to me and something I feel I deserve for the 'bad' I've done even if reality would say otherwise.           


But wait a minute! That's a terrible mind-set to have, and if I really felt so strongly about preventing potentially any further harm to those I care about, then surely there are means of ending life permanently before such a reoccurrence occur again. And even if I were to perish whichever way it nay be, there's still going to be difficulty regarding those people I leave behind because my actions will still affect those people after my passing. Furthermore I have to bear in mind I am not the only person who feels this way and that their circumstances may be greater then mine.


So what do I do? Well for starter I'll dismiss any notions of suicide; its just so selfish and wrong, plus people like family depend on me, and there are friends that (for whatever reason) appreciate me (seriously I can never understand that nutcracker of a reality, but it is what it is). Because I'm honest I will say that I have NEVER attempted suicide, the thoughts occur yeah, but I don't act upon the notion because I understand the greater consequences of abandoning friends and family due to a selfish act (I kid you not I had to convince my younger brother when we were at primary school age that everyone would be so distraught and disappointed if he'd continue to smother himself with two (2) pillows!).


Frankly I can't stop being who I am which means there's always going to be a degree of awkwardness, discomfort, sombreness and so on whenever I engage with friends, family and other people. Subsequently I'm not going to stop myself from wishing the places I go by myself or with my friends were deserted and quiet because crowds of people really irritate me (especially in tight locations) and it would be awesome to have a location like a town centre all to ourselves (but then that's alas a fantasy, boo :(!!). 


All I really can do is try, and take each step to self-improvement and fulfilment carefully one step at a time. Its going to take a very long time before I can even begin to consider I have become the person I've always wanted to be, but hopefully there will be pleasant bonuses for trying and sticking at this path I want to follow towards significance and all-around better mental health rather then spending more on more time wandering on the path towards nothingness. I just hope that by being honest about how I feel and behave won't scare my friends and family away.


Okay...this concludes this post and the definition of the first (1st) letter (and first (1st) 'S' in SJBMCPRS. Apologies if this post was in particular pretty grim to read through, but with my approach I am sincere about myself so that readers can get a better understanding of what makes me, me, as well as take into consideration that having a mental indifference whether it be aspergers, bi-polar etc. doesn't exclude your right to express yourself.


As usual, no idea what the next post will be based upon, but as usual there will be honesty and passion put into the next and every post following this. Remember: do not take me or my writing too seriously and until next time see ya!      

Melancholy thy name is... - SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

On the 9th of April 2015, I was asked a question that I've never had to ask myself; it went along the lines of: "Why do you look sad?". As perfectly reasonable it is for someone I know and call a dear friend to ask me a question along those lines when it was apparent how sombre I appeared; the answer to such a personal question is difficult to explain, unless the person asking knows and experiences the kind of happenstances that create a joyless and problematic feeling. And even if the said person who asked the question does understand the despairing feeling, one side of the difficulty of answering the question is knowing or assuming how my answer would in turn affect that person who would prefer not to let his/hers own circumstance(s) linger, but will undoubtedly relate and recall the bad he/she wants to ignore.


I'm not trying to name names, nor do I want to be specific to who asked me this question, because the reality is, is that in one form or another I have been asked the same question countless times by other people; whether they be friends, family, professionals who work in mental health establishments and so on. I myself even ask myself why am I so doleful.


Another factor in why this is a difficult question to answer is due to oftentimes my melancholy is such a part of me that its natural for mii to be seemingly depressed.

Its difficult to establish the difference from being miserable about something in particular or simply depressed all the time. This woe stems from negative experiences and my own self-loathing, creating a backlog of depressive guilt, self-resentment and misery that is alas very easy for me to access and inhibit.

I call myself the "World's Nemesis" because there are things I have done that I despise to this very day and will continue to despise myself over until time comes to either softly or brutally lay me down. While I am certainly not the worst person ever known, and therefore cannot compare to the likes of the serial killers known as "Jack the Ripper", and Paul Durousseau, or those who abuse other people; the inexcusable actions I took weigh profoundly upon mii. While its possible that from a different perspective my actions may be understandable because I didn't know as much back then as I do now and I was unaware of my high-functioning Aspergers; I do not intend to, nor accept any reason because there simply was and never will be an excuse because no matter what was going through my mind or feeling at the time I made those appalling decisions, there was always another way around the apparent problem that I could've taken. While I can go into detail of the actions and circumstances that have negatively affected mii, I opt not to, not because I am a coward, but as a means of protecting the people (and family) involved in those circumstances. Even so, it has to be said that the regret, guilt, misery, suffering (and so on) over the actions and the many circumstances that happened have dug deeply into my mentality, my soul and will affect mii and the people involved from here on out.     

When I am (and so to anyone else assumingly is) engulfed in the despairing bleakness; everything seemingly slows down and the two (2) things that speak the loudest is the particular cause of the distress and pain echoing and rippling in the opaque subconscious, and the lingering emotional (and possibly physical) distraught and hampering that diminishes self-confidence, wellbeing and sense of control. For those who suffer from this kind of pain; there are overbearing hampering effects that can sadly be triggered as easily as blinking. Effectively anything can trigger the melancholy whether it be something seen on television, a song, tone, a relatable experience, or even silence and nothingness. I am no exception and perhaps like everyone one else experiencing similar melancholy or emotional (even physically) despair and difficulty, there are times I would like to erase those moments of dread from my mind, heart and soul and not have things in life rekindle those gloominess and trouble. This is especially desired when your trying to build yourself up following the difficulty experienced has have you shattered like a love-filled heart freezing up, falling and shattering into pieces on the floor.   

And yet there are times where I would rather embrace the agony felt again and again from those depressing moments old and new as a means of feeling penance for my actions. As miserable and sombre the melancholy I experience can be; I feel its necessary because the "World's Nemesis" ought to troubled and feel the disdain that I may have inflicted on those people involved in the circumstances that plaque mii. I am not the self-harming type like the character Amanda Young in Saw III (3) who cuts herself, nor am I suicidal; its just at times I accept the lingering repercussions from the actions and circumstances I was, am and will be involved in.

That said I do not wish for others to follow mii in this regard because life's damming moments can be more consuming then the experiences I'll encounter and therefore allowing the damming moments to consume deep inside is a disastrous course of action.  

So what makes melancholy significant in my life in such a way that it actually represents the 'M' in SJBMCPRS? The answer is that my perception of melancholy is constant and unlike the norm experienced by "normal" people. Supposedly when depression occurs in the life of what is considered "normal and "typical"; the extent or life expectancy of depression extends to the point before help is needed and the depression is "treated" by whatever means. My melancholy on the other hand is as second nature as the other facets or modes in SJBMCPRS. In other words I am used to being sombre and despising myself to the point its natural and for the most part insignificant, until its questioned upon.

Contrary to what family or my mental health position (doctor) says and suggests; I feel that my depression/melancholy isn’t so horrible that without help there would be no way back. I think of it similarly to the immunity to smallpox of 1796 which was due to having a cowpox infection beforehand and allowing the body’s immune system to develop antibodies that would be able to sustain and conquer the virus and eventually smallpox as well since both smallpox and cowpox are of the same virus family. By using the example given above to define my melancholy, I am not immune to depression, but having felt so low for such a long time and still be able to live my life; I feel that no amount of melancholy will be too great for mii to live with.  


But while the melancholy as I perceive it won't send mii over the top beyond the point of no return, it is still significant in my life, hence the 'M' in SJBMCPRS and the sadness I express from time to time. As uncomforting it must be to have mii as a friend or a family member to have around displaying this grim behaviour from time to time; to say I am the only who feels melancholy or a degree of sadness is like saying a bridge made out of billions of cocktail sticks will be as efficient and long lasting as Tower Bridge in London. A degree of melancholy; mild or significant is a factor in life. Regardless of the attitude taken or "treatment" given to deal with melancholy or sadness, I hope that the people I care about (friends and family) find a means of recovery and sustainability to overcome any melancholy experienced so that it won't derail the progress they make in their lives.


Well, that's it for this post on the "SJBMCPRS Report" as well as the explanation for the 'M' in SJBMCPRS. Who knows what the next post will be about. All that is for certain is that I will continue to be honest about the so-called 'content' I provide and share more things from my perspective. Until next time, see ya!   

If you look at the world through my eyes... SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

Supposing if you are unfortunate enough to look at the world through my eyes, the majority of it and its inhabitants is completely irrelevant. Poverty, war, famine, climate change, presidents, countries, religion, politics, people...... mean nothing to mii. I'm not saying I'm heartless, its just in my perception there is only significance in the things and people I know and care about, everything else is beyond my control and practically its meaningless and wasteful trying to do anything that's beyond helping or saving. To put it simply; the world according to mii is small, and preferably simple even though I am anything but simple.


Anything and everything that is insignificant or outside the "bubble" as it were matters not to mii. If I were in a position I.e. the American President where my actions could effect the world then obliviously mores things will become significant. But even if that fantasy were a possibility, I would still be one person, one being in the wake of an overwhelming matter that cannot be solved as long as life as we know it continues to exist. For those who are going to vote in the UK 2015 General Election; do you really believe a new Government or any Government or leader for that matter will conquer the problems such as NHS spending/funding, obesity, employment and so on?


No really, ask yourself would it make the difference we as UK residents wish for?! Will all zero (0) hour contracts disappear and be replaced by a "fairer(?)" compromise through the will of a Government, even though it was people in Government beforehand that put the "terrible" practise in effect in the first place?! Will takeaway restaurants and convenience stores near schools disappear as a means to stop the growth of obesity?! Will HS2 be finally made or not?! Will the Police and services that are supposed to prevent the next "Baby P" child abuse/death, be able to be as effective in the community as budgets are undermined?!All I'm saying is that I wouldn't hold my breath, because for all the talk and so-called politics, all that is going to happen and will indefinitely be the case is problems that no one can dispose of entirely. Ask yourself; has racism, sexism, piracy, child abuse, mistreatment and so on, been eradicated following the actions and examples of heroes like Martin Luther King Jr.? The answer is 'no', in 2015 these problems still exist despite the advances that have been made in an attempt to conquer the said problems. The fact is the countless issues/problems the world faces aren't going away and we as people can only make contributions whether it be for the better or worst (although if you refer to the opinion of the NRA on gun violence caused by video games, then that's definitely a contribution for the worst for it misleads and complicates a problem with gun violence that existed before these idiots were even born!).
     
I can't help but wonder if "The Lord Almighty" would be able to conquer the problems in the world. Personally I think he/she/it took a look at the world he/she/it let evolve into the state it is in now and then blew his/hers/its brains out with a .45 Winchester magnum due to the feeling of being powerless to rectify the countless problems and so-called "truths" that really are as fictional as a living breathing bed who talks like Arnold Schwarzenegger which sets rabbits and deer on fire every time its a Wednesday and there's a 5 in the time. I'm not saying this to anger religious people, or because I got irritated by the marching band in Weymouth carrying the crucifix getting in my way on Easter Friday 2015. I have the perception that at lot of the world's problems are beyond helping or saving, hence why such insignificances aren't any of my concern. Ignorance is bliss, or so they say.


By my account the world which is significant to me is only as wide and far as I dare travel; for the most part its merely the size of Weymouth and Portland and that's because that's all I really inhibit on a daily/weekly basis. Virtually I venture further for information and notifications regarding my hobbies and my friends, but still not to the extent where I want to be the centre of everyone's attention (that's the absolute WORST as I cannot stand crowds of people). Is this perception caused by my "mental difference", or would it be any different if I were "normal"? I don't know, all I do know is there's no such thing as "normal" because it is such an indescribable definition which yields no meaning or value in reality. The point I'm trying to get across (and if I'm failing miserably in doing so then I apologise for wasting your time) is that through my eyes the world is what it is and I don't see how my perception would matter (or be offensive) to others because everyone will have their own perception whether its build on religious belief, experiences, mentality, gender, tastes, understandings etc.


If I were to offer my perception of WrestleMania 31 for example and say in overall it scores 6.5 out of 10; decent but spoiled by unwanted music performances, too long promos, questionable decisions in matches and cut out matches, then that's my perception. If you were to look through my eyes and consider my interpretation, one could either agree or disagree with my perception and that's fine because different things matter to other people.
I might disagree with the BBC's decision of firing Jeremy Clarkson but then that's due to my interest in Top Gear which is, or should I say was significant to mii. My perception will differ because what's significant and insignificant to mii will differ from another's.


What happens next for Top Gear, games of which I am a fan of, events in my life, hobbies, with my friends and family and so on is beyond my control but still significant to mii whereas if Israel were to bomb Pakistan, or a man wearing a Pepsi Max costume gets shot dead by SpongeBob Square pants because the fire hydrants in Washington D.C. are painted differently then those in New Jersey, won't matter because its insignificant (though it would be f***ing weird if that were to happen). I can certainly offer my opinion like I did earlier in this post about politics but I won't get invested in things that are utterly beyond saving or meaningless (in other words insignificant to mii), because its not in my control and is insignificant like a lot of the world is in my perception, and would obscure mii from what is significant.


Some can call me ignorant, heartless and perhaps every foul word and name under the sun for going about life through the perception I have (which is not faultless I'll admit), but having been mii for twenty-five (25) years; I have grown accustomed and comfortable with who I am and my perception and understanding. I might be naïve or short-sighted in the face of countless problems, but then by deciding what's significant and insignificant; I can simplify things from my end and put better empathises on what is significant like the relationships I have with the people I associate with (i.e. friends and family).      


Okay, this concludes this post on the SJBMCPRS Report; I will cover more in due time whether it be about my perception of a game or an event that has transpired. Until then, please remember that this blog is not to be taken TOO seriously (otherwise there would actually be a dead man in a Pepsi Max costume killed by SpongeBob, and a so-called "God" lying dead after committing suicide (not good!)). Until next time, see ya!