Ambiguous forebodings – SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

Halloween is supposedly a time associated with all things scary, such as witches, monster movies and dentists (for those who consume too much sugary sweets and corrode their teeth). But whereas people can be terrified by other people who have dressed up as mummies after they have raided the Andrex factory in Flint (Flintshire, Wales) for its toilet paper, I cannot associate my uneasiness of people only during Halloween (although that doesn’t make it any easier as Halloween prompts people to act f***ing stupider and more reckless).

No …I have feelings of uncomfortableness, anxiety and darker and more horrible notions towards people in general all the time (and if you (the reader) have read the contents of previous posts on the SJBMCPRS Report, or have heard me personally express my perceptions (my condolences to those who alas fit that criteria); then this shouldn’t sound all that surprising).

Now sure, there can be genuine scares from such things like the seemingly annual horror movie releases that come around the month of October; but for all the “scariness” and “creativity”, the perception that these so-called works of fiction are the by-products of a person’s (or many peoples’) imagination(s), experiences and abilities implies that people can come up with such things. The reality is that all the monsters such as the Frankenstein Monster, Count Dracula, and the Wolf Man that belong to Universal (known as Universal Monsters) aren’t really monsters when in fact they are all the representations of the creator’s efforts (which makes them the “monsters” in a sense). Think about it; what kind of horrible things that are supposed to be informative, not real and entertaining on the big screen or in any form are beyond people's ability to replicate? The answer is nothing is completely out of the bounds of possibility because people can create and have created all manner of products and events, that can be deemed "awful".

Before getting carried away, I am well aware that the creators, authors and other people involved in the portrayal of horror movies and other forms of potentially foreboding products such as stories and the costumes for the Xenomorph aren’t actually “evil”, (which means its inaccurate to label Stephen King as an “evil b******” for the fiction he produces (but if people want to do so, then they can do so)).

Here’s the big BUT!!! (This is a hypothetical example, but one (1) that isn’t completely un-relatable.) For every 10,000 people who can watch something like a Saw film, or watch a program like Dexter, or play a “scary” and “violent” video game, or perform a ritual for an occult, or read about a ghastly happenstance in a fictional world in a storybook; there is the unfortunate possibility/chance that one (1) person (or more) can be “influenced” by these portrayals and go on to commit heinous actions or be completely consumed by some particular and come across as “possessed”. Again this was a hypothetical example, but I assure you (the reader) that alas there are true to life instances of such happenstances.

I’m not implying that things that can be defined as “horrible”, “addictive” and all the other words people who like to make a fuss use to try to ban something like cigarettes (and smoking in general) should be banned to prevent fatal incidents happening or “offensiveness” (here’s looking at you Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quin and countless others who can’t take the simple hint that if you find something you don’t like or agree with, then leave it be and move on to something that complies because the World is far from perfect and “bad” things happen!). The most defining reason I can deduce for why things aren’t outright banned or stopped is because there isn’t anything that is pure evil and is “poison” to society that isn’t being attended to or has been resolved. The Holocaust is such an unspeakable atrocity that forced people (who weren’t “influenced” or “forced” by Nazi Germany) to take action and although it cost countless people their lives, it was “resolved” along with the conclusion of the Second (2^nd) World War. America and allied countries did not ignore the calamities of 9/11 and took means to apprehend terrorists that were accountable. When there is a manufacturing defect in a line of manufactured cars from Toyota, Toyota are accountable for persecution and liabilities and therefore attempt to recall as many of their products containing the known defect to remove the potential problem and potential danger. And whereas the effectiveness of the Police and other services around the World are being forever questioned when atrocities like killing sprees, child neglect and abuse and preposterous actions such as “swatting” occur; the majority of the time something defined as “justice” and “resolution” is achieved (even though I (and possibly other people) question whether enough has been done to “resolve” incidents and “ensure” similar incidents don’t occur again).

Moving aside from the extreme cases mentioned above; my perception I am trying to get across is that nothing should be accountable for the atrocities that have been caused as well as present and future incidents because it is us (the people) that are the ones that are responsible and it is our influences that affect one (1) another and contribute to incidents when they happen. Yes, humanity is its own greatest threat, but then that’s nothing new. Therefore, it’s up to us (as people) to decide when we have crossed the line and whether we stop ourselves or continue regardless (because people can be absolute monsters). So for those who become engaged with anything that can lead to potential harm and trouble; it’s vital to understand the difference between reality and fantasy and the possible consequences of taking something too far. As for those who wish to dress up and have fun during Halloween; do remember everyone you meet has their limits and apprehensions which may be crossed, and should this occur it is important to stop or come to a compromise before a matter becomes too problematic.

…Because fear can be unique, it can be many, and certain things that may not affect one (1) person can terrify another. I cannot forget the night during Halloween when two (2) people dressed up traumatised by younger brother and caused him to go into an epileptic fit... Nor can I ignore my forebodings and general dislike for people; especially when its dark at night, the atmosphere is colder so you are naturally more tense, and there are people running amuck in outfits being bothersome and so infuriatingly unbearable. I’ll admit there have been several occasions during this time of the year where I felt my limits to my self-control shattering and I wanted to pulverise people who go too far.

So here’s a warning to everyone who reads this post: don’t even try your luck with me because I will have little tolerance for such activity that I deem as unbearable. After all, I do call myself the World’s nemesis for several reasons, and there is the possibility that my appearance and demeanour might be intimidating and scary even when I am not intending to be anything other than in control of myself (and if I come across as uneasy to be with when I am in control, it must be horrifying to imagine what I would be like when I’ve lost control).    

Self-control and preservation is crucial for me in order to function and behave “appropriately” in society as well as maintain the wellbeing for those around me. Limit Breaks are great to perform in Final Fantasy games, but not so good to try on me because it’s those limits that define when I am in control of myself and when I’m not going to hold back. The more I learn and understand myself, the more aware of the triggers that create anxiety, discomfort, fear and disdain within me. No matter how well I understand myself however; there are instances and notions that rattle me that are still ambiguous (hence the title of this post: “Ambiguous forebodings”).       

As with the countless experiences, interpretations, feelings, creations and possibilities people in general are associated with that can either be fictional or nonfiction, “Good”, “bad”, similar, different, definable or indescribable; the definition of ambiguous (ambiguity) can be applied to an infinite number of happenstances in life. Confused, and you haven’t gone to confused.com? As long as people are free to make their own interpretations; one (1) thing may have more than one (1) meaning. The term “swatting” for example is generally defined as hit/strike with a sharp blow, like for instance: “I swat a spider beside the kitchen window”. However; “swatting” is also a term for an appalling trend in which a person anonymously files a false police report, such as a murder or bomb threat, in hopes of provoking the police to raid an individual’s home, business or public place.

So with the term “ambiguous” defined; I can try to define some of the happenstances that trigger a particular sense of foreboding. By now it’s no secret I don’t like people in general and prefer to be by myself. Furthermore, I have a tendency to obey my gut feeling when something or someone makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable and therefore choose to evade and not take risks (this nearly proves to be the best COA (Course of Action) because experiences that involved taking the risks caused trouble and problems later on).

When it comes to small groups of people or an individual; I am always apprehensive to join the party (NOT the type where there is food, music and people wrestling pet dogs, a party can also mean a group of people). It takes a long time to adjust, adapt and to open up due to my nature and experiences; but when this happens this leads to opportunities such as gaining friends, or a friend. I can say that I have friends, but I can also say that having friends has led to numerous instances where problems occur which create a lasting impression that makes it wise for me to keep my distance and evade situations that cause apprehension and may antagonise me. In one (1) such instance; I was asked to put my name down on a loan application which would mean I would be accountable to make the repayments along with the friend, I said “no” and that was that; a lasting impression that there would be more cons then pros with being associated with that person (this has also occurred with family members as well!). With past and present experiences; I am all too aware of the apprehension and foreboding I feel when I associate with these people and have grown paranoid whenever an email or text message pops up regarding finance or anything that I would relate with a past experience.

As a reserved pessimist who calls himself an abomination to life and humanity who doesn’t trust easily; I am guilty of judging people within the first few seconds of meeting someone. I am haunted by the lectures during the school years about how not to follow the judgement you make of a person after the first couple of seconds, however when I have to remember the times I have been bullied and attacked, my instinct is that if someone gives me a bad feeling; I subsequently attempt to evade that individual. It’s entirely possible that the person I don’t know and am evading due to my perception could be a very nice person and cause no harm, but if my perception picks up any distinguishable trait that I don’t feel comfortable with such as the roughness of the person’s complexion and appearance, I will evade and not interact with because those traits could lead to a justified feeling of dread.

Now call me a coward or a hypocrite if you want to, but when I come across or see a person or a bunch of people wearing jackets with their hoods up, or wears some form of hat/cap; I feel an immediate threat and will subsequently do my best to evade to prevent a potential situation. To me anyone who wears something as a means to conceal his/hers face spells trouble. Now I myself have worn jackets with hoods attached and a few times I have worn the hood over my head, however that is due to feeling the cold atmosphere against my face. For that reason, I can understand the need to wear a hood or cover the head in some way to stay warm or protect against the weather. It isn’t easy however for me to distinguish people dressed in this manner because a few years ago I was approached and somewhat boxed-in by three (3) people who hid their faces whilst I was making my way back home on Portland (Dorset). They wanted my valuables like my wallet, cards and mobile phone and it was blatantly clear they weren’t bluffing because one (1) of them revealed a concealed knife. And yet despite this threat and potential fatality that awaited me; I didn’t comply to their demands and just walked on, even though they stayed beside me until I pointed out the stupidity of what they were doing. This was during the early evening and there was a road, a school, playing fields, a church and several resident buildings close by which meant people could see I was being harassed and would see if I was struck and left bleeding on the pavement. Additionally, at this point, I have been bullied enough times and gotten used to being treated like the easy target, so I wasn’t going to be intimidated by their attempts. I got struck in the face and knocked down, which resulted in a couple of bruises and a fractured screen on my mobile phone, but they did not use the knife and scarpered without any of my valuables or belongings. Following this incident; I am untrustworthy of anyone who wears a hood or any hat/cap over their head because all I see is a potential case of Déjà vu.

The paragraphs above define some of the triggers and reasons for my forebodings that I am aware of. As mentioned previously in the post; there are going to be causes for dread that aren’t obvious to me (like possibly having a sense of reluctance when it comes to heights or certain animals), and it’s unlikely I’ll be willing to forgo my experiences and instincts to become something I’m not. There are also other notions of fear I have such as the fear of hurting another person close to me (no matter how much I strive to prevent such a disaster), that has been written/typed up on previous posts on the SJBMCPRS Report that are available to read upon (in case you (the reader) is interested). The reality is, is that I am a pessimist, and I stick to my perceptions and instincts like a pigeon stuffed into a sandwich toaster that has been glued shut, sealed by 25,000 rolls of sellotape, soldered onto the roof of Buckingham Palace, and weighed down by the total weight of every Ford F-Series pickup truck in the whole world!! Opps; I think I accidentally unveiled where Prince Charles can find the Christmas present I got for him!

So this is where I conclude this post. It may come across that I've repeated several perceptions from previous posts (and therefore I apologise for not being original), but the purpose of this post is to explain my perception on what is fearsome. Please remember that while there are serious contents and real life references contained in this post, it is not meant to offend. Do not try anything that has been implied in this post. Stay safe and well and have a great Halloween. Until next time, see ya!      

Aspiring for the insurmountable – SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

What do we aspire for? Love? Fame? A sense of immortality? Belief? Accomplishment? To create? Greed? Companionship? Acknowledgment? A purpose without a definition that only comes to light with hindsight? To change the world? Absolution? Something that isn’t there? A purpose that defies description and understanding?

The number of possible answers to this question is indefinite for many reasons; with there being a seemingly endless number of human beings that live or have lived in the entirety of “existence”, comes countless perceptions and aspirations that are as unique and ‘different’ as people are diverse. Additionally the notion that nothing is impossible and only seems that way due to limits that can be conquered with determination and dedication, means that people in general may not know what they aspire for or have achieved (or not achieved) without reflection and understanding of the self. If other factors are considered such as differing education, lifespan, understanding, environments, pressure, race, gender, abilities and inabilities and so on, the conclusive answer is kind of inconclusive and that is due to the countless possibilities that are contributed by the fact that the imagination of any one (1) person is potentially unfathomably limitless and thus far too difficult to record for another to analyse. Given the hypothetical example in the previous sentence about just one (1) person’s aspirations and purpose(s) is affected by the numerous factors such as environment, gender, wealth, race and so on, and is then fuelled by that person’s imagination and dedication; just imagine that times by the indefinite number of people that are either living as of the 1^st of October, 2015 and the people who have passed away… It is simply a mind boggling thing to behold.

Imagine for example therefore the vast number of accomplishments, aspirations known and not known and effect on the world that might have been if Elvis Presley’s lifespan did not conclude on the 16^th of August, 1977. Could Elvis have made more hit songs, appeared more in films, slimmed down and released his own exercise VHS “500 miles across Blueberry Hill”, become president of the United States, fed Osama Bin Laden into a wood-chipper, arrested for sexual assault in the same vein as Rolf Harris, be sent to Space…and so on? The answer is unknown, perhaps unlikely in most counts given the hypothetical examples given in the sentence above, but not ‘impossible’ if his death didn’t happen at the time it did.

As ‘ridiculous’ as the context of this post thus far may be (and possibly depressing for fans to read); there is a point I am striving to imply and that is any given person or being can aspire to anything and everything with the passion, determination, belief, resources, health and so on to drive that person to his or her goal. People and other forms of being such as parrots (for an example) can aspire to any particular objective/goal or many whatever those aspirations/objectives are. So if someone’s sole aspiration/purpose was to listen to one (1) Disney song played on the piano then so be it. If on the other-hand another person’s objectives are to create the largest working microwave and then get a hole-in-one in a game of Golf using a tennis racket as a golf-club and Tiger Wood’s head as a golf-ball and then drown in a vault of milk chocolate then so be it. The examples in the last sentence are incredibly illegal (and I advise no-one actually strives for these exact goals), but not ‘impossible’. Man has been on the Moon on several occasions, Dolly the Sheep became a reality, and in 2005; someone was able to hit Jeremy Clarkson in the face with a pie, so it’s anything is possible as long as it’s possible to turn a work of fiction like a dream into reality.

Unfortunately the same can be said about the worst kind of happenstances that have occurred such as the Holocaust, 9/11, Josef Fritzl imprisoning her daughter for twenty-four (24) years, the death of Baby P, and the deaths of numerous people due to the “influence of media” (and among many other incidents). I’m not implying that the reasons behind the atrocities implied in the previous sentence was because the people involved deliberately aspired to do what they did, whereas influences and happenstances during those moments building up to the atrocity as it is known to the general public may have played a part such as how a form of media can imply that killing people is ‘easy’, it is the far bigger concern that the people committing the implied atrocities had the inability to stop themselves or see what they were doing was ‘wrong’ and violating human rights and endangering themselves and other people. And while there are the atrocities that are brought to people’s attention and create reactions that ‘influence’ changes to make the people in power say: ”we are doing everything we can to ensure that this atrocity will never happen again”; I have the assumption that there are incidents exactly like the atrocities mentioned above or worse that are going on that aren’t being uncovered and stopped. We are our own worst enemy and the levels of horribleness we can achieve runs parallel to the great things we as beings can accomplice.

(I apologise for going off topic in the previous paragraph, but I felt that it had to be mentioned for educating purposes.)The reality is that anyone or any living being can aspire to seemingly anything as long as it is feasible given the level of dedication, resources and so on.

So now if I was to evaluate myself and ask what I aspire for; the answer is clear to me, but unfathomable to the uneducated, it is realistically insurmountable, and perhaps a bitter pill to swallow for others to read. For those who have read my posts on the SJBMCPRS Report; one (1) might be able to highlight the honest expressions of how I perceive myself and the world, and what the facets of SJBMCPRS mean and how they have an effect. Sure there is a mass of complete horse s*** that comes with every post which added together can poison all of the water on Earth and make Rowan Atkinson tether a donkey to his head, …and there are also parts that aren’t easy for readers to understand; but amongst it all I try to be honest and heartfelt because it’s an aspiration of mine to write creatively and be honest about myself towards the people I associate with because I am not very good at speaking in person. And yet is important for me to express myself in some form because it is ‘disastrous’ to associate with me blindly (and by blindly I mean ‘by going ahead without any prior knowledge’) and can lead to more woe.

To sum up how I am then, it would be best for readers to go through the previous posts illustrating the each of the facets of SJBMCPRS because there is a lot to understand, but for those who want a quick summary, I am the ‘World’s Nemesis’; a bizarre self-loathing, easily paranoid and moody pessimist and wonderer and compulsive racialist who relishes in the dark and sinister thoughts, but wears a mask (not literally) to make himself like ‘normal’, but in reality is a three (3) headed Hydra who tries to retain distance and a degree of self-control, but when pushed beyond limits would not be able to prevent a rampage of psychological brutality and demise.

Yes that’s me summarising myself in a quick fashion. It’s not the kind of thing to put into a CV now is it? Like it or not however this is me and this is how I choose to explain myself to family and friends and people I need to associate honestly with because I believe it’s preferable for me not to associate with people and people not to associate with me. I am worse than the Beast in ‘Beauty and the Beast’ for thy claws and fangs have been replaced with teeth and flesh, but underneath there is venom and presence that make titans tremble when angered. Furthermore, unlike the tale of ‘Beauty and the Beast’; there’s no happy ending when it comes to me given my experiences in life and how I’ve understood myself more and more. This is thy world and I alone dwell in the muck filled with phantoms that I am comfortable with. Thou who associate with me must be aware of how I am, and for those who can’t deal with it there is always the opportunity to turn away and run before I: the ‘World’s Nemesis’ send thou down to the spiral of decline.

If one (1) has read and understood the posts that define in detail the facets of SJBMCPRS; then this mat come across as me being overly melancholic. I must assure however that in explaining what it is I aspire for the most which is insurmountable, that this is how I feel and what if it were possible I would aspire for. I may sound like a lunatic or a megalomaniac but I can understand the difference from fantasy and reality which means in the real world I aspire to be a creative writer. In the land of fantasy and fiction however it is quite different and therefore insurmountable, though I will do my best to explain as it is easier then coming up with what I would like for Christmas every year (which by the way is less than a hundred (100) days away…ARGH!!).

For me, my ultimate aspiration would be to exist in a nexus where my existence is erased from the existence which is known as life on Earth completely. Before someone takes this out of context and makes a fuss over the wrong impression; it is not my desire to kill myself or to have my life ended prematurely because ahead of me lies a road of joy and pain that I want to traverse on, and if it means living with the misery and dwelling on the woes caused by my existence then let me wear them like battle-scars as penance for the ‘wrong’ I have committed and alas may yet committing the future. There is however a fictional universe that profoundly intrigues me and that is the nexus of Heavenly Host Elementary School from the Corpse Party series.

To get the best understanding of the fictional universe of Corpse Party that I have implied above, it is necessary to have a firm understanding of the plot and ramifications in the nexus or ‘closed spaces’ of Heavenly Host Elementary School (to do this its best to start with Corpse Party: Blood Covered Repeated Fear (which is available via PC, IOS, PSP, PS Vita, and 3DS (Japan Only (at the moment)). Without gushing other the plot and the events and details; the essence is that should anyone die in Heavenly Host Elementary School, then there are trapped forever reliving the moment of death to the end of time in Heavenly Host Elementary School, while their existence in the real world is completely erased.

Now this may sound like absolute Hell, and if you understand the story and plot of Corpse Party then it would indeed be a form of intolerable hellish torture. It is of course a work of fiction and therefore not to be taken too seriously. It is however the insurmountable aspiration that I would prefer to exist in if it were possible to take something fictional and make it real with all the supernatural and occult traits and dread of being in such an environment. To only exist in a nexus cut-off from the real world means I can’t commit any ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ to anyone because I wouldn’t exist.

This may sound very, very extreme and a cause for concern, but if I may explain myself as to why this kind of thing appeals to me; it is in my nature to be a much grounded being, and I am comfortable in my own space with no obligations to make me prepare and anxious. I may come across as agoraphobic and have a level of anthropophobia (which may yet be true), but if I were to summarise how I go about a week, I would spend 6/10 of my time by myself, 3/10 with family, and 1/10 with my friends. While this is not an approximate value and events can occur where I spend more time than usual with friends and family than by being by myself; it is what it is and I apologise if this comes across as being selfish or taken the wrong way. The reality is I’m not good with people in general and if I am associating with people for a fair amount of time, I can get agitated when I am not comfortable with the given situation. Additionally while I am willing to help out if friends or family have a question or need me (for whatever reason) to get something done (like ordering something secretly for a family member for Christmas); I cannot put myself in an uncomfortable situation for a long time or be a remedy because someone else can’t manage (this is particularly alienating for me and says about the racialist facet in me when the people who I associate with are adults like me and cannot go about life on their own). While I’m willing to be doing the best I can to do some ‘good’, I am 99% of the time a pessimist who feels unable to be ‘good’ and preferring the company of my own battles and dilemmas in a closed space away from others to prevent potential wrong doing.

That is why the nexus of Heavenly Host Elementary School in the Corpse Party series appeals to me because in that regard I would be shut-off from the real world where I can cause no ‘wrong’ or get agitated by people in general or put in uncomfortable situations. As bad as it may be to feel the moment of death for the rest of time in Heavenly Host Elementary School, especially if the cause of death was due to being pushed off from the top of a stair-case and landing fatally with my ribs shattering upon impact and piercing my lungs instantaneously leading to a slow and very painful demise…I am not a fan of my own life, I despise myself and due to my paranoia; I am painfully aware that I can inadvertently slip on the pavement beside traffic or at the coastal path at the top of Portland, Dorset. As gruesome as death sounds, it is not something I am seeking for; I’m merely wary that death is inevitable and when it happens, it is what it is.

Some people have said that if the insurmountable was possible or if there was any one (1) thing they could have no matter if it wasn’t real; they would have super powers, a means to stop time, go back in time to fix a problem, or do something extraordinary. Others do not know what they would have or would have if the insurmountable was achievable. Me? A space that is cut-off from the rest of the world entirely where I can inhibit willingly would be the one (1) aspiration that is I’m afraid a bit like Shangri-La: a fantasy world that only exists of beings who dream of such.

Does this still come across as overly extreme and concerning, or unclear? If so then I apologise for being unable to be clear enough. It is what it is however and in the end this is only my perception which should not be taken too seriously or out of context or else that would give the wrong impression and place people in unnecessarily dangerous predicaments.

Please be wary and until next time, see ya!