"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality" - Edgar Allan Poe.
If the year 2015 has taught me anything; it is that not everything that happened in the 365 days that followed the epilogue of the year 2014 was for the better. While there are several instances that would dispute the previous sentence, it’s difficult to justify outweighing the cons with the pros, especially when I am a pessimist and take a disliking to spontaneous happenstances (which did happen quite a bit this year).
The year 2015 is perhaps most significant in terms of personal development because not only did I stumble onto living independently from my family and thus having my own home to call my own, but also because I’ve been much more open and clearer about the baffling and potentially dangerous mentality and perception of the “World’s Nemesis” (i.e. the author) through the context of posts on the SJBMCPRS Report, and speaking to friends and family in person. The year 2015 is a very firm and stinging kick in the face by numerous sources that forced me to adapt to the realities of spontaneous happenstances that were and still are rather alien to me, and would’ve made the younger me in the previous year explode.
Quite honestly; if a radio from the Fairy Godmother of Far Far Away were to directly tell me that the events and possibilities that I would’ve considered possible (such as releases of video games that I was looking forward to) and others (like having friends and finding my own place to live) as unlikely as finding an elephant made of jellies and Vibranium in a Chapel in Doncaster were to happen the way they did in 2015, I would’ve quoted the title of a Stereophonics song entitled: “I Wouldn't Believe Your Radio” (and then smashed the radio into pieces, and then turned into a Gingerbread Man with lactose intolerance!). Why would I have done that? It’s because words are meaningless without substance and I would’ve ignored such words like compliments. As in the quote above from Edgar Allan Poe; such fore-sighting wouldn’t have an effect without the substance of reality.
The younger me in the years preceding to 2015 had certain
expectations and perceptions that would have made things as gaining my own
place to live into, a fantasy that would never become a reality like “hover
boards”. And why would I believe such fore-sight or imagination when I’m a
pessimistic abomination to everyone and everything, and experiences has taught
me that expectations never live up.
…And yet somehow several happenstances that I would’ve
considered an illusion did become a reality; in 2015. Typically, these
happenstances were of the spontaneous nature (in my perception), and brought
about many problems since they occurred when I wasn’t prepared. Even the posts
I’ve produced in 2015 on the SJBMCPRS Report were a result of my reactions to
having friends, which was something I never sought for and frankly would’ve
preferred not to have due to my mentality and perception on the World, struggles
with coping around people in general, my experiences, and the way I perceive
myself. To clarify I am not ungrateful for the opportunities and happenstances
that occurred in 2015 that have fabricated an alternative reality to that of
what I envisioned, it has however meant I was exposed to constant difficulties
that I knew I would not adapt to with the grace of a golden eagle swooping in
with a hatchet in possession to swiftly and effortlessly cleave off the heads
of the raving idiots called politicians.
As this post is being written; it is the 27th of
January 2016. The circumstances have changed considerably compared to the same
date last year (2015), however while I can say: “I am content with where I am
right now” considering the barrage of happenstances that occurred (i.e. finding
a place to live independent from family), and the steps I’ve taken (with
support from many) to adapt; I am still of the mind-set of inadequately and insignificance
to everyone alive and dead. The reality is, I have become more self-aware regarding
my mentality and processes, and for better or worse been able to somewhat
articulate the notions, facets, and self into expressive meaning that wasn’t
comprehensible beforehand.Within me there is a storm equivalent to a typhoon/hurricane in the back of my mind, caused by the way I am. It regularly wreaks havoc internally (mostly mentally) and could potentially spew outwardly to those significant to me and everyone and everything else besides. It is a reason (among many) how I can perceive myself as the “World’s Nemesis”, and why I believe I am an abysmal determinant to all, to the extent I do. The extent of this may have been expressed in previous posts like “A mask concealing compulsions and limits”, but the difference then to now is my ‘ability’ to perceive my existence comparably to a tunnel like the Mont Blanc Tunnel.
(Record
abruptly stopping sound) Come again?
Picture it if you will; a highway tunnel like the Mont Blanc
Tunnel represents the ‘everyday’ life and surroundings to my perception, or in
other words it represents me (the author). Now imagine the back and forth of vehicles
and various ongoing that transpires within the Mont Blanc Tunnel at an ‘everyday’
basis. Next regard the traffic of vehicles, various ongoing, and so on as
entities that I will encounter from time to time such as family, people, and happenstances
(i.e. sources that occur which evoke a reaction). Lastly; try to picture a
consistent and amaranthine fog/mist existing exclusively in that tunnel whilst
the ‘everyday’ basis with entities occurring.
You with me so far?
In this interpretation; my life is this fictional Mont Blanc
Tunnel (that I call the ‘tunnel of darkening’), the passing traffic of vehicles
and so on are the entities that make the flow of ‘everyday’ instances that occur,
and the consistent and amaranthine fog/mist is my state of mind/mentality. For
the most part, everything appears to be fine and uneventful. Now and again some
form of ‘entity’ will occur which will cause me to react, like for example:
there is a fault with the boiler in my flat, a stinging memory pops up, or I am
confronted with a bunch of people that for reasons I cannot tolerate (that’s
the Racialist facet in effect). Given my state of mind or mentality at that
given time, my reactions to a situation may vary, but due to my pessimistic
nature and ‘mental differences’; my state of mind/mentality is typically self-distaining
and running at a hundred miles per hour (100mph) when the rest of the world is
running at fifty miles per hour (50mph) …meaning I will not respond in a way
that complements my low self-esteem favourably. When I feel I have taken a ‘hit’
from the interaction with an ‘entity’; my mentality darkens, and the fog/mist
becomes more apparent in this fictional tunnel.
In critical predicaments I may erupt, allowing the storm to spew
freely and create disaster (if I am incapable of taking drastic action to
relieve myself from becoming more and more antagonised. Now I chose to base
this fictional tunnel on the Mont Blanc Tunnel in particular due to the disastrous
fire that occurred on the 24th of March 1999 to portray how catastrophic I perceive
the damage could be to myself and those around me if I am pushed beyond
breaking point.
(I don’t
mean any disrespect or any menace to those lives that were lost and to those who
were forever altered by the 1999 fire, I merely want to illustrate this interpretation
of my frail mentality.)
Being somewhat able to articulate how I feel in given
situations and the facets of my mentality (hence ‘SJBMCPRS’) expressively
(whether it be in person or in posts on this blog), means I am (hopefully) able
to inform the people significant to me (and those who read this blog) about the
limitations I have, and how I strive to bring whatever ‘goodness’ I bring to
those significant to me and the world while avoiding antagonising situations.
My ultimate goal in life is to benefit the lives of those significant to me for
the better. Though it is important to imply that I have issues, and ultimately
I am the furthest thing from ‘doing good’ in my opinion. I mean seriously; ‘me’
being able to do ‘right’ is a greater coked-up hue then being able to change
the past with nothing more than an eraser and ruler while carrying two-hundred
(200) Borneo Pygmy Elephants all at the same time!
That said, I am of the opinion that no-one is perfect and that
while it is a little disconcerting to realise that I am not the only person who
feels little to no self-worth (among other distressing notions I can associate with),
I feel somewhat better that I can express myself to those who can comprehend
what I go on about, and in turn (hopefully) provide support to people
significant to me.
Alas I find the fog/mist in the ‘tunnel of darkening’ thickening
when I am once again reminded how maddening the world as we know it is. There
is a lot in the world to make me (and possibly other people) that much more
miserable and (in my case) reclusive. For example; I don’t like people in
general, and I don’t like the way the world is heading. If all the things I don’t
like or cannot agree with (even trivial instances like the story of a
transgender father of seven (7), living as a six (6) year old in an adopted
home, or the ability to order a pizza in real life through in a video game like
Minecraft), makes me an evildoer living in terror, then so be it because it’s easy
to cause offense to someone without the intention. I use this argument created
from the state of the world as we know it to contradict such notions such as
Proverbs 21:15: “When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but
terror to evildoers”, because people have the ability to perceive other people
as ‘evil’, or to do or say something that offends someone else intentionally or
not, thus labelling them as ‘wrong’ or ‘evil’. Even the holiest being in all existence
can be interpreted as ‘wrong’ by those who believe differently, so I have no
problem being labelled as an ‘evildoer’ if I find something ‘wrong’ and
maddening, and therefore can’t agree with or tolerate.
But not all notions and instances are made equally; and while I can handle loneliness and ‘shrug off’ a notion that I don’t like or agree with (i.e. I don’t care for ‘Star Wars’) which makes labels me as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ (etc.), there are instances that create a rippling effect in one’s self-belief. For as long as I can recall; I have had the notion of inadequately and having no purpose stuck into my subconscious. The notion of feeling like a waste of life feels so deep into the cerebral cortex of my brain, that I cannot turn off or remove entirely. To feel like the epitome of blankness with nothing to offer, while there are individuals who have ‘done something with their lives’ and accomplished something unforgettable …can create such distain for oneself… This notion is truly painful to comprehend, and I have no doubt it has led to countless people torturing themselves mentally or physically (or both!). Would I be surprised if people committed suicide because of this feeling of inadequacy? No, I wouldn’t be, because I can comprehend the harrowing despair caused by such thoughts and beliefs, along with other causes and triggers for disdain and self-mutilation (mentally, physically or both).
Just to clarify; not everyone goes through the same ups and
downs that life can conjure up, and not everyone suffers from the same mental
dark and discouraging notions. While loneliness doesn’t affect me as much as it
would affect others, there are notions that will take its toll and not be as
evident in other people. Call me ignorant, but I generally perceive the majority
of notions such as discontent, inadequacy, loneliness, melancholy,
self-loathing, loss and so on; as one (1) significant mass of influence that I
refer to as ‘darkening’ which fluctuates in terms of significance on an unpredictable
basis. As strange as it may sound; I am okay with my ‘inflictions’ shall we say
and contemplating whilst influenced by the amaranthine storm that consumes so
much of my mentality because I believe that I deserve no better then to be the “World’s
Nemesis”, and sustain all the blame and
discontent the world can provide.
However while I can maintain myself (provided I am not
pushed beyond breaking point) and not let the amaranthine storm amass chaos and
destruction to people and properties (like the storm in ‘Arcadia Bay’ in “Life
Is Strange” video game); it doesn’t mean I can fully control all aspects of ‘darkening’.
Putting it simply; I believe anyone can succumb to ‘darkening’ (deep depression
in other words), and be incapable of coping. What I think stings the most in
recognising your own issues, state of mentality and so on; is the possibility
that someone else you know (typically close to you) is lying in the same or
similar state of woe. I can’t help but have an image of my younger brother
lying under a failing roof in the bitter and stormy night, with the raindrops
pelting heavily; being incapable of movement due the obstacles of depression
fixing him in place, burnt into my mind. Worse still I know my mother suffers
from dark moments, as well as the fear of going blind; and I see her walking
over the edges of Portland Bill because life is gotten so dark and there’s no
one there extending their hand to help because no one can. Being incapable of
helping someone else feeling the weight of such bleakness is the worst notion I
can imagine. What’s more I know it isn’t imaginary because the feelings of
depression are real and I can feel them. As the quotation above implies: “Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of
their reality” …that is a reality I know all too well. It is just one (1) of
many faces of the storm equivalent to a typhoon/hurricane in the back of my
mind…
While I am relieved that no one in my family has gone to the
point beyond return, it very nearly did, and I am very afraid when there is a
moment where no words or help can deter someone important to you away from the
solace of not having to feel anything anymore. The only thing I can do upon
recognising the darkened distress of someone significant to me, is talk about
it with the person, as long he or she is willing to listen…
I know as I reside in my ‘tunnel of darkening’, I feel the
thickness of my mentality seeping into me like the warmth of a comforting
blanket come straight out of a tumble-dryer. I am bleak, irrelevant and very
possibly poisonous, but I am also content with the familiarity of my own
notions, along with the ‘little wins’ I can get from time to time. Even if the
‘little win’ is vastly insignificant to the amaranthine storm and constantly fluctuating
‘darkening’, it helps me not erupt disastrously, as well as overcome the desire
to lay on the Spanish Sahara like a lilo losing air (a reference to
"Spanish Sahara" by Foals).
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I will conclude the twenty-ninth (29th) post on
the SJBMCPRS Report to a close with sincere apologies for any offense caused by
the contents of this post. I also apologise as this post was meant to come out
before the beginning of 2016, and provide a more varied theme; though I decided
to take a different approach based on real life instances that occurred in the
process of this posts’ development. Feel free to comment or imply your own
perceptions, and until next time, see ya! 