“Growth begins when we
begin to accept our own weakness.” - Jean Vanier
When
a situation arises, how do you come out of a stammering and uncertain moment? How
do you make the connection with people around you? Why is it easier to talk to
some people then others? How do we make the moments of awkwardness morph into
moments of cooperation? How do you say what you want to say correctly? Why is
it when we say or do something, that we fall on our own swords and fail? If you
had the choice, what would be your final words?
...What
is it you want out of life?
Do
we know all the answers for every time there is a situation in life? No, it has
to be accepted that you don't have all the answers, and that not everything
happens as one (1) expects it to. But when faced with a situation that evokes
uncertainty and cannot be so easily answered without something ‘wrong’
subsequently happening, is it ludicrous to think that avoidance is the
remedy?
Think
about the significance of a decision, or reaction has in a situation, and
consider what experiences you’ve had up to this moment. What has worked before,
and what hasn’t. ...Your expectations and instincts. All of these factors, and
more are merely variables, or pieces of a puzzle that depict a situation that
has yet to form clearly. And yet; the things that matter most cannot be ignored
such as one’s personal feelings and so on, which are in-turn affected by the
outcome of a situation. Thus, one (1) would react in a manner to a situation
that is perceived by the self to be ‘right’.
(Record abruptly stopping
sound) This means for all the headaches that stem from people who shove their
perceptions of what is ‘right’ into society, and influence the seemingly
never-ending sewage of ‘beliefs’ and ‘truths’ flooding every nook and cranny
available, are in fact deciding to react to a situation to which either
involves them or influences them. I suppose that means the ‘SJWs’, and people
who react unreasonably are validated in that sense, though I must digress as my
choices of words and feelings as implied in previous posts remain, and I try to
remain as calmly oblivious in spite of what constantly feels like a persistent
an annoying wasp circling my head.
So,
with that in mind; I want to visually describe what I mean by projecting a
mental image of what a situation can come across as. Picture a road as a
representation of one’s journey through life. The vehicle you drive along this
road is an avatar that defines you, and in-turn also represents other people in
different vehicles going along the same road known as life. As time goes on,
your vehicle avatar changes as does you through life. Along the process of
life, you have taken multiple directions based on your interpretation of what
feels right for you, and have come across roundabouts (or an intersection in
other words). With a roundabout; you are presented with multiple directions to
which you choose one (1) to traverse upon.
With
me so far?
As
you mentally portray the road as the journey through life; picture also a
roundabout as a situation to which your decision/reaction dictates what happens
afterwards, or in other words; which direction your life goes. Say for example
the situation is the result of an ongoing argument where your best friends are
‘bickering’ about their choices after graduation. Person A is going to
university, and is promoting how taking this route is the ‘right’ choice that
is second to none. Person B however already has a steady job, and has looked
into getting you a job in the same establishment, thus feels competent that choosing
this choice is the ‘best’ option. You have yet to decide which path is the one
for you, but neither best friend makes it any easier for you as they rant
profusely against one (1) another, and swear to break away from you if you
don’t go with their choice. Do you go into further education and side with
person A which pleases person A; but upsets person B, because person B
interprets your choice as a preference towards person A and that it means the
relationship between you and person B is dropped and shattered like a diamond
falling off a perilously tall peak. Do you fancy your chances with employment
and take person B’s offer; which pleases person B, but makes person A
disappointed and betrayed by you. Do you opt for your own choice which you feel
is the ‘right’ decision, but consequentially deters both your best friends? Or
do you go around in circles flummoxed by the perilous decision that awaits you,
all the while seeing those options appear more and more distant. Whichever
decision you make, it comes at a cost whether to one (1) of your best friends,
or personal aspiration.
Now
that above is a hypothetical scenario, but a scenario that could occur in
reality. As fictional and school teen show like it seems, almost all fiction is
based on some kind of reality, much like comedy is said to be based on some
form of misery. Because of this, a scenario like this can provide a troubling
prospect as the outcome affects you significantly in more ways than one (1).
Consider for example that the choice of going to university with person A means
the financial disadvantage you may find (because universities are expensive),
as well as the possibility that this choice doesn’t work out for you as hoped.
The same can be said for the choice of finding employment with person B; just
because person B said that he/she has looked into getting you a job at the same
establishment, doesn’t mean it’s a guarantee, and may not yield the outcome as
desired. While some implications were implied by both person A and person B
regarding their choices for you, not every implication was. In many regards
this is true about real-life decisions because you don’t always get all the
answers you require t0o make the decision that you think is the ‘right’ choice.
Nor are you made aware of the potential implications and consequences involved
in making a decision, until later on due to hindsight. And not every situation
is the same; in one (1) situation you could be deciding innocently enough between
a sandwich or a slice of fresh pizza, and in another situation, you could have
your back against the wall choosing whether or not to be truthful with someone
significant about something very crucial.
However,
the abundance of awkwardness is not an exclusive attribute. It is a notion that
can affect anyone. You can't avoid awkwardness, and neither can anyone for that
matter. That said, it will affect people in different ways, and some people are
more prone to discomfiture then others. Nevertheless, awkwardness (or whichever
word one (1) wishes to use) isn't a bad thing, it is a part of life regardless,
and know it’s not only you who experiences it.
In
the instances where we can affect the course of our lives and perhaps another
person's or several others' lives, it is up to you how you react. How you react
becomes the basis for subsequent reactions whether it’s you responding to
something you said or did, or someone else responds. Even if you can't grasp
the situation fully or perceive the outcomes good or bad; an outcome is inevitable,
regardless if you were ready for it or not. Life is crammed full of seemingly
infinite happenstances, it cannot stop, even though there will be moments where
it feels like life or everything around you have grinded to a halt. Up until
the eventual moment where it does seem to end in death however, there will be countless
instances that you'll make, or are made by other means regardless if you are
aware of them or not.
Though
in some instances, the prospect of a situation and circumstances may have a
significant effect on one's desires. For some life is a passage for them to
make something out of themselves. To be remembered, to overcome, to love etc.
Such desires can be affected however by something unexpected, thus placing you
in a situation you feel unready to respond to. A bad outcome can disrupt your
course, or worse ruin them entirely and lead you down an alternate path where
there is nothing else but obsession over the thing you wanted is lost. On the
other hand, a positive outcome will make the transaction to normality seamlessly,
despite the 'hiccup'. But how do you know the choice(s) you make was the
correct or incorrect one? You don't. Your involvement is just another variable
along with many other variables (such as other people's choice(s), or
environmental) that you cannot influence.
Suddenly
the prospect of uncertainty seems daunting, doesn't it? Thus, the sensation of
awkwardness, and the possibility that your actions help determine whether you
land on that double-edged sword or not. Worry not though as this is a natural
sensation that occurs with everyone (as implied earlier in this post), and I
would be unreasonable if I said it doesn’t affect me more than others. How one
(1) manages situations is partially affected by one's reaction, and the other
factors included, and situations may vary in terms of significance.
But
does that moment of uncertainty found in daily instances evoke a sense of dread
or fear? To countless people, that would not be a ridiculous notion. I
certainly cannot deny my pessimism or uncomfortableness knowing that a
situation can unfold in a manner that I cannot comprehend. Nor can I deny that
beneath the facade that people see, lies a person of insecurities and trepidation.
One
(1) of my many flaws/weaknesses stems from my reactions to situations involving
interactions with people I know and don't know. It could be thought that the
uneasiness would be worse with people of whom I do not know, and have no
concern for then with those significant to me. After all, people that are
significant and have gotten used to the atrocity that is me, would know what to
expect from me and in turn I would know better through experience. If anything,
though, I ...find that it’s even harder when interacting with people
significant to me.
No
more has this become apparent than in the weeks leading up to this moment of
time. My efforts to interact, and maintain a facade have been tested greatly as
I placed myself in situations where I am exposed to the perceptions of
audiences. Case in point; from the 10th to the 14th of October, there was an
art exhibition in the Weymouth Library to promote awareness of mental health,
and I among others provided material to be presented to audiences. Given the
complexities of my contributions; a la the eight (8) sided dice called the 'Eight
faces of Interpretation', 'the board game depicting mental health called ‘A
passage to mental health', and much documentation; I felt it was important to
be present for periods of time throughout the course of the exhibition, so I
can explain to audiences what my contributions mean, in spite of documentation
being present to explain everything on my behalf. Sure, enough this mindset
proved accurate as several people took interest and asked questions, and while
I was mentally wishing people would read the documentation rather than putting
me in situations of awkwardness, I assumed rightly that not everyone would have
had the time to examine the thousands of words I had written/typed in the
provided documentation. This experience exemplified the intention implied in
the post ‘Translating the incomprehensible?’; to which using other means to
express yourself rather than just using written/typed words, such as through visual
representation can make audiences comprehend what is to be expressed to them
more effective.
Needless
to say, however; it was an enduring process, which was only intensified when
pictures were taken, and I find myself pictured in a newspaper article a week
later. ...ugh! And all the compliments ...and references to me being artistic...!
Ugh! ...Will someone or something hit me over the head with a scale sized zebra
made out of steel already! Don’t get me wrong, acknowledgment and compliments
is important, and it’s great for the other people who contributed to the
exhibition to receive recognition...
...just don’t direct any of it at me because I
feel out of place enough already! I mean would you like it if I scrape my hand against
a chalk board, or scratched plateware with a metallic object such as a spoon,
again and again?! That’s how it feels to me; and I am no fan of it, as I am
sure not many people are.
But
that's just one (1) particular event, of which won't be replicated in terms of
length and intensity for a while... What about everyday instances; particularly
when I am situations involving interactivity with people significant to me? Now
in these situations the turmoil I feel is intensified, because I have certain condemning
perceptions of myself, and thus perceive myself as the worst being that these
people have the unfortunate displeasure of having to interact with. Even with
friends and family; I still feel this way, and that's as likely to change as my
head transforming into a vacuum cleaner larger than the entirety of Mt Everest!
Even
after I explain myself and it appears that I have managed to 'settle in'
amongst my friends and family, those instances of awkwardness and weakness occur
persistently. That's not because these people are making it difficult for me to
interact with, far from it, these people are tremendous, and I am extremely
fortunate that they tolerate me. The moments of awkwardness, unknowing, and
uneasiness comes from my own insecurities, and failed experiences. Try as I
might to benefit the lives of my friends and family for the better, and do what
is perceived as 'right' to the best of my abilities; I constantly feel like the
bubble could pop at any moment, and everything goes fearfully wrong.
I
am content with doing what I do, and worry not so much about possible
repercussions to myself as long as I am satisfying the people significant to
me. However; I am fearful that the bliss I feel from doing 'good' can
subsequently turn into the nightmare, which I feel is alas inevitable. I could
have the best intentions when presenting a birthday present, or gift of generosity;
but my efforts could easily be misinterpreted into meaning something else or
'wrong' by someone else, and thus subsequent interactions can become unfavourable.
This I know from experiences that didn’t plan out as hoped ...not that there
was any particular plan, more rather just a psychological need to do some ‘good’
by compensating for who I am. Yet despite harrowing experiences; I still do
what I do because it’s the most significant way to mentally justify my purpose
for existing, and at the same time feel happy, ...aside from the other means of
amusement and satisfaction that comes from entertaining media, and food.
What
I have just implied therefore is that I have a tendency to do things that are
meant for the ‘right’ reasons, but can come across as ‘wrong’ and bizarre. The
fact that this strategy has failed previously, means there is a flaw, and that
apparent flaw becomes more and more of an apparent weakness as I persist, while
expecting failure to spite me and throw me onto my own sword with each
situation. To illustrate this; I shall elaborate with the following example:
I
along with friend A, B, C, and D; are interacting with one another whilst
playing a board game. Things seem as ‘normal’ as it generally gets. However; a
situation arises when friend C asks me if I can help he/she with something. In
an instant, different notions emerge psychologically, all the while I listen to
friend C about the matter. On one (1) hand, I am honoured and pleased that friend
C asked me for help with his/her matter, because it means in some regard I am
trusted enough by friend C. On the other hand, I am consciously aware that my
efforts to help friend C can result in a matter of ways, with the tendency to
linger on the worse case scenarios (because I am a negative person, and I have
failed numerous times prior with other people). Choosing a roundabout to
mentally portray the possible outcomes in this situation; I can choose to do as
friend C requested and take care of a matter which friend C cannot (which will
be defined as the choice on the left of the roundabout), or I can opt to
decline via a given excuse and leave friend C in his/her predicament (which
will be defined as the opposite choice on the right of the roundabout).
Naturally I strive to do the best I can, so I choose to take care of friend C’s
matter (i.e. taking the left path). However, upon choosing to do this, allows
me to mentally imagine a scenario where my best efforts either result in the
best possible outcome by fulfilling friend C’s request as desired, or result in
failure and consequently disappoints friend C.
The
example above is a hypothetical situation, to which is NOT meant to imply
anyone in particular. That said; it is a very real example of a situation for
me, as I mentally traverse upon a high rope when I find myself in a situation
where my decisions/reaction can have implications not only for myself, but to
those significant to me such as friends and family. Just the mention of my name
by a significant person makes me mentally alarmed, plus the subsequent thoughts
that I have done ‘wrong’ immediately fills me with a sense of dread and
discomfort.
This
is a problematic dilemma for me, though I can't be wrong in thinking that I am
alone in facing these situations. I don’t doubt that I have the habit of
finding myself in an awkward predicament while thinking of the worst in a given
situation, more than other people do. And it can be interpreted that by revealing
such flaws about myself, that I make myself weaker by doing so. There is a
quote from Dorothy Dix “Confession is
always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own
punishment in silence.” That I would’ve followed when I was years younger as
a means to be illusive to everyone. This however I feel is not an option for the most part any
longer, as I am (astonishingly) a person people are okay with, and someone who
can take care of matters that others cannot. Admittedly, the notion of avoiding a situation plagued
by awkward feelings is still a ‘tactic’ I employ once and a while to maintain a
narrow yet manageable balance as it were, though I will admit that it somewhat
shameful, and as a result of circumstances nowadays, it is a ‘tactic’ I use far
less then I have in the past. As I type up this post; I am aware
of this being demonstrated by the fact that I have gone to great lengths to
procure several Christmas presents on the behalf of the members of my family
who would not be able to achieve the same feat. That’s not me being arrogant,
its merely a reality, that I have become more aware of, and have accepted.
At
this stage; I cannot be any less then who I am, and even though it means I am
shallow and flawed, it is nonetheless a reality I am content with. By being
honest with myself, and to those who wish to read this llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg
post; I am making it easier for myself to decipher want I am capable of, as
well as providing an insight to my mental processes which might be
comprehensible for some people to some extent. Transparency within reason is my
choice as I traverse across the road known as life. Whether that’s a ‘good’
choice or ‘bad, that’s up to interpretation.
This
is where I will conclude this post (number 35 (thirty-five) (XXXV)). As implied
before in post XXXIV, for more information about mental health, or on matters
regarding awkwardness and other topics; use a search engine to find a lot more
information, and helpful links to quench your interest. If you are reading this
post via the SJBMCPRS Report blogsite; you will be able to see pictures of
implied creating for the mental health exhibition on the right-hand side of the
webpage. In the meantime, feel free to comment or imply your own perceptions,
and until next time, see ya!
