Please be aware that this post includes details of legitimate events and may include uncomfortable topics. Discretion is most appreciated because while I write and share to inform audiences, there is content within this post that may be considered offensive.
I spy with my little disturbed perspective, something in my mentality beginning with 'P'. Can you guess what it is? Here's a clue; its something that theoretically everyone would experience, or at least know about.
Yes, the 'P' in SJBMCPRS is 'Paranoia;! No points will be awarded to the following people who would think the 'P' could stand for something like 'Puberty', a 'Plane', 'Pokémon', 'Penguin', 'Peas' or 'Porsche', 'Peter Andre', or 'Peter Jackson' (or the countless other things that begin with the letter 'P'). Paranoia is the double-edged sword that cleaves my brain into a billion Rubik's Cubes; each with its own voice and a lifetime of sugar supply meaning they won't ever shut up, and impales the heart and gut in my body. This relentless infliction forces me to question every day situations and occurrences and endlessly ponder as I try to perceive if something that I'm paranoid about is 'good' or 'bad'.
Seriously; I go back and forth, swaying from side to side like a bear influenced by the consumption of LSD on a tricycle suspended on a wire above a pool of eels, sharks, a lion, and David Cameron doing a bulls*** twenty (20) hour conversation about how he wishes he could be loved...every time I consider having a glass of banana milkshake!! Why? because of my paranoia, that's why; as nice it is to drink, the inner voices argue like the morons in Parliament that its dairy and its got too much sugar which may lead to diabetes and believing more and more that I am becoming obese when in reality I am not according to some people (i.e. family).
Honestly if someone can give an example as la, la as Lady Gaga on cocaine as I did just above, they need to be tied down onto a stretcher and weighed down by the anchor of the Titanic! Perhaps that's why I keep getting calls from Broadmoor Hospital.
................Okay..........take a breather and count how many times I would like to take a steaming hot frying pan to the faces of the people who decided that a 'Park and Ride scheme' would cut back on traffic and pollution in Weymouth and support the idiocy that is Justin Bieber! Okay, I'm good......
From my perspective; paranoia is the friend I've always had and grown up with to appreciate and despise, and its so well woven into my mentality and way of life that its easier to do the Macarena for an hour with a beehive wedged down my throat and the total mass of the Palace of the Parliament in Romania over my shoulders. In short; I'm paranoid, hence it representing the 'P' in SJBMCPRS. If one is to look up the definition of paranoia, its safe to assume that most of what is said is true about the state of my mentality.
Therefore, I am one (1) of those people who glances over his shoulder to check if anyone is following, and if that's the case then I will subsequently adjust my current pace and COA according to whether I feel comfortable or not. I am one (1) of those people who will obsess about what I would do if I was attacked, stabbed, shot, hit by a vehicle, lost my balance on the coastal path high up on Portland, or had something out of the blue drop out of the sky and deliver blunt force truama to my head. I am one (1) of those people who will check that the doors to the house or the garage or the car are all locked even though I am told beforehand that they are. I am one (1) of those people who will stop and check for anything nearby when I hear something that could be potentially harmful or alarming, even though its actually part of a song (particularly songs that sound like the tones and sounds that my mobile phone makes when a text message pops up or sirens and so on). I am one (1) of those people who will IMMEADIATELY think and feel that I have done something wrong when I interpret a signal incorrectly like when a friend grumbles or doesn't respond to a call or text message I made/sent. I am one (1) of those people who evaluates the use of words, tone, body language and my overall presence when I have talked to someone, and become overly self-critical and even more self-loathing for something I consider was 'bad' (even if that's not the case in reality). I am one (1) of those people who is unjustly cynical and apprehensive about something 'new' like the so-called contactless way to pay for groceries imbedded into my debit card.
To say I am insecure is like saying Elvis Presley is famous. But while I may sound like a lunatic (and trust me, I know some of the stuff I come up with is mind-bogging and absurd (and even funny as some of my friends have mentioned)), the degree of my paranoia isn't so overwhelming that it makes me a real threat to society and a resident of a 'nut house' (though I digress because I call myself the World's Nemesis). I am able to function in the so-called 'normal' world amongst others in any given situation. While I definitely have issues, I am not entirely unable to trust or incapable of making decisions and ideas for myself and others (like friends and family). While I admit the thought of hugging someone or being hugged by someone like my younger brother or a friend puts me into a mental tornado and feeling uncomfortable (due to unfavourable experiences in my life); I would be lying if I said I don't feel sincere emotions like compassion and gratitude towards those I care about.
Alas it doesn't help when for the most part I am defensive about many of life's happenstances and the majority of people I encounter. Specifically; being paranoid has led to numerous problems in the past and present and near future regarding my attitude, behaviour, and the things and people I interact with. I will admit my paranoia has affected the relationships I have with the people I know and not in the most positive of ways; but while there are times where I have learned and become better around others, particularly with my friends (and A LOT is due to the kindness and tolerances of my friends of which I am indeed eternally grateful for), there are instances that will unfortunately cast a seemingly dark cloud for a long time to come, if not for the rest of time.
As grim as it comes across; I have a strained and distanced relationship with several members of the family and people close to the family. Due to negative experiences prior; I have little to no faith or respect for the qualities within the people implied in the prior sentence above, which means I am paranoid about my place in the family, my identity and my wellbeing, as well as the well being of the family of whom are also affected. I've mentioned before in posts that my younger brother attempted suicide at a young age, and has gone through various degrees of depression later on in life which means I am tirelessly wary that whenever he breaks up with a boyfriend (and there have been many), he'll fall into that well of despair and contemplate suicide as a means to escape the hardship. My oldest brother's girlfriend/fiancée of whom I refer to as the "Hindenburg" has lost countless jobs, begged for money, taken money from senior relatives both from her own family and my Dad's mother, and has even stabbed my oldest brother with scissors years ago! Do you think I can honestly feel safe around this person?! And then there's my sister who has a short fuse and had loans and numerous issues with repaying loans since 1997 even to this day! To add even more salt into the wounds and propel my paranoia further into the uncharted depths of space; there was a very recent case of inappropiate action that was considered as sexual harassment involving my Dad and a customer which although resolved and no charges were made; led to my Dad having to spend hours in a cell while leaving the family overwhelmingly worried and (for me and my Mum in particular) paranoid and open to the daunting possibility that there may be reasonable doubt and considerable weight to the prospect that Dad was cheating (even though it was ruled as a mistake and inappropiate behavior by police and there was nothing to prove there may actually be more to the matter). The thing that really puts the frosting on the cake made of sewage and human soup is the fact that these people (for the most part) are family and therefore there is the implied perception that I am meant to forgive, forget, love and honour family. And yet because they are family, it makes me feel even more uneasy, unsafe and all the more paranoid when something goes rotten.
But what about the people that aren't close like the students in school that have negatively affected me, and those who I have absolutely no idea about until something suddenly conflicting and distressing happens? Am I able to trust and not feel paranoid about when I associate myself with organisations and companies I ought to feel secure and confident with? The answer is a resounding 'no' because even if I have tried, used and have satisfactory experiences with a company like the bank of whom I use or the opticians; Specsavers of whom helped improve my vision with corrective glasses...I am cynical, I have apprehension and therefore I am paranoid when my personal details that are supposedly secured with those respected companies are being used by different and similar companies like Barclays and Vision Express to get me to invest in them. Vodafone is no different, Sky; of whom provide Sky TV and broadband are no different, Amazon, eBay and so on all give me the feeling of apprehensiveness and the inablity to fully commit or trust because somehow they are failing to ensure my integrity and human rights are being maintained by the means of the laws.
Did you know that in the earier months of my tenure at the Asda cafe, A collegue of whom I thought I could trust actually called me and asked for my consent to add my name and details as a reference so that person could get a loan? Cautiously and reminded of the horse s*** that nearly landed me into having to pay for one (1) of my sisters's loans, and the incident where my younger brother had difficulty with the mobile provider Orange because his name and details were used in a contract for someone else; I said 'no' because I immeadiately thought and expected the worse like having to bail this collegue out, and having even more 'junk' piling up on my email accounts and harassment from lenders chasing me for a loan. I mention this in particular because it made me insecure and wary of the people I associate with in case they try to use me, and given the ordeal that happened on the 28/05/2015, I can honestly say my concerns were meritied.
On the 28/05/2015; a paranoid assumption of mine became a reality and on the cusp of costing me £££s and far, far greater insecurity. Until I was informed by an email by my bank earlier in the morning whilst I was in the Weymouth Library, I wouldn't have known that I was a target and potentially a victim of identity theft. In a nutshell my name, records, card and account details had been duplicated by someone else of whom I am not told or know of, and was being used illegally to withdraw payments and apply for loans under my name. The reason this was prevented was because my bank flagged up this apparent action as 'inconsistent' and a 'cause of concern', and prompted me by email (and later on a meeting) to provide proof that I am who I said I am to identify the crime that had been made and put a stop to proceedings. I can't say very much because this is very much a police matter and I am told extremely little to ensure as little risk to me as possible. All I am asked is to routinely check with my bank as soon as the account details have been changed to prevent such an incident happening again, and the rest is none of my concern so I am told.
As shocking as this sounds and how discomforting and out of the blue overwhelming this was to be confronted with this development; I chose to put the matter on the back seat when there was the possibility that I could be hanging out with my friends because I didn't want this personal matter to affect them and force them into an uncomfortable situation themselves such as spend a possible hour plus outside the bank I use as the matter is explained to me and attended to. Plus by the time I returned to the town (around 16:34) and went to the bank, the police had hours before made the arrest as prompted by me providing the proof via the bank emailing me, which meant all there was left was to go through what happened and arrange to have my bank account details altered for security reasons. I apologise for not being untruthful about what happened to my friends of whom I was in contact with on the 28/05/2015, but by being vague and appearing to be deep in thought, I was merely trying to get over my shock and put those who matter the most first (1st).
Questions will run through my mind no matter what the outcome is like how did this person or people responsible get my information? How many others were targeted? was this fraudster or fraudsters known to me? Given what had happened and the experiences I've had; I can't help but be suspicious that it could well have been someone I knew, which means I am open to be more paranoid, especially when there are people I know who have resorted to numerous lows in order to get money (though I can't exactly go around accusing anyone in my family because its only an assumption, and I'd rather keep it as far away from the family knowing about as possible).
But even with this matter being attended to and disaster prevented; I am now exceedingly insecure and paranoid, especially with regards to my identity and the accounts and the personal information I share with these organisations and companies. Identity theft isn't unheard of to me and there is the unfortunate chance that someone could manipulate for their gain at the cost of others. What's the hardest for me to accept though is the fact that information that is supposed to be secured can just as easily be used wrongfully, and with postage and emails being sent in the past and still being sent that uses information that I don't give authorisation to use, the possibility of it happening again is something I can't get dispel. Given the situation however and how I've prevented myself from getting angry about the matter throughout the day, my preferred action from here on is to let it go as best I can and keep it to myself because truth be told worse things have happened to me and this 'bad' thing that happened barely bothers me anyway other than making me paranoid.
Perhaps though it was never as strongly apparent, problematic and devaluing then when I was working for the Asda café in Weymouth during my tenure of later summer of 2011 to spring of 2013. In a nutshell the working conditions, the environment and my own mental disposition made me extraordinarily unwell mentally. On the days I was pencilled in on the timetable to work and the plentiful amount of days I wasn't but was asked at short notice to come in anyway (because of a staff shortage or the sheer amount of work needed to manage a given day); I couldn't allow myself to take a break despite the law stating I should, because I knew the customers were always going to come, equipment like teapots, specific menus like vegetarian meals, plates and cutlery would need to be constantly available along with tables and trays, and if I wasn't there trying my best to manage the ordeal, the other staff would collapse under the strain. So because I was disgusted by the laziness of people who thought "oh let's eat here because I'm too f***ing lazy to go home and cook something myself" and "leave the table a mess and the plates on the tables because I just can't be asked" and didn't like the fact that customers were constantly pressurising me; I was paranoid every time I went into work. Given how there was never enough workforce or proper training to deal with the ordeal of running a café/restaurant day after day, tasks like washing up the plates and clearing tables was exceptionally draining and seemingly never ending. I was unable to make good out of the earnings every month due to the randomness of the hours which meant the idea of having a place of my own to live was out of the question. The fact that I applied for different jobs but very rarely get any response made me both exhausted and unable to feel comfortable with myself because if employers weren't interested in taking me on board or even notifying me then it must of meant there was something wrong with me. But the worst thing was what working at the Asda café was doing to me because I would always be caught by my family starring at my phone and readying my uniform because 9/10 times it will ring or have a text message pop up from the Asda café asking me to come in and work.
By the time I had the will to have myself checked out by my GP and eventually a psychiatrist; I was mentally broken and on the brink of really sticking cutlery into the customers who were just pissing me off by being customers and forcing me to work harder and harder and making me madder and madder. And the reality was that I would've if it meant I could break free from the unbearable working conditions (and it wasn't just me because other members of staff were irritated as well and some weren't as capable of restraining their flaring resentment for the job as I). Shortly afterwards I made the decision that I wasn't doing myself any favours continuing to work for so little and making myself as insignificant I can in order to best focus on the given task at hand despite my dislike for it all growing every day. Years later; I am unemployed which sucks and I am so distraught, miserable and paranoid that I want to bomb Compass headquarters for putting not just me but the other members of staff in Hell and not providing enough to compensate with our zero (0) hour contracts and lack of entitlements. On the other hand however; I am much happier and mentally more stable because I am no longer working, and though I aim to find employed work again; I will never want to work in that kind of working environment again. Although I've constantly thought what might've happened had I continued to work there like going to such extremes as harming others or self-harming the feelings of anxiety, resentment and paranoia always come back whenever I enter the Asda superstore in Weymouth.
Given the experiences given above; its fair to assume that a lot can be said about paranoia and being paranoid is 'bad' or at least presented in the context that its a disorder; there are a least a few benefits from being prone to paranoia. Without question the experiences (good and bad) I've had have made me more and more self-aware of my mental setup, and I am wiser now then I was years ago where I tried to ignore my struggles in the pursuit of fulfilling the objective/task at hand. I know now that being ignorant is just as hazardous to me as being bullied and walked over, and that by listening to my paranoia; I am leaving myself less open to shocks and unwanted surprises.
I do not rule the world and therefore I have no direct control over circumstances beyond my power or on people and surroundings around me in given circumstances; which ultimately means I can't take measures to prevent myself from being paranoid or worked up. However in the process of openly expressing how paranoia is a fundamental facet and regular occurrence in my life, I am offering further insight into the person I am as well as the people of whom I associate with the opportunity to understand me better and be better prepared for any given situation which may or may not include awkwardness on my behalf.
Phew, its late! As I bring this post to a close, I am aware that I am nodding off and I really ought to put an end to this post, not just so I can try and get some sleep (though that's unlikely), but also to allow readers to catch they're breath and take in the contents provided in this post. With the 'P' in SJBMCPRS know defined, there's only 'C' left to refer to. What could 'C' be I wonder? Find out on the next post on the SJBMCPRS Report. Please remember that the contents of this post is available for viewing and I share this because I trust the discretion and loyalty of my readers. If there are any questions or suggestions you may have, then feel free to leave comments or messages.
Until next time, see ya!
Thursday, 28 May 2015
Thursday, 14 May 2015
A lone wolf in black sheep's clothing and the phantom relationship roadblock - SJBMCPRS Diagnosis
Please note this post is not my excuse for my behaviour or attitude towards friends and family; this is merely my attempt to clarify my hopeless perspective. In the process I may repeat myself from previous posts in this clarification. Apologies if this is deemed pathetic and if I inadvertently offend in this post.
There's something I'm afraid to say I am very good at, and this is being not truthful and not as open-minded as I ought to be. Contrary to appearances and what I say; I am a clueless and scared mixed-up person with a perspective that would knock out Mike Tyson for the fifty (50) count if there was such a thing. I am an in-perfect person (and quite frankly who isn't?), and therefore I can't be the best I can in reality which means there will be alas instances where I cause more problems then solutions. And while I accept this about myself and strive to improve; there is a significant obstacle or a warped wall (for those who know that it is an obstacle in the Ninja Warrior/Sasuke program) that for some time has been an unconquerable mental obstacle which has led to a couple of problems.
I call this the Phantom Relationship Roadblock or 'PRR' for short (this is not a facet of SJBMCPRS, though it does part imply the compulsive loop and paranoia to a degree which are facets), and it illustrates to me my problematic approach to relationships (i.e. the friendships I have). I am a twenty-five (25), nearing twenty-six (26) year old hydra of a human being, and yet I have a limited knowledge and experience regarding relationships, and most of it stems from unfortunately bleak situations. Because of this I am on the brink of that PRR or warped wall or a dead end/broken road in Silent Hill, and I find myself in a loop that has no real direction and has led to disaster in the past.
I am not a people person. People are baffling and scary beings that I find myself unwilling to associate with. And when there are those that I do associate with like friends and family; my perception is woeful and I feel there's only so much I can do and provide. Now not all people are scary and I know this because I am friends with some wonderful people, and there's of course family which has some charm and positives despite a few woes here and there. Unfortunately, these friends and family weren't the people I unfortunately learnt from.
Before I go on; I will state that I am not implying that my experiences and growing-up is worse then others because I'm certain that it is not and there are countless legitimate examples to prove this. That said it has legitimately stifled me and has an overbearingly negative and pessimistic effect with me and people that I come across and associate with.
I have been of the opinion that I am a lone wolf to a degree (and not the fictional heroic type) who exists in a black sheep's clothing, due to the experiences I have had. Over the course of my childhood I have been bullied, taunted, humiliated, shouted at, attacked, placed in unwinnable situations, treated as a disgrace to others by associates in school and by family members when I did things that were meant for good reasons but ultimately alienated and led to fury (like telling my parents and providing evidence that my oldest brother and sister were on the brink of losing their house in Maidstone, Kent due to their actions). There was an incident where my carelessness and naïve-ness led to older students kicking the woodchip and soil playground flooring at me after they torqued my left leg to a degree that it tore one (1) of the hamstring tendon in the thigh. Of course I am no saint and certainly I did stupid things that warrant a telling-off and so on.
So you might be thinking: "So what, everyone encounters trouble growing up, its not a big deal". This is alas true and I am certainly not going to imply that I am a victim of those circumstances that make me the lone wolf in black sheep's clothing with PRR because countless other people have had a worse up-bringing then I. But when your scoffing down more KITKAT and other chocolate bars then the amount of information the Archbishop of Canterbury can get out of the bible as a means of comfort and begin to perceive everyone as a threat, that's when you know there's a problem. And yet this is the thing, I didn't know that there was a problem with what I was doing, not until a few years ago when I'm told by my Mother that I have aspergers and that doctors expected me by the age of eight-teen (18) (thereabouts) to have the mental capacity as a four (4) year old.
Alas, because I sought comfort food, solitude and couldn't trust anyone except teachers (preferably female teachers I admit because I could associate their attention to that of my Mother's, which made me feel safe); I did rotten things at the early stages of secondary school. After leaving our home near Southborough, Kent for Weymouth and Hugh Christie Technology College, I was thrust into year nine (9) at Wey Valley School (2001-2006) when I was thoroughly self-assured that I would not get along with any of the students and I didn't want anything to do with other people because the negativity, pessimism, self-loathing, bullying and harrowing experiences had led me to the belief that I was a lone wolf in a black sheep's clothing and that I could lead others (unintentionally I assure) down to the 'Spiral of Decline'. And because there were the Bart Simpsons, Lauren Coopers (from the Catherine Tate Show), short tempered American Pit Bull Terriers in the form of students, and others that wouldn't leave me alone; I was in Hell everyday. To make things worse, those rotten things I hinted earlier made me a real problem for others to tolerate because I was trying to distance myself from them by burping directly at them and shying away from interactions and group based activities. In one instance I hit a female student because she was physically groping me in front of her friends and countless other students and staff for amusement because I was 'difficult' and 'different' and unfortunately caught her attention because I was easy to pick on.
What I have just admitted to are truly horrible things I know and honestly I have tried numerous times to apologise and try to put things right. And although the teaching staff could sympathise with me for taking the actions I took given the circumstances, there is NO EXCUSE for being hurtful to others, which is why I subsequently stopped being deliberately intolerable when pushed around, and tried my best to weather this dreaded storm.
With that said however; at the time I was completely convinced that I was hazardous to everyone and the majority of people were hazardous to me. I just wanted to be a ghost, while in my briefcase (because I freakin' carried one and still have it to this day) I wished and wished that there was a button that I could press to reveal a concealed silenced pistol for my defence and to dispose of the people that were too much for me to tolerate with (this is at the point of time when I despised a lot of people and conjured the 'Racialist' facet in SJBMCPRS). I didn't want people around me or friends because I would be toxic to them and they wouldn't want me to drag them down the 'Spiral of Decline'. Due to this attitude and believing that I wasn't 'designed to have friends', I was (and am to this day) mostly oblivious and naïve to the concept of friendship or any form of relationship.
So you have to believe me when I say that when someone or a couple of people refer to me as a 'friend'; I am truly opposed to the concept and feel like I have been placed in unknown territory. Honestly all I wanted is to provide a use in life as uneventfully and as unknown to as many people as possible and then die. My development in younger life had resulted into a hydra of a human being with numerous facets and a mentality and approach of that of a lone wolf in a black sheep's clothing who could disrupt and endanger one's life. Given what I have said up 'til now, who would disagree? I believe it would be better for everyone if I was gone, gone, gone forever!
...............That notion has barely changed even today..................................................
And yet I must digress and verify 'loosely' that for whatever reason people saw me as a 'friend' and I have tried my best to fulfil that portrayal of a friend. I use the term 'loosely' because the harrowing experiences and the perception of the majority of people being baffling and scary far, far, far outweigh the positives that occurred whilst growing up and trying to get about in life.
Of course things happen and people can alternate, like I began to do when I was in employment (2010-2013). Gone were the masses of people you'd expect in schools and public places; the work environments in the Weymouth and Portland Borough Council and the Asda café in Weymouth were still influenced by people, but not to an unbearable level. Plus I could no longer feel more comfortable with the more senior people at work like I could with the teachers at school because this was the real world now and the younger (and generally more inexperienced) employees outnumbered the senior and I was expected to be hard at work like everyone else (and there is that thing called harassment and I knew I couldn't be as dependant as it would be considered harassment which is very bad!). So I had to adapt and try to get along with people at the same age group as me.
...Which went along okay, except when I tried to tap into the concept of friendship!! Being of the mind-set I was (and still am) and having no godly idea what being a friend meant; I failed and failed and got to the point where I believe that the people I tried to be friends with want me deader than Osama Bin Laden and politics put together! This was due to my 'overbearing' and 'pestering' behaviour when really I was just trying my best to help out (although trying too hard might in hindsight been the cause) despite not knowing or picking up on the things I was doing.
...Then we come to the biggest casualty I have committed unintentionally, but through my actions I caused. While I was working in the later part of 2012, I was finally beginning to take on-board the parameters of being a clueless person with aspergers and believing that I CAN'T be friends with anyone (as a co-worker in a café and as a team member yes, but outside of work, no). Experiences weighed heavily upon me (as they do to this day) and given the stressed and inappropriate working environment that was the Asda café in Weymouth; I figured this is what I deserve for being a terrible person, and this will be my life from now on until the day I die where people all over the world will rejoice knowing that the World's nemesis is dead. And for the most part that was how it was, apart from a friendship I had with another person which started out harmlessly enough, but then due to my actions led to disaster and a never-ending scorching pain that I carry like a permanent tear to the heart.
What made me like this person and convinced me that we were friends? She talked to me. That's it really, but it was when we talked that I felt a connection as it were because the experiences she had were resonating and I could understand what the significance of those experiences. (FYI, I won't mention her name or any names for that matter). So we became friends and I set about trying to "enrich her life for the better" (and I even said this to her because doing good was the best kind of satisfaction for me and I wanted her life to improve).
Sounds familiar doesn't it?
We rarely met outside of work and that was fine because deep down I was scared because I had no idea of what a friend should and shouldn't do, this was new to me and I didn't want to run full speed ahead into something I don't even know. But what happens when you get to know a person that you like? You start mentally running around like a headless chicken because you care about that person and their wellbeing. It didn't help that my friend's living conditions were poor, suffered from depression and at times had thought about suicide.
Seriously; when you know that someone you know has this degree of darkness, cannot find the help they need, and have yourself had experienced or attempted suicide (in my case witnessing my younger brother attempt to kill himself by smothering himself with pillows), it really terrifies me because I can understand the notion and cannot switch off the morbid part of my mentality (i.e. the 'Jes' facet of SJBMCPRS).
In an attempt to bring a little sunshine to the darker moments of my friend's life, I offered to buy her an Xbox 360 with absolutely no strings attached so that she could kill time in a fun manner when otherwise she would be bored and at times miserably depressed. For those reading this; you must understand that I attempted this because I purely wanted to do something that would improve the outlook of my friend's at times bleak life, it wasn't because I had platonic/romantic feelings or anything like that. And yet somehow it came across to my friend that I was doing this because I love her (which wasn't the case and I knew she was in a relationship), but because my idiocy and lack of understanding on the concept of friendship, I didn't know where the line between friend and love interest was, and I didn't care about the Xbox 360 costing me over £200.
Ring any bells yet?
Bottom line; I didn't get my friend an Xbox 360 and we continued as friends while I had somewhat a degree of knowledge of the dos and don'ts in friendships. Instead I would provide music CDs of bands including Paramore and Oasis, along with songs that she told me she liked and would like me to put onto CD for her (the same can be said nowadays because I would offer my company or assist any of my friends who ask me, or tell me about something like providing board games and activity ideas). When Christmas approached we decided to do a 'not so secret, secret Santa' between us which led me to get her an LG Optimus L3 smartphone costing me £59 (thereabouts) because she needed a new phone because her current was faltering (and I provided a micro SD card filled with the music she likes including 'Candy' by Robbie Williams). What was my present you might ask? A wallet (which I never actually got), but that's okay because the feeling of helping my friend out and going my way out to do this for her meant more then the gold in the Fort Knox US Bullion Depository.
But as time went on, obsession on my behalf and the compulsive and paranoid mentality included meant that I became unintentionally overbearing because I would worry if I haven't heard or seen her for a few days. Sounds like I was controlling and perhaps I was but I was time after time worried because I knew of her situation given what she had told me previously. When I learned that the mobile phone I got her was pawned in Cash Generator for money (because she was unemployed at the time), I switched to letters so we could continue communicating with one another (because we didn't see each other that often outside of work and I was still working in the Asda café). But because of my negative and pessimistic nature, I continued to worry and alas, in turn overwhelm her with what I was saying in my letters and doing in an attempt to see her again (which was perceived by several to be stalking). The disastrous end came in the form of a quick letter stating "We can no longer be friends, what you are doing is really scaring me, I can take care of myself and don't need your help, goodbye" (or along those lines, I don't have the letter on me anymore, though I still have the letters that I wrote/typed).
Needless to say I blamed myself and only myself for this demise, and I still do to this day. As wary I was that my actions could be misinterpreted or perceived as stalking, 'bad' and so on, I took the risk because friendship meant that much to me. However because the friendship was a failure, I could never realise that level of happiness and satisfaction again without the unforgiving breeze of disdain rushing past me, reminding me of the wrong I have committed.
To go into a group of young people was (and is still to this day) unnerving and frightening because the despair I feel strengthened and I didn't (and don't) want to infect the participants of the group with my despair and lead them to the 'Spiral of Decline' like I inadvertently did with my previous friend. And yet here I am with friends that to a degree can understand me and still invite me to activities when some or all of us get together. And although that unforgiving breeze of disdain still passes through me; I continue to try to be the friend the group see me as.
But now I find myself obscured by the PRR or warped wall because despite the time I have spent with my friends and tried to explain myself, I find myself in the same loop that has led to disaster before, and I am making mistakes which burden me with despair and regret heavier than any anchor (and not the butter variety). I have absolutely no idea what I can do to overcome my PRR and I can't continue doing what I've been doing because its begun to alienate those around me and may end up causing disaster that I fear is dawning no matter what my intentions are. I can't ask myself what I should and shouldn't be doing with the relationships I have because I have never been so far into the deep unknown which I feel I am in and I feel overwhelmingly scared that I can't ask for help because I'm worried they can't help and that this loop I am in will once again reach its conclusion and spell disaster. The loom bands on my right hand are symbolic to the trust I feel from friends, I don't want them to become the remnants of something beautiful and wonderful that has sunken like the Titanic.
I want to stop history from repeating itself because the friends I have now are truly wonderful people and they provide me the opportunities I require to help me break this compulsive behaviour of self-destruction and hurting others or opting to wander into nothingness instead. I am putting my hands up admitting I have a problem (I have many I admit, but this matter is really important) and I require help, tolerance and patience from my friends. I don't want to be the lone wolf in black sheep's clothing any longer, I want to enrich the lives of my friends for the better without the drawbacks or cons and I don't want to go along a path with disaster looming at the end. If I cannot maintain my relationships with my friends, then there's absolutely no hope for me at all in the future, because enriching people's lives for the better through whatever means is an ambition of mine but if I can't overcome the warped wall, I can't proceed onto the next stage of life or fulfil that ambition that provides the satisfaction I crave and need to say to myself "no, I am not going to be my usual self because I have made someone's day and it feels great".
If I can become a better friend and sustain healthier relationships where I am less scared of stepping further away from my reclusive safety net, then its possible I can someday establish (a) permanent relationship(s) for the future (whether they be with more friends or with someone I get closer to if you catch my drift (not that I am looking for that at this moment of time!), and in turn have the confidence and ability to re-establish meaning in the relationships I have with family members.
Okay, I've put my hands up admitting my flaw; and I hope there is a means of salvation. In doing this particular post; I have peeled away at the deeper layers of my mentality (as in like peeling away the layers of an onion) and been honest about things I am ashamed of and struggle with. For all that read this post, I hope this has made sense (because I do have the habit of coming up with BS like making a Great Wall of China equivalent out of banana peels so that I can bounce into space and land on Mars so I can plant a garden). Usually I would say by now "don't take any of this too seriously", but this time around I am fully serious in the contents of this post and I hope it can be beneficial in understanding the f***ing messed up conundrum that is me.
Until next time, see ya!
There's something I'm afraid to say I am very good at, and this is being not truthful and not as open-minded as I ought to be. Contrary to appearances and what I say; I am a clueless and scared mixed-up person with a perspective that would knock out Mike Tyson for the fifty (50) count if there was such a thing. I am an in-perfect person (and quite frankly who isn't?), and therefore I can't be the best I can in reality which means there will be alas instances where I cause more problems then solutions. And while I accept this about myself and strive to improve; there is a significant obstacle or a warped wall (for those who know that it is an obstacle in the Ninja Warrior/Sasuke program) that for some time has been an unconquerable mental obstacle which has led to a couple of problems.
I call this the Phantom Relationship Roadblock or 'PRR' for short (this is not a facet of SJBMCPRS, though it does part imply the compulsive loop and paranoia to a degree which are facets), and it illustrates to me my problematic approach to relationships (i.e. the friendships I have). I am a twenty-five (25), nearing twenty-six (26) year old hydra of a human being, and yet I have a limited knowledge and experience regarding relationships, and most of it stems from unfortunately bleak situations. Because of this I am on the brink of that PRR or warped wall or a dead end/broken road in Silent Hill, and I find myself in a loop that has no real direction and has led to disaster in the past.
I am not a people person. People are baffling and scary beings that I find myself unwilling to associate with. And when there are those that I do associate with like friends and family; my perception is woeful and I feel there's only so much I can do and provide. Now not all people are scary and I know this because I am friends with some wonderful people, and there's of course family which has some charm and positives despite a few woes here and there. Unfortunately, these friends and family weren't the people I unfortunately learnt from.
Before I go on; I will state that I am not implying that my experiences and growing-up is worse then others because I'm certain that it is not and there are countless legitimate examples to prove this. That said it has legitimately stifled me and has an overbearingly negative and pessimistic effect with me and people that I come across and associate with.
I have been of the opinion that I am a lone wolf to a degree (and not the fictional heroic type) who exists in a black sheep's clothing, due to the experiences I have had. Over the course of my childhood I have been bullied, taunted, humiliated, shouted at, attacked, placed in unwinnable situations, treated as a disgrace to others by associates in school and by family members when I did things that were meant for good reasons but ultimately alienated and led to fury (like telling my parents and providing evidence that my oldest brother and sister were on the brink of losing their house in Maidstone, Kent due to their actions). There was an incident where my carelessness and naïve-ness led to older students kicking the woodchip and soil playground flooring at me after they torqued my left leg to a degree that it tore one (1) of the hamstring tendon in the thigh. Of course I am no saint and certainly I did stupid things that warrant a telling-off and so on.
So you might be thinking: "So what, everyone encounters trouble growing up, its not a big deal". This is alas true and I am certainly not going to imply that I am a victim of those circumstances that make me the lone wolf in black sheep's clothing with PRR because countless other people have had a worse up-bringing then I. But when your scoffing down more KITKAT and other chocolate bars then the amount of information the Archbishop of Canterbury can get out of the bible as a means of comfort and begin to perceive everyone as a threat, that's when you know there's a problem. And yet this is the thing, I didn't know that there was a problem with what I was doing, not until a few years ago when I'm told by my Mother that I have aspergers and that doctors expected me by the age of eight-teen (18) (thereabouts) to have the mental capacity as a four (4) year old.
Alas, because I sought comfort food, solitude and couldn't trust anyone except teachers (preferably female teachers I admit because I could associate their attention to that of my Mother's, which made me feel safe); I did rotten things at the early stages of secondary school. After leaving our home near Southborough, Kent for Weymouth and Hugh Christie Technology College, I was thrust into year nine (9) at Wey Valley School (2001-2006) when I was thoroughly self-assured that I would not get along with any of the students and I didn't want anything to do with other people because the negativity, pessimism, self-loathing, bullying and harrowing experiences had led me to the belief that I was a lone wolf in a black sheep's clothing and that I could lead others (unintentionally I assure) down to the 'Spiral of Decline'. And because there were the Bart Simpsons, Lauren Coopers (from the Catherine Tate Show), short tempered American Pit Bull Terriers in the form of students, and others that wouldn't leave me alone; I was in Hell everyday. To make things worse, those rotten things I hinted earlier made me a real problem for others to tolerate because I was trying to distance myself from them by burping directly at them and shying away from interactions and group based activities. In one instance I hit a female student because she was physically groping me in front of her friends and countless other students and staff for amusement because I was 'difficult' and 'different' and unfortunately caught her attention because I was easy to pick on.
What I have just admitted to are truly horrible things I know and honestly I have tried numerous times to apologise and try to put things right. And although the teaching staff could sympathise with me for taking the actions I took given the circumstances, there is NO EXCUSE for being hurtful to others, which is why I subsequently stopped being deliberately intolerable when pushed around, and tried my best to weather this dreaded storm.
With that said however; at the time I was completely convinced that I was hazardous to everyone and the majority of people were hazardous to me. I just wanted to be a ghost, while in my briefcase (because I freakin' carried one and still have it to this day) I wished and wished that there was a button that I could press to reveal a concealed silenced pistol for my defence and to dispose of the people that were too much for me to tolerate with (this is at the point of time when I despised a lot of people and conjured the 'Racialist' facet in SJBMCPRS). I didn't want people around me or friends because I would be toxic to them and they wouldn't want me to drag them down the 'Spiral of Decline'. Due to this attitude and believing that I wasn't 'designed to have friends', I was (and am to this day) mostly oblivious and naïve to the concept of friendship or any form of relationship.
So you have to believe me when I say that when someone or a couple of people refer to me as a 'friend'; I am truly opposed to the concept and feel like I have been placed in unknown territory. Honestly all I wanted is to provide a use in life as uneventfully and as unknown to as many people as possible and then die. My development in younger life had resulted into a hydra of a human being with numerous facets and a mentality and approach of that of a lone wolf in a black sheep's clothing who could disrupt and endanger one's life. Given what I have said up 'til now, who would disagree? I believe it would be better for everyone if I was gone, gone, gone forever!
...............That notion has barely changed even today..................................................
And yet I must digress and verify 'loosely' that for whatever reason people saw me as a 'friend' and I have tried my best to fulfil that portrayal of a friend. I use the term 'loosely' because the harrowing experiences and the perception of the majority of people being baffling and scary far, far, far outweigh the positives that occurred whilst growing up and trying to get about in life.
Of course things happen and people can alternate, like I began to do when I was in employment (2010-2013). Gone were the masses of people you'd expect in schools and public places; the work environments in the Weymouth and Portland Borough Council and the Asda café in Weymouth were still influenced by people, but not to an unbearable level. Plus I could no longer feel more comfortable with the more senior people at work like I could with the teachers at school because this was the real world now and the younger (and generally more inexperienced) employees outnumbered the senior and I was expected to be hard at work like everyone else (and there is that thing called harassment and I knew I couldn't be as dependant as it would be considered harassment which is very bad!). So I had to adapt and try to get along with people at the same age group as me.
...Which went along okay, except when I tried to tap into the concept of friendship!! Being of the mind-set I was (and still am) and having no godly idea what being a friend meant; I failed and failed and got to the point where I believe that the people I tried to be friends with want me deader than Osama Bin Laden and politics put together! This was due to my 'overbearing' and 'pestering' behaviour when really I was just trying my best to help out (although trying too hard might in hindsight been the cause) despite not knowing or picking up on the things I was doing.
...Then we come to the biggest casualty I have committed unintentionally, but through my actions I caused. While I was working in the later part of 2012, I was finally beginning to take on-board the parameters of being a clueless person with aspergers and believing that I CAN'T be friends with anyone (as a co-worker in a café and as a team member yes, but outside of work, no). Experiences weighed heavily upon me (as they do to this day) and given the stressed and inappropriate working environment that was the Asda café in Weymouth; I figured this is what I deserve for being a terrible person, and this will be my life from now on until the day I die where people all over the world will rejoice knowing that the World's nemesis is dead. And for the most part that was how it was, apart from a friendship I had with another person which started out harmlessly enough, but then due to my actions led to disaster and a never-ending scorching pain that I carry like a permanent tear to the heart.
What made me like this person and convinced me that we were friends? She talked to me. That's it really, but it was when we talked that I felt a connection as it were because the experiences she had were resonating and I could understand what the significance of those experiences. (FYI, I won't mention her name or any names for that matter). So we became friends and I set about trying to "enrich her life for the better" (and I even said this to her because doing good was the best kind of satisfaction for me and I wanted her life to improve).
Sounds familiar doesn't it?
We rarely met outside of work and that was fine because deep down I was scared because I had no idea of what a friend should and shouldn't do, this was new to me and I didn't want to run full speed ahead into something I don't even know. But what happens when you get to know a person that you like? You start mentally running around like a headless chicken because you care about that person and their wellbeing. It didn't help that my friend's living conditions were poor, suffered from depression and at times had thought about suicide.
Seriously; when you know that someone you know has this degree of darkness, cannot find the help they need, and have yourself had experienced or attempted suicide (in my case witnessing my younger brother attempt to kill himself by smothering himself with pillows), it really terrifies me because I can understand the notion and cannot switch off the morbid part of my mentality (i.e. the 'Jes' facet of SJBMCPRS).
In an attempt to bring a little sunshine to the darker moments of my friend's life, I offered to buy her an Xbox 360 with absolutely no strings attached so that she could kill time in a fun manner when otherwise she would be bored and at times miserably depressed. For those reading this; you must understand that I attempted this because I purely wanted to do something that would improve the outlook of my friend's at times bleak life, it wasn't because I had platonic/romantic feelings or anything like that. And yet somehow it came across to my friend that I was doing this because I love her (which wasn't the case and I knew she was in a relationship), but because my idiocy and lack of understanding on the concept of friendship, I didn't know where the line between friend and love interest was, and I didn't care about the Xbox 360 costing me over £200.
Ring any bells yet?
Bottom line; I didn't get my friend an Xbox 360 and we continued as friends while I had somewhat a degree of knowledge of the dos and don'ts in friendships. Instead I would provide music CDs of bands including Paramore and Oasis, along with songs that she told me she liked and would like me to put onto CD for her (the same can be said nowadays because I would offer my company or assist any of my friends who ask me, or tell me about something like providing board games and activity ideas). When Christmas approached we decided to do a 'not so secret, secret Santa' between us which led me to get her an LG Optimus L3 smartphone costing me £59 (thereabouts) because she needed a new phone because her current was faltering (and I provided a micro SD card filled with the music she likes including 'Candy' by Robbie Williams). What was my present you might ask? A wallet (which I never actually got), but that's okay because the feeling of helping my friend out and going my way out to do this for her meant more then the gold in the Fort Knox US Bullion Depository.
But as time went on, obsession on my behalf and the compulsive and paranoid mentality included meant that I became unintentionally overbearing because I would worry if I haven't heard or seen her for a few days. Sounds like I was controlling and perhaps I was but I was time after time worried because I knew of her situation given what she had told me previously. When I learned that the mobile phone I got her was pawned in Cash Generator for money (because she was unemployed at the time), I switched to letters so we could continue communicating with one another (because we didn't see each other that often outside of work and I was still working in the Asda café). But because of my negative and pessimistic nature, I continued to worry and alas, in turn overwhelm her with what I was saying in my letters and doing in an attempt to see her again (which was perceived by several to be stalking). The disastrous end came in the form of a quick letter stating "We can no longer be friends, what you are doing is really scaring me, I can take care of myself and don't need your help, goodbye" (or along those lines, I don't have the letter on me anymore, though I still have the letters that I wrote/typed).
Needless to say I blamed myself and only myself for this demise, and I still do to this day. As wary I was that my actions could be misinterpreted or perceived as stalking, 'bad' and so on, I took the risk because friendship meant that much to me. However because the friendship was a failure, I could never realise that level of happiness and satisfaction again without the unforgiving breeze of disdain rushing past me, reminding me of the wrong I have committed.
To go into a group of young people was (and is still to this day) unnerving and frightening because the despair I feel strengthened and I didn't (and don't) want to infect the participants of the group with my despair and lead them to the 'Spiral of Decline' like I inadvertently did with my previous friend. And yet here I am with friends that to a degree can understand me and still invite me to activities when some or all of us get together. And although that unforgiving breeze of disdain still passes through me; I continue to try to be the friend the group see me as.
But now I find myself obscured by the PRR or warped wall because despite the time I have spent with my friends and tried to explain myself, I find myself in the same loop that has led to disaster before, and I am making mistakes which burden me with despair and regret heavier than any anchor (and not the butter variety). I have absolutely no idea what I can do to overcome my PRR and I can't continue doing what I've been doing because its begun to alienate those around me and may end up causing disaster that I fear is dawning no matter what my intentions are. I can't ask myself what I should and shouldn't be doing with the relationships I have because I have never been so far into the deep unknown which I feel I am in and I feel overwhelmingly scared that I can't ask for help because I'm worried they can't help and that this loop I am in will once again reach its conclusion and spell disaster. The loom bands on my right hand are symbolic to the trust I feel from friends, I don't want them to become the remnants of something beautiful and wonderful that has sunken like the Titanic.
I want to stop history from repeating itself because the friends I have now are truly wonderful people and they provide me the opportunities I require to help me break this compulsive behaviour of self-destruction and hurting others or opting to wander into nothingness instead. I am putting my hands up admitting I have a problem (I have many I admit, but this matter is really important) and I require help, tolerance and patience from my friends. I don't want to be the lone wolf in black sheep's clothing any longer, I want to enrich the lives of my friends for the better without the drawbacks or cons and I don't want to go along a path with disaster looming at the end. If I cannot maintain my relationships with my friends, then there's absolutely no hope for me at all in the future, because enriching people's lives for the better through whatever means is an ambition of mine but if I can't overcome the warped wall, I can't proceed onto the next stage of life or fulfil that ambition that provides the satisfaction I crave and need to say to myself "no, I am not going to be my usual self because I have made someone's day and it feels great".
If I can become a better friend and sustain healthier relationships where I am less scared of stepping further away from my reclusive safety net, then its possible I can someday establish (a) permanent relationship(s) for the future (whether they be with more friends or with someone I get closer to if you catch my drift (not that I am looking for that at this moment of time!), and in turn have the confidence and ability to re-establish meaning in the relationships I have with family members.
Okay, I've put my hands up admitting my flaw; and I hope there is a means of salvation. In doing this particular post; I have peeled away at the deeper layers of my mentality (as in like peeling away the layers of an onion) and been honest about things I am ashamed of and struggle with. For all that read this post, I hope this has made sense (because I do have the habit of coming up with BS like making a Great Wall of China equivalent out of banana peels so that I can bounce into space and land on Mars so I can plant a garden). Usually I would say by now "don't take any of this too seriously", but this time around I am fully serious in the contents of this post and I hope it can be beneficial in understanding the f***ing messed up conundrum that is me.
Until next time, see ya!
Wednesday, 6 May 2015
Shinozaki on the perilous artery to ambition - SJBMCPRS Diagnosis
Something occurred to me on the 5th May, 2015; while I was in a meeting discussing employment and CV writing. In a matter of seconds; lightning had just struck my brain and I realised what I have been doing since the later stage of secondary school (other than being negative and fearful (which has been a constant as long as I can recall)). It wasn't an epiphany, no it felt more like a spontaneous response while the meeting was unfolding, and yet it provided clarity on one (1) of my ambitions.
I enjoy writing, and the ambition that encourages me to write and type the material (nonsense filled with tank size BS) like the posts on the SJBMCPRS Report (hey, self advertising!) and fictional stories is to have my efforts develop into something that could be of 'good' use to others. As dumb as this may sound; the SJBMCPRS Report is a means for my (intolerable, inhumane and ludicrous) imagination to translate into words which becomes available for theoretically everyone, which means this ambition is being fulfilled to a degree (though whether people do or can make actual 'good' use of my efforts is debatable).
On a subconscious level; I am aware that I am utilising my free will to express myself as a 'different' individual (because the perception is that because of my 'mental alignment' I am different from the 'ordinary') among the millions of apparently 'normal' people, which may or may not influence or be perceived of a perception of those who are regarded 'different' from what is considered the 'norm'. Why do I think this? Because mental health experts and friends have implied this and apparently I must try to accept the compliments (even though I find that overwhelmingly difficult in the same way a G-Wiz can't directly pass straight through an M41 Walker Bulldog tank in one piece).
Having an ambition or goal if you prefer (but not the kind where millions of people go hyperactive ape s*** over), is a destination or a result that people want to traverse to, a pilgrimage in other words. Whether people who set themselves an objective or goal in life fulfil their ambition or not; it is 'assumed' that everyone has a goal in life. People (myself included) have ambitions (you can have more than one (1)) and strive to accomplice that ambition whether its something that could be insignificantly minor to other people such as making yourself a meal, or a step towards accomplishing a bigger goal. Probably the best example I could give that defines human ambitions big and small without actually going up to someone and asking, is to look up a gameplay video of The Sims 3 which shows a Sims' ambitions and ultimate goal.
Hold on a minute though; how can someone as pessimistic and miserable like myself have ambition? Why have ambition when you feel with almost complete certainty that it will lead to failure? Without question the previous sentence summarises how most of the time I feel, and along with all the pessimism, my experiences convinces me that I shouldn't aspire to anything because it won't work out favourably. It goes without saying that the notion of genuine happiness is as rare as a rocking horse's s***.
But this doesn't mean its non-existent! Its just among all the melancholy, sociopathic-ness, lack of confidence, reluctance, anxiety and fear, people would be forgiven in thinking that for me to be pursuing my ambitions and having a genuine smile on my face is a sign of the apocalypse. Maybe its because I have a blackened perspective and sombre nature that I actually find it easy to know what my ambitions are and prepare myself as best I can for the challenges awaiting me along the perilous artery to my ambitions.
This is the "Shinozaki" facet and it serves as the final facet and letter of SJBMCPRS, as well as a sort of antithesis to "Strangersparky" and the other defined facets that portray the grim, negative, hideousness that is my mentality. By using the pessimism and the haunting experiences as a platform; Shinozaki builds upon the hardships to work towards something better like moving a step closer to accomplishing an ambition. Whereas the Strangersparky and Shinozaki facets are a lot alike in regards to having to be social and appearing to "fit in" with the surroundings; Shinozaki looks to make the most of a bad situation and try to learn from the 'bad' and utilise those lessons to better prepare for the next time as well as evade the same pitfalls, whereas Strangersparky will try but ultimately feel more content in wandering into nothingness. In other words; the Shinozaki facet is the part of my mentality that acknowledges the failures and despair but still aspires to ambition across the unknown and perilous road called life. The starting line and finishing line is known to Shinozaki, and though the path between those lines isn't obvious, the hope and desire to overcome and knowing to a degree what it will take to ascend to that goal wills Shinozaki on regardless if the goal is fulfilled or not.
Perhaps the best example I can provide that explains how the Shinozaki facet comes into play in my life is to gloss over the time I have spent with my friends since initially starting in February 2015. From the very start I was extremely apprehensive about joining because I was once again going into uncharted water by going into a group of young people of whom I didn't know, they didn't know me, and were only identifiable because each have history with mental health (I apologise in case you read this and this 'label' does not stick well with you). The "Racialist" facet contributed to my anxiety and apprehension because I unfairly had the prejudiced perception that due to their conditions (that I did not know of at the time) which could mean they were not able to communicate or maneuverer efficiently , I wouldn't be able to tolerate (which is really unfair for them and shameful to admit but alas that's part of my mentality. Again my apologies). I didn't want my despair and proneness to put myself down to affect the young people in the group because I am still of the opinion that I can lead people to the spiral of decline (inadvertent or not). And to cap it off; my previous and failed friendship had left my confidence, and faith in my abilities badly burned, and I was especially apprehensive because I didn't want to hurt anyone else the same way I inadvertently did with my previous friend through my actions that meant the best intentions as a caring friend but came across as overbearing and pestering. I mention this with a fractured heart and with tremendous animosity towards myself because it was ultimately my poor decisions and actions that lead to demise and confirmed my belief that I ought to wander alone into nothingness because I deserve the unmerciful self-loathing agony, while at the same time preventing the same unintended (mental) fear or worse to anyone else.
While its now early May 2015, and I am still in the group and friends with everyone in the group (I hope); the apprehension, reluctance and fear I feel is the same, and it has only grown with time because I am a part of the group and my friends see me as a friend; meaning the scariness and pressure not to muck it up is needle-piercingly uncomfortable. I am constantly in fear that my words, decisions and actions no matter how well intended, can scare or irritate my friends; regardless of what the reality of the given situation is (and just so everyone knows, that's unlikely to change). Bearing in mind that my friends have had various degrees of mental health challenges and have gone through painful experiences; sometimes I really wish I could be non-existent so that I cannot make things worse. Try as I will and might to do what I feel is sincere and for the better enrichment of my friends; nothing is going to shake off the sadness I feel inside, my awkwardness, stupidity, doubt and moments of overbearingness because I do mean sincerity and I do care when I offer my help, advice and company. The 'bad' that I feel and experience (which is entirely of my own doing, and not any of my friends' doing) will stick to me like steel super-glued and riveted to my ribcage.
And yet at the same time; having friends and being a friend and someone I hope they can trust means an immeasurable lot to me. I now have opportunities that otherwise wouldn't be available to me like going to the cinema to watch a film with friends, going out for a walk, going to the amusements, bowling, playing (crazy/adventure), golf, eating out, talking, having drinks (and plenty of tea), and so on. And despite my negativity and mistakes; I feel fulfilled because I am of (some) use to my friends which in turn means I am fulfilling an ambition of mine that is to enrich my friends' lives for the better whether it be by providing company, supplies like fizzy drinks and biscuits or supplying the change needed for a go at the amusements. The Shinozaki facet drives me to be the best friend I can be to my friends and to those I care about (such as family). In other words when I am going out with my friends or aiding my family; what they're getting is the better side of me being driven by the Shinozaki facet of SJBMCPRS. As time goes on, and hoping that I can prevent myself from ruining the relationships I have with friends and family; I will gradually continue to aspire to good intended ambitions and a more fulfilling future.
So that's what the second (2nd) 'S' in SJBMCPRS is: Shinozaki; but one might question what is the significance of the name Shinozaki. If you're reading this, you might wonder why the last letter in SJBMCPRS isn't 'A' for ambition, which is what this post has been about. And the name 'Shinozaki', "isn't that Japanese? What the cheese-eating surrender monkeys that are the French, has something Japanese orientated have to do with any of this?!" Well now this is where it gets a little challenging for me to explain and clarify to readers because I in fact get the facet 'Shinozaki' from a fictional character that I didn't make up.
If you reading this is thinking of gushing out the words "What the f***!", please hold off until I have explained. I get the facet 'Shinozaki' from the fictional character Ayumi Shinozaki from the Corpse Party series. You can learn about the character by using the link provided (this in turn also allow to view the Corpse Party Wiki and learn more about the series if you wish to). http://corpseparty.wikia.com/wiki/Ayumi_Shinozaki
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Okay now you can utter your complete disbelief if you wish to.........
If this does not make any sense whatsoever then allow me to explain; you see in order to see where the inspiration from the fictional character comes from, you must understand my perception provided. (THIS PART WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!!) Ayumi Shinozaki is a flawed, insecure and frightened, but brave student and serves as the class representative for class in Kisaragi Academy. One (1) night she and her classroom friends decide to stay late after school and prepare to wish their friend Mayu Suzumoto farewell and the best of luck as she will be moving away and this was her last day in Kisaragi Academy. Before everyone leaves however; Shinozaki prompts an idea of performing a charm 'Sachiko Ever After', which is believed to make everyone who performs the charms friends forever. Everyone in the classroom agrees and performs the charm; only for the charm to lead to unforeseeable tragedy as everyone in the classroom ends up in Heavenly Host Elementary School, a school that was knocked down many years beforehand following terrible murders but still exists as a nexus. Though overwhelmed and traumatised; Shinozaki doesn't give up in finding the rest of her friends with Yoshiki by her side in the dreaded Heavenly Host. Along the way Shinozaki discovers that the charm which she got from the internet was deliberately altered to bring people into Heavenly Host, as well as the truth about the grotesque murders that transpired after appeasing the victims of the said murders. Having reunited with Satoshi, Yuka and Naomi; Shinozaki and Yoshiki set about appeasing Sachiko Shinozaki and escaping with their remaining friends after having lost several of their friends and their teacher to the malicious school. Inevitably the surviving students return to Kisaragi Academy after successfully escaping and surviving the horrors of Heavenly Host Elementary School. But the cost of performing the charm without knowing that it was rigged to fail beforehand was very dear as some of their friends and their teacher had died and their existence's were wiped away from the face of the Earth as if they didn't exist in the first place. (but only the survivors know that they did exist). Haunted and driven to bring her fallen friends back to life; Shinozaki would later on go to intense and perilous lengths in the hope of reviving her fallen friends and putting an end to her cursed family bloodline since Sachiko is in fact a relative to Ayumi.
.........................................................................................................................................
...................................................Okay so the point that I'm getting at is that despite Ayumi Shinozaki's insecurities, trauma, frailty, fear and possible fate; Shinozaki is prepared to go through the Hell in Heavenly Host Elementary School after initially escaping in Chapter four (4) with Yoshiki, and later risk her life in trying to revive her fallen friends numerous times (as does her surviving friends but not to the same extent). To me that suggests that Shinozaki is determined to the point of maddening obsession and possible sacrifice to traverse through the perils that await her in the hope of undoing the tragedies that transpired. A quote from Shinozaki in Chapter two (2) illustrates her determination and 'hopeless' ambition significantly: "Even if it DID open, I'd be staying right where I am! You think I'm just going to abandon Ms. Yui and all our friends, and run away?!"
While Ayumi Shinozaki is a fictional character (and my interpretation of the character may differ from others) and in no way can a fictional story of such be identical to that of reality; I can see relatable traits, and I am inspired all the same to strive for ambition despite many plaguing factors which some like being fearful and vulnerable are real emotions in real life. The determination to try despite the perils and difficulties is an admirable trait, and one (1) that I take on in real life in spite of my own insecurities, feelings and dread. While I am not aspiring to revive the dead or go back in time to prevent the disasters in my life from happening (because that's as unlikely as flying watermelons dropping bombs the size of double decker buses on the day that Pudsey Bear is arrested for sexual assaulting a baby kangaroo with tiger DNA with a cucumber from 1978!), I do aspire to accomplice my ambitions to the best of my ability. Those ambitions or goals are to write for the benefit of others, and to enrich the lives of the people I care about for the better. They may not be the most ambitious goals, but they are the passions that give me the greatest satisfaction and I hope I can continue to do what it is I love.
Well as this post draws to its conclusion and another facet of SJBMCPRS defined; I wonder what the ambitions of those who read this blog are, as well as what they think of my writing. I know its mostly BS and there are some spelling mistakes and issues with grammar, but on the whole I would welcome feedback if readers choose to leave any. REMEMBER: do not take the contents of this post or anything on this blog too seriously.
Until next time, see ya!
I enjoy writing, and the ambition that encourages me to write and type the material (nonsense filled with tank size BS) like the posts on the SJBMCPRS Report (hey, self advertising!) and fictional stories is to have my efforts develop into something that could be of 'good' use to others. As dumb as this may sound; the SJBMCPRS Report is a means for my (intolerable, inhumane and ludicrous) imagination to translate into words which becomes available for theoretically everyone, which means this ambition is being fulfilled to a degree (though whether people do or can make actual 'good' use of my efforts is debatable).
On a subconscious level; I am aware that I am utilising my free will to express myself as a 'different' individual (because the perception is that because of my 'mental alignment' I am different from the 'ordinary') among the millions of apparently 'normal' people, which may or may not influence or be perceived of a perception of those who are regarded 'different' from what is considered the 'norm'. Why do I think this? Because mental health experts and friends have implied this and apparently I must try to accept the compliments (even though I find that overwhelmingly difficult in the same way a G-Wiz can't directly pass straight through an M41 Walker Bulldog tank in one piece).
Having an ambition or goal if you prefer (but not the kind where millions of people go hyperactive ape s*** over), is a destination or a result that people want to traverse to, a pilgrimage in other words. Whether people who set themselves an objective or goal in life fulfil their ambition or not; it is 'assumed' that everyone has a goal in life. People (myself included) have ambitions (you can have more than one (1)) and strive to accomplice that ambition whether its something that could be insignificantly minor to other people such as making yourself a meal, or a step towards accomplishing a bigger goal. Probably the best example I could give that defines human ambitions big and small without actually going up to someone and asking, is to look up a gameplay video of The Sims 3 which shows a Sims' ambitions and ultimate goal.
Hold on a minute though; how can someone as pessimistic and miserable like myself have ambition? Why have ambition when you feel with almost complete certainty that it will lead to failure? Without question the previous sentence summarises how most of the time I feel, and along with all the pessimism, my experiences convinces me that I shouldn't aspire to anything because it won't work out favourably. It goes without saying that the notion of genuine happiness is as rare as a rocking horse's s***.
But this doesn't mean its non-existent! Its just among all the melancholy, sociopathic-ness, lack of confidence, reluctance, anxiety and fear, people would be forgiven in thinking that for me to be pursuing my ambitions and having a genuine smile on my face is a sign of the apocalypse. Maybe its because I have a blackened perspective and sombre nature that I actually find it easy to know what my ambitions are and prepare myself as best I can for the challenges awaiting me along the perilous artery to my ambitions.
This is the "Shinozaki" facet and it serves as the final facet and letter of SJBMCPRS, as well as a sort of antithesis to "Strangersparky" and the other defined facets that portray the grim, negative, hideousness that is my mentality. By using the pessimism and the haunting experiences as a platform; Shinozaki builds upon the hardships to work towards something better like moving a step closer to accomplishing an ambition. Whereas the Strangersparky and Shinozaki facets are a lot alike in regards to having to be social and appearing to "fit in" with the surroundings; Shinozaki looks to make the most of a bad situation and try to learn from the 'bad' and utilise those lessons to better prepare for the next time as well as evade the same pitfalls, whereas Strangersparky will try but ultimately feel more content in wandering into nothingness. In other words; the Shinozaki facet is the part of my mentality that acknowledges the failures and despair but still aspires to ambition across the unknown and perilous road called life. The starting line and finishing line is known to Shinozaki, and though the path between those lines isn't obvious, the hope and desire to overcome and knowing to a degree what it will take to ascend to that goal wills Shinozaki on regardless if the goal is fulfilled or not.
Perhaps the best example I can provide that explains how the Shinozaki facet comes into play in my life is to gloss over the time I have spent with my friends since initially starting in February 2015. From the very start I was extremely apprehensive about joining because I was once again going into uncharted water by going into a group of young people of whom I didn't know, they didn't know me, and were only identifiable because each have history with mental health (I apologise in case you read this and this 'label' does not stick well with you). The "Racialist" facet contributed to my anxiety and apprehension because I unfairly had the prejudiced perception that due to their conditions (that I did not know of at the time) which could mean they were not able to communicate or maneuverer efficiently , I wouldn't be able to tolerate (which is really unfair for them and shameful to admit but alas that's part of my mentality. Again my apologies). I didn't want my despair and proneness to put myself down to affect the young people in the group because I am still of the opinion that I can lead people to the spiral of decline (inadvertent or not). And to cap it off; my previous and failed friendship had left my confidence, and faith in my abilities badly burned, and I was especially apprehensive because I didn't want to hurt anyone else the same way I inadvertently did with my previous friend through my actions that meant the best intentions as a caring friend but came across as overbearing and pestering. I mention this with a fractured heart and with tremendous animosity towards myself because it was ultimately my poor decisions and actions that lead to demise and confirmed my belief that I ought to wander alone into nothingness because I deserve the unmerciful self-loathing agony, while at the same time preventing the same unintended (mental) fear or worse to anyone else.
While its now early May 2015, and I am still in the group and friends with everyone in the group (I hope); the apprehension, reluctance and fear I feel is the same, and it has only grown with time because I am a part of the group and my friends see me as a friend; meaning the scariness and pressure not to muck it up is needle-piercingly uncomfortable. I am constantly in fear that my words, decisions and actions no matter how well intended, can scare or irritate my friends; regardless of what the reality of the given situation is (and just so everyone knows, that's unlikely to change). Bearing in mind that my friends have had various degrees of mental health challenges and have gone through painful experiences; sometimes I really wish I could be non-existent so that I cannot make things worse. Try as I will and might to do what I feel is sincere and for the better enrichment of my friends; nothing is going to shake off the sadness I feel inside, my awkwardness, stupidity, doubt and moments of overbearingness because I do mean sincerity and I do care when I offer my help, advice and company. The 'bad' that I feel and experience (which is entirely of my own doing, and not any of my friends' doing) will stick to me like steel super-glued and riveted to my ribcage.
And yet at the same time; having friends and being a friend and someone I hope they can trust means an immeasurable lot to me. I now have opportunities that otherwise wouldn't be available to me like going to the cinema to watch a film with friends, going out for a walk, going to the amusements, bowling, playing (crazy/adventure), golf, eating out, talking, having drinks (and plenty of tea), and so on. And despite my negativity and mistakes; I feel fulfilled because I am of (some) use to my friends which in turn means I am fulfilling an ambition of mine that is to enrich my friends' lives for the better whether it be by providing company, supplies like fizzy drinks and biscuits or supplying the change needed for a go at the amusements. The Shinozaki facet drives me to be the best friend I can be to my friends and to those I care about (such as family). In other words when I am going out with my friends or aiding my family; what they're getting is the better side of me being driven by the Shinozaki facet of SJBMCPRS. As time goes on, and hoping that I can prevent myself from ruining the relationships I have with friends and family; I will gradually continue to aspire to good intended ambitions and a more fulfilling future.
So that's what the second (2nd) 'S' in SJBMCPRS is: Shinozaki; but one might question what is the significance of the name Shinozaki. If you're reading this, you might wonder why the last letter in SJBMCPRS isn't 'A' for ambition, which is what this post has been about. And the name 'Shinozaki', "isn't that Japanese? What the cheese-eating surrender monkeys that are the French, has something Japanese orientated have to do with any of this?!" Well now this is where it gets a little challenging for me to explain and clarify to readers because I in fact get the facet 'Shinozaki' from a fictional character that I didn't make up.
If you reading this is thinking of gushing out the words "What the f***!", please hold off until I have explained. I get the facet 'Shinozaki' from the fictional character Ayumi Shinozaki from the Corpse Party series. You can learn about the character by using the link provided (this in turn also allow to view the Corpse Party Wiki and learn more about the series if you wish to). http://corpseparty.wikia.com/wiki/Ayumi_Shinozaki
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Okay now you can utter your complete disbelief if you wish to.........
If this does not make any sense whatsoever then allow me to explain; you see in order to see where the inspiration from the fictional character comes from, you must understand my perception provided. (THIS PART WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!!) Ayumi Shinozaki is a flawed, insecure and frightened, but brave student and serves as the class representative for class in Kisaragi Academy. One (1) night she and her classroom friends decide to stay late after school and prepare to wish their friend Mayu Suzumoto farewell and the best of luck as she will be moving away and this was her last day in Kisaragi Academy. Before everyone leaves however; Shinozaki prompts an idea of performing a charm 'Sachiko Ever After', which is believed to make everyone who performs the charms friends forever. Everyone in the classroom agrees and performs the charm; only for the charm to lead to unforeseeable tragedy as everyone in the classroom ends up in Heavenly Host Elementary School, a school that was knocked down many years beforehand following terrible murders but still exists as a nexus. Though overwhelmed and traumatised; Shinozaki doesn't give up in finding the rest of her friends with Yoshiki by her side in the dreaded Heavenly Host. Along the way Shinozaki discovers that the charm which she got from the internet was deliberately altered to bring people into Heavenly Host, as well as the truth about the grotesque murders that transpired after appeasing the victims of the said murders. Having reunited with Satoshi, Yuka and Naomi; Shinozaki and Yoshiki set about appeasing Sachiko Shinozaki and escaping with their remaining friends after having lost several of their friends and their teacher to the malicious school. Inevitably the surviving students return to Kisaragi Academy after successfully escaping and surviving the horrors of Heavenly Host Elementary School. But the cost of performing the charm without knowing that it was rigged to fail beforehand was very dear as some of their friends and their teacher had died and their existence's were wiped away from the face of the Earth as if they didn't exist in the first place. (but only the survivors know that they did exist). Haunted and driven to bring her fallen friends back to life; Shinozaki would later on go to intense and perilous lengths in the hope of reviving her fallen friends and putting an end to her cursed family bloodline since Sachiko is in fact a relative to Ayumi.
.........................................................................................................................................
...................................................Okay so the point that I'm getting at is that despite Ayumi Shinozaki's insecurities, trauma, frailty, fear and possible fate; Shinozaki is prepared to go through the Hell in Heavenly Host Elementary School after initially escaping in Chapter four (4) with Yoshiki, and later risk her life in trying to revive her fallen friends numerous times (as does her surviving friends but not to the same extent). To me that suggests that Shinozaki is determined to the point of maddening obsession and possible sacrifice to traverse through the perils that await her in the hope of undoing the tragedies that transpired. A quote from Shinozaki in Chapter two (2) illustrates her determination and 'hopeless' ambition significantly: "Even if it DID open, I'd be staying right where I am! You think I'm just going to abandon Ms. Yui and all our friends, and run away?!"
While Ayumi Shinozaki is a fictional character (and my interpretation of the character may differ from others) and in no way can a fictional story of such be identical to that of reality; I can see relatable traits, and I am inspired all the same to strive for ambition despite many plaguing factors which some like being fearful and vulnerable are real emotions in real life. The determination to try despite the perils and difficulties is an admirable trait, and one (1) that I take on in real life in spite of my own insecurities, feelings and dread. While I am not aspiring to revive the dead or go back in time to prevent the disasters in my life from happening (because that's as unlikely as flying watermelons dropping bombs the size of double decker buses on the day that Pudsey Bear is arrested for sexual assaulting a baby kangaroo with tiger DNA with a cucumber from 1978!), I do aspire to accomplice my ambitions to the best of my ability. Those ambitions or goals are to write for the benefit of others, and to enrich the lives of the people I care about for the better. They may not be the most ambitious goals, but they are the passions that give me the greatest satisfaction and I hope I can continue to do what it is I love.
Well as this post draws to its conclusion and another facet of SJBMCPRS defined; I wonder what the ambitions of those who read this blog are, as well as what they think of my writing. I know its mostly BS and there are some spelling mistakes and issues with grammar, but on the whole I would welcome feedback if readers choose to leave any. REMEMBER: do not take the contents of this post or anything on this blog too seriously.
Until next time, see ya!
Sunday, 3 May 2015
J,B and R - The three heads of the modern Hydra - SJBMCPRS Diagnosis
Its time to for the so-called "God of Triangles" (because my hair portrays a triangular shape on my head apparently...) to get brutally and hideously honest with the darker facets of SJBMCPRS. So brutal and hideous that it would make the Hydra (based on Greek Mythology, NOT the fictional organisation in Marvel Comics) seen in movies look like a three (3) leaf clover. While there are many reasons why I consider myself the World's nemesis; the three (3) facets I am about to publish on this post ought to explain why I am a menace to society in the mental sense mostly. Don't be too alarmed; I am no terrorist or someone who has been "converted" by extremism hell bent by questionable methodologies and ideas to wreck actual destruction! Nope; I'm more like the "Beast" in Beauty and the Beast, scary and shut off from most of the world (by preference), but deep down there is some kindness (though wherever exactly that is, is the greatest mystery since the Bermuda Triangle). However surrounding that kindness is an entanglement of insincere facets that represent and define the mind-bogging mentality that is me. So are we ready to ruuummmbbllleeeeeee!!!!
No of course not, this is a post on a blog, not a boxing match!
Mentioned to some extent in a previous post; there is part of me that has little tolerance for inconveniences. Inconveniences can be members of the public unintentionally obscuring my path across routes like the Radipole Trail leading to Weymouth, being unheard like in a high stress working environment, or alienated because someone or something prevents my COA (course of action). When the inconveniences presents itself as an unbearable obstacle; "Big, Bad and Brutal" takes charge. The 'B' in SJBMCPRS represents "Big, Bad and Brutal", which in essence is what I call my angry side of my mentality. Picture yourself being infuriated and turning into something like the Incredible Hulk mentally; once in that mind-set or facet, all you want to do is get past the inconvenience because your patience and tolerance has run out.
To give an example or two (2) of where this facet comes into play in reality; first (1st) imagine you have a plan to meet someone or an event to get to and time is slipping away. Being under pressure to arrive at the destination on time will naturally infuriate and force you to pick up the pace in order to make up for lost time. BUT THEN! you are obscured from continuing your momentum by a couple of people walking in front at a slower pace! You can't yet these people cost you precious time and opportunity and because you already under pressure; your irritation grows to the point that the thought of bulldozing past the couple of people comes to mind because you feel the increasing need to pass through. Enter "Big Bad and Brutal" mode and you become angry (but only consciously) and very quickly overtake the couple of people with no regard as to whether its rude or hazardous to proceed at an agitated pace in order to get past the inconvenience(s) and subsequent other inconveniences up ahead. This is a common occurrence at a supermarket when people with trollies in an aisle (or not) engage with one another and immeadiately begin to talk, while unknowingly obscuring the path and intentions of other people. Inconvenient when that happens isn't it?
Another example (and I personal experience based situation) is working in the kitchen of a restaurant/café. From August 2011 to March 2013; I was working in the Asda Café in Weymouth as a customer/sales assistant, though really in hindsight I was essentially the cleaner of tables, dishes, cutlery, cups and so on (because other duties like serving the tills and making coffees and serving plates of food was too daunting and unbearable and I had no confidence or tolerance for customers). The number of problems mount up effortlessly after a while and reoccur multiple times during a work shift as customers will come and go requiring clean table surfaces and surroundings, clean cutlery, plates, cubs and other kitchenware each time. The ordeal to keep up with demand in an inappropriate working environment would prove exhausting and infuriating because I cannot work on my lonesome clearing tables and washing kitchenware and so on at a pace to comply with the unbearable customers that I am being shouted at for not being at but cannot get there because its beyond my ability. "Big, Bad and Brutal" would set in and cause me to uncomfortably hasten my work and come across very bitter throughout the day. A methodical and compulsive worker who doesn't like people in general like myself wouldn't be the ideal candidate for the role I served, and therefore stress and the regarding the needy customers as inconveniences and obstacles was a daily occurrence until I left the job to mental health issues.
This may demonstrate that I am an impatient individual who can't stand being obscured unintentionally or not by whatever comes across to me as an obstacle. Perhaps so, but then there is a difference between arriving at a destination without obstacles and inconveniences being present and having no more patience with obscuring people creating traffic on the path I walk. When I am not obscured by inconvieances and nothing suddenly occurs to alter a plan, then I am generally content. On the flip-side however, when inconveniences occur and disrupt my progression intentionally or not, irritation takes place, and once the "Big, Bad and Brutal" facet takes charge; anger deep within will take it course for some time to come and cause unnecessary and potentially damaging outcomes if that anger is still present when meeting with friends at a destination or event.
As mentioned before on a previous post however; though the facet is called "Big, Bad and Brutal"; implying an Incredible Hulk like character barging past people and obstacles; the reality is that while I do get irritated and bitter about encountering obstacles and hastening myself to get past the obstacles/inconvenience(s) in question; I am not literally brutalising my way through people or causing any harm.
But whereas "Big, Bad and Brutal" results in irritation and anger whenever triggered by an inconvieances or obstacles without any physical violence; The Racialist facet (the 'R' in SJBMCPRS) is very critical about which class of people create the inconvieance/obstacle or irritation. According to the free dictionary website, the definition of racialist is: "a person with a prejudiced belief that one (1) race is superior to others". While I do not wish to sound like Adolf Hitler or actually declare that one type of people is superior to another; there is definitely preconceived opinions and feeling inside the overall mentality of me.
Kick me in the knee or worse if this comes across as holy s*** offensive, but I do have disdain for specific types of people; these are: offenders, significantly disabled people, obese people, politicians and extremists. The notion of feeling superior to these people, (despite my negativity and politeness) stems from the fact that I can take control of my actions and know better and am wiser to avoid the pitfalls that are made by the types of people mentioned above. Despite how awful I consider myself; I feel that I am wiser then those people (young and old) who allow themselves to be converted and buy into the false hope flying watermelon dog s*** that is Islamic extremism (or whatever the terrorist program its called).
Though I self-loathe and condemn my lack of fitness and excessive weight ; I feel I am superior to other far larger obese people who don't do enough to do themselves some good for themselves and the people of whom they associate with and instead go about wasting the precious gift they contain called life. The absolute worst in my perception are those obese people who know they must lose weight and are even given gastric band surgery but ignore the support and dedication of other so they can consume another bite of chocolate or fatty food. One of the reasons I grew to despise people in general was due to working in the Asda café and witnessing the arrival of obese people and the careless and unnecessary food consumption; seeing obese people reminds me of myself and defines to what extent how much better I feel about being in my shoes/boots as opposed to the obese SOB in my sight. Seriously; I was an obese child and I once weighted over twenty (20) stone, but then through self-loathing and commitment, I managed to turn my life around and improve my health by reaching fourteen (14) stone.
Just like with the "Big, Bad and Brutal" facet; the "Racialist" facet can be triggered simply by the visualisation of people in front, behind or around me. In other words if I were (hypothetically) to see a significantly disabled person who cannot move by his means; the "Racialist" within me would decade myself superior because I don't rely on the family and support workers, as well as proving that I have overcame the metal barriers and compromises that made doctors come to the conclusion that when I would enter the later twenties (20s) of age that I would have the motor functioning skills and mental comprehension of a four (4) year old.
Despite my subconscious disdain for the types of people that feel inferior to me; I am wary that I myself am inferior to countless people and therefore it isn't fair to actually express my disdain 1 on 1 directly with the types of people mentioned above. It would also be foolish and very discriminating to make judgement when I am able to determine the drives and actions that made these people the way they are.
But now the worst of the worst, and perhaps the remaining head of the modern day Hydra that would commit the greatest harm. The 'J' in SJBMCPRS represents profanity, dark humour, terrible suggestions involving murdering, premonitions of people’s demises and disasters. While the 'J' stands for "Jes", there is no particular reason why I refer this facet as "Jes"; though I suppose it comes from the fact that I have a stuffed toy cat that I call Jes which predates my earliest sadistic thoughts.
If this sounds an awful lot like the fiction known as “Dexter” then you would be right, except that I do not consider the fiction as influencing because my appalling tenancies became apparent since I was thirteen (13) while watching my Dad’s mother worsen ever so slowly throughout the coming years until her life expired naturally. It may sound therefore like vigilantism but the closest Jes gets to reality is through my mind and feelings that are kept away from causing actually harm and via the awful (and non-serious) suggestions I provide like putting a cat in a blender after hearing about how someone microwaved their cat.
With the worst facets of SJBMCPRS now defined above and alas nightmares ensured to those who dare to read this post; one may beg the question why did I make a reference to the modern Hydra earlier? The explanation isn't straightforward, but essentially "Jes", "Big, Bad and Brutal" and "Racialist" are the monstrous facets of SJBMCPRS, and given that there are three (3) of these facets like the number of heads typically on the monster Hydra, I wanted to give the impression that these traits of my mentality make me the modern day Hydra and sound as appalling surreal as my imagination, while at the same time being honest about myself to those who (dare) to read this post (plus given also that I've been watching the Terminator series in preparation for Terminator Genisys later this year; I figure the modern day Hydra if such a monster existed would be more effective and scarier if it seemed and looked like any other human being (such as me) like the shape shifting T-1000). Should my friends and other people choose to learn more about me (for whatever strange reason), I would like to be as honest as I can so that they know what I'm like and what to expect.
As this post draws to its close, I thank all and apologise to everyone who reads this post. There's no guarantee what the next post will be about, but given there are three (3) facets of SJBMCPRS left to define, there's a good chance that more will be revealed on the next post (whenever that will be made). Until then, take care and please, please do not take anything in this post too seriously.
See ya!
No of course not, this is a post on a blog, not a boxing match!
Mentioned to some extent in a previous post; there is part of me that has little tolerance for inconveniences. Inconveniences can be members of the public unintentionally obscuring my path across routes like the Radipole Trail leading to Weymouth, being unheard like in a high stress working environment, or alienated because someone or something prevents my COA (course of action). When the inconveniences presents itself as an unbearable obstacle; "Big, Bad and Brutal" takes charge. The 'B' in SJBMCPRS represents "Big, Bad and Brutal", which in essence is what I call my angry side of my mentality. Picture yourself being infuriated and turning into something like the Incredible Hulk mentally; once in that mind-set or facet, all you want to do is get past the inconvenience because your patience and tolerance has run out.
To give an example or two (2) of where this facet comes into play in reality; first (1st) imagine you have a plan to meet someone or an event to get to and time is slipping away. Being under pressure to arrive at the destination on time will naturally infuriate and force you to pick up the pace in order to make up for lost time. BUT THEN! you are obscured from continuing your momentum by a couple of people walking in front at a slower pace! You can't yet these people cost you precious time and opportunity and because you already under pressure; your irritation grows to the point that the thought of bulldozing past the couple of people comes to mind because you feel the increasing need to pass through. Enter "Big Bad and Brutal" mode and you become angry (but only consciously) and very quickly overtake the couple of people with no regard as to whether its rude or hazardous to proceed at an agitated pace in order to get past the inconvenience(s) and subsequent other inconveniences up ahead. This is a common occurrence at a supermarket when people with trollies in an aisle (or not) engage with one another and immeadiately begin to talk, while unknowingly obscuring the path and intentions of other people. Inconvenient when that happens isn't it?
Another example (and I personal experience based situation) is working in the kitchen of a restaurant/café. From August 2011 to March 2013; I was working in the Asda Café in Weymouth as a customer/sales assistant, though really in hindsight I was essentially the cleaner of tables, dishes, cutlery, cups and so on (because other duties like serving the tills and making coffees and serving plates of food was too daunting and unbearable and I had no confidence or tolerance for customers). The number of problems mount up effortlessly after a while and reoccur multiple times during a work shift as customers will come and go requiring clean table surfaces and surroundings, clean cutlery, plates, cubs and other kitchenware each time. The ordeal to keep up with demand in an inappropriate working environment would prove exhausting and infuriating because I cannot work on my lonesome clearing tables and washing kitchenware and so on at a pace to comply with the unbearable customers that I am being shouted at for not being at but cannot get there because its beyond my ability. "Big, Bad and Brutal" would set in and cause me to uncomfortably hasten my work and come across very bitter throughout the day. A methodical and compulsive worker who doesn't like people in general like myself wouldn't be the ideal candidate for the role I served, and therefore stress and the regarding the needy customers as inconveniences and obstacles was a daily occurrence until I left the job to mental health issues.
This may demonstrate that I am an impatient individual who can't stand being obscured unintentionally or not by whatever comes across to me as an obstacle. Perhaps so, but then there is a difference between arriving at a destination without obstacles and inconveniences being present and having no more patience with obscuring people creating traffic on the path I walk. When I am not obscured by inconvieances and nothing suddenly occurs to alter a plan, then I am generally content. On the flip-side however, when inconveniences occur and disrupt my progression intentionally or not, irritation takes place, and once the "Big, Bad and Brutal" facet takes charge; anger deep within will take it course for some time to come and cause unnecessary and potentially damaging outcomes if that anger is still present when meeting with friends at a destination or event.
As mentioned before on a previous post however; though the facet is called "Big, Bad and Brutal"; implying an Incredible Hulk like character barging past people and obstacles; the reality is that while I do get irritated and bitter about encountering obstacles and hastening myself to get past the obstacles/inconvenience(s) in question; I am not literally brutalising my way through people or causing any harm.
But whereas "Big, Bad and Brutal" results in irritation and anger whenever triggered by an inconvieances or obstacles without any physical violence; The Racialist facet (the 'R' in SJBMCPRS) is very critical about which class of people create the inconvieance/obstacle or irritation. According to the free dictionary website, the definition of racialist is: "a person with a prejudiced belief that one (1) race is superior to others". While I do not wish to sound like Adolf Hitler or actually declare that one type of people is superior to another; there is definitely preconceived opinions and feeling inside the overall mentality of me.
Kick me in the knee or worse if this comes across as holy s*** offensive, but I do have disdain for specific types of people; these are: offenders, significantly disabled people, obese people, politicians and extremists. The notion of feeling superior to these people, (despite my negativity and politeness) stems from the fact that I can take control of my actions and know better and am wiser to avoid the pitfalls that are made by the types of people mentioned above. Despite how awful I consider myself; I feel that I am wiser then those people (young and old) who allow themselves to be converted and buy into the false hope flying watermelon dog s*** that is Islamic extremism (or whatever the terrorist program its called).
Though I self-loathe and condemn my lack of fitness and excessive weight ; I feel I am superior to other far larger obese people who don't do enough to do themselves some good for themselves and the people of whom they associate with and instead go about wasting the precious gift they contain called life. The absolute worst in my perception are those obese people who know they must lose weight and are even given gastric band surgery but ignore the support and dedication of other so they can consume another bite of chocolate or fatty food. One of the reasons I grew to despise people in general was due to working in the Asda café and witnessing the arrival of obese people and the careless and unnecessary food consumption; seeing obese people reminds me of myself and defines to what extent how much better I feel about being in my shoes/boots as opposed to the obese SOB in my sight. Seriously; I was an obese child and I once weighted over twenty (20) stone, but then through self-loathing and commitment, I managed to turn my life around and improve my health by reaching fourteen (14) stone.
Just like with the "Big, Bad and Brutal" facet; the "Racialist" facet can be triggered simply by the visualisation of people in front, behind or around me. In other words if I were (hypothetically) to see a significantly disabled person who cannot move by his means; the "Racialist" within me would decade myself superior because I don't rely on the family and support workers, as well as proving that I have overcame the metal barriers and compromises that made doctors come to the conclusion that when I would enter the later twenties (20s) of age that I would have the motor functioning skills and mental comprehension of a four (4) year old.
Despite my subconscious disdain for the types of people that feel inferior to me; I am wary that I myself am inferior to countless people and therefore it isn't fair to actually express my disdain 1 on 1 directly with the types of people mentioned above. It would also be foolish and very discriminating to make judgement when I am able to determine the drives and actions that made these people the way they are.
But now the worst of the worst, and perhaps the remaining head of the modern day Hydra that would commit the greatest harm. The 'J' in SJBMCPRS represents profanity, dark humour, terrible suggestions involving murdering, premonitions of people’s demises and disasters. While the 'J' stands for "Jes", there is no particular reason why I refer this facet as "Jes"; though I suppose it comes from the fact that I have a stuffed toy cat that I call Jes which predates my earliest sadistic thoughts.
"Jes" is foul mouthed, sadistic and stupendously hopeful as
a psychopath or sociopath despite never actually committing such an atrocity in
real live and never going to be allowed to do so. When engaged however; Jes is
horribly honest in many situations and terrifyingly imaginative. For example;
when Boeing announces a new addition to their airline fleet like the newest
generation of 747 jumbo jets, the first thing that pops into mind is the
inevitable disaster such as a crash like the TWA flight 500 incident that
causes casualties. If I see a double decker bus drive by; I imagine a thread of
piano wire or something that would tear the upper section of the bus and the
passengers into shreds, being purposely or accidently strung along to inflict
such disaster. "Jes" is ill-mannered and when I am stressed in a work
environment like in the Asda Café; I make no attempt to hide such terrible suggestions to co-workers
in order to relief the stress. Even when I’m not in a work based situation, I
suggest the same kind of horrible suggestions and delusions to family and friends; it’s not
appropriate and is wrong in every conceivable way but then I am being honest
about how I perceive things
Sometimes the "Jes" facet causes concern and fear personally;
like in situations when I imagine someone close to me have a fatal or horrible
accident. Alas considering how often this is, I persevere and keep it mostly to
myself and never act on it such as committing the atrocity. I instinctively
know better and stop myself from venturing too far.
Although the "Jes" facet is intoxicating to me and
suggestive, I wouldn’t allow myself to commit such atrocities. Hypothetically
however if I did then I would want to put my sinister intentions into good use.
If the UK government and laws were under my control; I would allow euthanasia
for specific reasons i.e. if someone is significantly disabled and miserable
about their quality of life is too much to bear and wish for their suffering to
end at will. People reaching the age of 90 and above would also qualify since
their bodies and quality of life would worsen significantly from that age
onwards. I wouldn’t let ethnics or morality get in the way and if necessary I
would be a doctor of death as it were, ending the lives of those who wish to
have their lives ended. There is a growing problem of an aging population which
isn’t helped by the fact that people are living longer lives and costing the
world more and more resources then say those were in the 1950s but in my
delusion this problem would have a solution.
Although "Jes" is considered evil and a menace; there are
greater evils in the world that appal me like assaults on women and children,
rape, and murders that shockingly aren’t dealt with fittingly. There are all
sorts of evils in prisons in the UK as I speak who despite their atrocious
actions are still offered rights and “luxuries” which personally are sickening.
Though there are those serving life sentences, there is still the requirement
of resources to ensure that their sentence is carried out, in a struggling
world where there is recessions and so on, it’s ludicrous to think that money
and resources are being spent to ensure these prisoners severing life sentences
are carried out when they shouldn’t deserve it. Due to the Jes facet I would be
inclined to suggest freely that people who make such atrocities shouldn’t be
allowed rights or luxuries because they discarded and violated their rights
upon committing the atrocity. Similarly to how I would allow euthanasia, I
would bring back the life sentence and destroy the rights and luxuries
offenders are getting, if they die of starvation or whatever reason then so be
it; it just means there is one less evil in the world.If this sounds an awful lot like the fiction known as “Dexter” then you would be right, except that I do not consider the fiction as influencing because my appalling tenancies became apparent since I was thirteen (13) while watching my Dad’s mother worsen ever so slowly throughout the coming years until her life expired naturally. It may sound therefore like vigilantism but the closest Jes gets to reality is through my mind and feelings that are kept away from causing actually harm and via the awful (and non-serious) suggestions I provide like putting a cat in a blender after hearing about how someone microwaved their cat.
With the worst facets of SJBMCPRS now defined above and alas nightmares ensured to those who dare to read this post; one may beg the question why did I make a reference to the modern Hydra earlier? The explanation isn't straightforward, but essentially "Jes", "Big, Bad and Brutal" and "Racialist" are the monstrous facets of SJBMCPRS, and given that there are three (3) of these facets like the number of heads typically on the monster Hydra, I wanted to give the impression that these traits of my mentality make me the modern day Hydra and sound as appalling surreal as my imagination, while at the same time being honest about myself to those who (dare) to read this post (plus given also that I've been watching the Terminator series in preparation for Terminator Genisys later this year; I figure the modern day Hydra if such a monster existed would be more effective and scarier if it seemed and looked like any other human being (such as me) like the shape shifting T-1000). Should my friends and other people choose to learn more about me (for whatever strange reason), I would like to be as honest as I can so that they know what I'm like and what to expect.
As this post draws to its close, I thank all and apologise to everyone who reads this post. There's no guarantee what the next post will be about, but given there are three (3) facets of SJBMCPRS left to define, there's a good chance that more will be revealed on the next post (whenever that will be made). Until then, take care and please, please do not take anything in this post too seriously.
See ya!
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