Something occurred to me on the 5th May, 2015; while I was in a meeting discussing employment and CV writing. In a matter of seconds; lightning had just struck my brain and I realised what I have been doing since the later stage of secondary school (other than being negative and fearful (which has been a constant as long as I can recall)). It wasn't an epiphany, no it felt more like a spontaneous response while the meeting was unfolding, and yet it provided clarity on one (1) of my ambitions.
I enjoy writing, and the ambition that encourages me to write and type the material (nonsense filled with tank size BS) like the posts on the SJBMCPRS Report (hey, self advertising!) and fictional stories is to have my efforts develop into something that could be of 'good' use to others. As dumb as this may sound; the SJBMCPRS Report is a means for my (intolerable, inhumane and ludicrous) imagination to translate into words which becomes available for theoretically everyone, which means this ambition is being fulfilled to a degree (though whether people do or can make actual 'good' use of my efforts is debatable).
On a subconscious level; I am aware that I am utilising my free will to express myself as a 'different' individual (because the perception is that because of my 'mental alignment' I am different from the 'ordinary') among the millions of apparently 'normal' people, which may or may not influence or be perceived of a perception of those who are regarded 'different' from what is considered the 'norm'. Why do I think this? Because mental health experts and friends have implied this and apparently I must try to accept the compliments (even though I find that overwhelmingly difficult in the same way a G-Wiz can't directly pass straight through an M41 Walker Bulldog tank in one piece).
Having an ambition or goal if you prefer (but not the kind where millions of people go hyperactive ape s*** over), is a destination or a result that people want to traverse to, a pilgrimage in other words. Whether people who set themselves an objective or goal in life fulfil their ambition or not; it is 'assumed' that everyone has a goal in life. People (myself included) have ambitions (you can have more than one (1)) and strive to accomplice that ambition whether its something that could be insignificantly minor to other people such as making yourself a meal, or a step towards accomplishing a bigger goal. Probably the best example I could give that defines human ambitions big and small without actually going up to someone and asking, is to look up a gameplay video of The Sims 3 which shows a Sims' ambitions and ultimate goal.
Hold on a minute though; how can someone as pessimistic and miserable like myself have ambition? Why have ambition when you feel with almost complete certainty that it will lead to failure? Without question the previous sentence summarises how most of the time I feel, and along with all the pessimism, my experiences convinces me that I shouldn't aspire to anything because it won't work out favourably. It goes without saying that the notion of genuine happiness is as rare as a rocking horse's s***.
But this doesn't mean its non-existent! Its just among all the melancholy, sociopathic-ness, lack of confidence, reluctance, anxiety and fear, people would be forgiven in thinking that for me to be pursuing my ambitions and having a genuine smile on my face is a sign of the apocalypse. Maybe its because I have a blackened perspective and sombre nature that I actually find it easy to know what my ambitions are and prepare myself as best I can for the challenges awaiting me along the perilous artery to my ambitions.
This is the "Shinozaki" facet and it serves as the final facet and letter of SJBMCPRS, as well as a sort of antithesis to "Strangersparky" and the other defined facets that portray the grim, negative, hideousness that is my mentality. By using the pessimism and the haunting experiences as a platform; Shinozaki builds upon the hardships to work towards something better like moving a step closer to accomplishing an ambition. Whereas the Strangersparky and Shinozaki facets are a lot alike in regards to having to be social and appearing to "fit in" with the surroundings; Shinozaki looks to make the most of a bad situation and try to learn from the 'bad' and utilise those lessons to better prepare for the next time as well as evade the same pitfalls, whereas Strangersparky will try but ultimately feel more content in wandering into nothingness. In other words; the Shinozaki facet is the part of my mentality that acknowledges the failures and despair but still aspires to ambition across the unknown and perilous road called life. The starting line and finishing line is known to Shinozaki, and though the path between those lines isn't obvious, the hope and desire to overcome and knowing to a degree what it will take to ascend to that goal wills Shinozaki on regardless if the goal is fulfilled or not.
Perhaps the best example I can provide that explains how the Shinozaki facet comes into play in my life is to gloss over the time I have spent with my friends since initially starting in February 2015. From the very start I was extremely apprehensive about joining because I was once again going into uncharted water by going into a group of young people of whom I didn't know, they didn't know me, and were only identifiable because each have history with mental health (I apologise in case you read this and this 'label' does not stick well with you). The "Racialist" facet contributed to my anxiety and apprehension because I unfairly had the prejudiced perception that due to their conditions (that I did not know of at the time) which could mean they were not able to communicate or maneuverer efficiently , I wouldn't be able to tolerate (which is really unfair for them and shameful to admit but alas that's part of my mentality. Again my apologies). I didn't want my despair and proneness to put myself down to affect the young people in the group because I am still of the opinion that I can lead people to the spiral of decline (inadvertent or not). And to cap it off; my previous and failed friendship had left my confidence, and faith in my abilities badly burned, and I was especially apprehensive because I didn't want to hurt anyone else the same way I inadvertently did with my previous friend through my actions that meant the best intentions as a caring friend but came across as overbearing and pestering. I mention this with a fractured heart and with tremendous animosity towards myself because it was ultimately my poor decisions and actions that lead to demise and confirmed my belief that I ought to wander alone into nothingness because I deserve the unmerciful self-loathing agony, while at the same time preventing the same unintended (mental) fear or worse to anyone else.
While its now early May 2015, and I am still in the group and friends with everyone in the group (I hope); the apprehension, reluctance and fear I feel is the same, and it has only grown with time because I am a part of the group and my friends see me as a friend; meaning the scariness and pressure not to muck it up is needle-piercingly uncomfortable. I am constantly in fear that my words, decisions and actions no matter how well intended, can scare or irritate my friends; regardless of what the reality of the given situation is (and just so everyone knows, that's unlikely to change). Bearing in mind that my friends have had various degrees of mental health challenges and have gone through painful experiences; sometimes I really wish I could be non-existent so that I cannot make things worse. Try as I will and might to do what I feel is sincere and for the better enrichment of my friends; nothing is going to shake off the sadness I feel inside, my awkwardness, stupidity, doubt and moments of overbearingness because I do mean sincerity and I do care when I offer my help, advice and company. The 'bad' that I feel and experience (which is entirely of my own doing, and not any of my friends' doing) will stick to me like steel super-glued and riveted to my ribcage.
And yet at the same time; having friends and being a friend and someone I hope they can trust means an immeasurable lot to me. I now have opportunities that otherwise wouldn't be available to me like going to the cinema to watch a film with friends, going out for a walk, going to the amusements, bowling, playing (crazy/adventure), golf, eating out, talking, having drinks (and plenty of tea), and so on. And despite my negativity and mistakes; I feel fulfilled because I am of (some) use to my friends which in turn means I am fulfilling an ambition of mine that is to enrich my friends' lives for the better whether it be by providing company, supplies like fizzy drinks and biscuits or supplying the change needed for a go at the amusements. The Shinozaki facet drives me to be the best friend I can be to my friends and to those I care about (such as family). In other words when I am going out with my friends or aiding my family; what they're getting is the better side of me being driven by the Shinozaki facet of SJBMCPRS. As time goes on, and hoping that I can prevent myself from ruining the relationships I have with friends and family; I will gradually continue to aspire to good intended ambitions and a more fulfilling future.
So that's what the second (2nd) 'S' in SJBMCPRS is: Shinozaki; but one might question what is the significance of the name Shinozaki. If you're reading this, you might wonder why the last letter in SJBMCPRS isn't 'A' for ambition, which is what this post has been about. And the name 'Shinozaki', "isn't that Japanese? What the cheese-eating surrender monkeys that are the French, has something Japanese orientated have to do with any of this?!" Well now this is where it gets a little challenging for me to explain and clarify to readers because I in fact get the facet 'Shinozaki' from a fictional character that I didn't make up.
If you reading this is thinking of gushing out the words "What the f***!", please hold off until I have explained. I get the facet 'Shinozaki' from the fictional character Ayumi Shinozaki from the Corpse Party series. You can learn about the character by using the link provided (this in turn also allow to view the Corpse Party Wiki and learn more about the series if you wish to). http://corpseparty.wikia.com/wiki/Ayumi_Shinozaki
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Okay now you can utter your complete disbelief if you wish to.........
If this does not make any sense whatsoever then allow me to explain; you see in order to see where the inspiration from the fictional character comes from, you must understand my perception provided. (THIS PART WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!!) Ayumi Shinozaki is a flawed, insecure and frightened, but brave student and serves as the class representative for class in Kisaragi Academy. One (1) night she and her classroom friends decide to stay late after school and prepare to wish their friend Mayu Suzumoto farewell and the best of luck as she will be moving away and this was her last day in Kisaragi Academy. Before everyone leaves however; Shinozaki prompts an idea of performing a charm 'Sachiko Ever After', which is believed to make everyone who performs the charms friends forever. Everyone in the classroom agrees and performs the charm; only for the charm to lead to unforeseeable tragedy as everyone in the classroom ends up in Heavenly Host Elementary School, a school that was knocked down many years beforehand following terrible murders but still exists as a nexus. Though overwhelmed and traumatised; Shinozaki doesn't give up in finding the rest of her friends with Yoshiki by her side in the dreaded Heavenly Host. Along the way Shinozaki discovers that the charm which she got from the internet was deliberately altered to bring people into Heavenly Host, as well as the truth about the grotesque murders that transpired after appeasing the victims of the said murders. Having reunited with Satoshi, Yuka and Naomi; Shinozaki and Yoshiki set about appeasing Sachiko Shinozaki and escaping with their remaining friends after having lost several of their friends and their teacher to the malicious school. Inevitably the surviving students return to Kisaragi Academy after successfully escaping and surviving the horrors of Heavenly Host Elementary School. But the cost of performing the charm without knowing that it was rigged to fail beforehand was very dear as some of their friends and their teacher had died and their existence's were wiped away from the face of the Earth as if they didn't exist in the first place. (but only the survivors know that they did exist). Haunted and driven to bring her fallen friends back to life; Shinozaki would later on go to intense and perilous lengths in the hope of reviving her fallen friends and putting an end to her cursed family bloodline since Sachiko is in fact a relative to Ayumi.
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...................................................Okay so the point that I'm getting at is that despite Ayumi Shinozaki's insecurities, trauma, frailty, fear and possible fate; Shinozaki is prepared to go through the Hell in Heavenly Host Elementary School after initially escaping in Chapter four (4) with Yoshiki, and later risk her life in trying to revive her fallen friends numerous times (as does her surviving friends but not to the same extent). To me that suggests that Shinozaki is determined to the point of maddening obsession and possible sacrifice to traverse through the perils that await her in the hope of undoing the tragedies that transpired. A quote from Shinozaki in Chapter two (2) illustrates her determination and 'hopeless' ambition significantly: "Even if it DID open, I'd be staying right where I am! You think I'm just going to abandon Ms. Yui and all our friends, and run away?!"
While Ayumi Shinozaki is a fictional character (and my interpretation of the character may differ from others) and in no way can a fictional story of such be identical to that of reality; I can see relatable traits, and I am inspired all the same to strive for ambition despite many plaguing factors which some like being fearful and vulnerable are real emotions in real life. The determination to try despite the perils and difficulties is an admirable trait, and one (1) that I take on in real life in spite of my own insecurities, feelings and dread. While I am not aspiring to revive the dead or go back in time to prevent the disasters in my life from happening (because that's as unlikely as flying watermelons dropping bombs the size of double decker buses on the day that Pudsey Bear is arrested for sexual assaulting a baby kangaroo with tiger DNA with a cucumber from 1978!), I do aspire to accomplice my ambitions to the best of my ability. Those ambitions or goals are to write for the benefit of others, and to enrich the lives of the people I care about for the better. They may not be the most ambitious goals, but they are the passions that give me the greatest satisfaction and I hope I can continue to do what it is I love.
Well as this post draws to its conclusion and another facet of SJBMCPRS defined; I wonder what the ambitions of those who read this blog are, as well as what they think of my writing. I know its mostly BS and there are some spelling mistakes and issues with grammar, but on the whole I would welcome feedback if readers choose to leave any. REMEMBER: do not take the contents of this post or anything on this blog too seriously.
Until next time, see ya!
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