No of course not, this is a post on a blog, not a boxing match!
Mentioned to some extent in a previous post; there is part of me that has little tolerance for inconveniences. Inconveniences can be members of the public unintentionally obscuring my path across routes like the Radipole Trail leading to Weymouth, being unheard like in a high stress working environment, or alienated because someone or something prevents my COA (course of action). When the inconveniences presents itself as an unbearable obstacle; "Big, Bad and Brutal" takes charge. The 'B' in SJBMCPRS represents "Big, Bad and Brutal", which in essence is what I call my angry side of my mentality. Picture yourself being infuriated and turning into something like the Incredible Hulk mentally; once in that mind-set or facet, all you want to do is get past the inconvenience because your patience and tolerance has run out.
To give an example or two (2) of where this facet comes into play in reality; first (1st) imagine you have a plan to meet someone or an event to get to and time is slipping away. Being under pressure to arrive at the destination on time will naturally infuriate and force you to pick up the pace in order to make up for lost time. BUT THEN! you are obscured from continuing your momentum by a couple of people walking in front at a slower pace! You can't yet these people cost you precious time and opportunity and because you already under pressure; your irritation grows to the point that the thought of bulldozing past the couple of people comes to mind because you feel the increasing need to pass through. Enter "Big Bad and Brutal" mode and you become angry (but only consciously) and very quickly overtake the couple of people with no regard as to whether its rude or hazardous to proceed at an agitated pace in order to get past the inconvenience(s) and subsequent other inconveniences up ahead. This is a common occurrence at a supermarket when people with trollies in an aisle (or not) engage with one another and immeadiately begin to talk, while unknowingly obscuring the path and intentions of other people. Inconvenient when that happens isn't it?
Another example (and I personal experience based situation) is working in the kitchen of a restaurant/café. From August 2011 to March 2013; I was working in the Asda Café in Weymouth as a customer/sales assistant, though really in hindsight I was essentially the cleaner of tables, dishes, cutlery, cups and so on (because other duties like serving the tills and making coffees and serving plates of food was too daunting and unbearable and I had no confidence or tolerance for customers). The number of problems mount up effortlessly after a while and reoccur multiple times during a work shift as customers will come and go requiring clean table surfaces and surroundings, clean cutlery, plates, cubs and other kitchenware each time. The ordeal to keep up with demand in an inappropriate working environment would prove exhausting and infuriating because I cannot work on my lonesome clearing tables and washing kitchenware and so on at a pace to comply with the unbearable customers that I am being shouted at for not being at but cannot get there because its beyond my ability. "Big, Bad and Brutal" would set in and cause me to uncomfortably hasten my work and come across very bitter throughout the day. A methodical and compulsive worker who doesn't like people in general like myself wouldn't be the ideal candidate for the role I served, and therefore stress and the regarding the needy customers as inconveniences and obstacles was a daily occurrence until I left the job to mental health issues.
This may demonstrate that I am an impatient individual who can't stand being obscured unintentionally or not by whatever comes across to me as an obstacle. Perhaps so, but then there is a difference between arriving at a destination without obstacles and inconveniences being present and having no more patience with obscuring people creating traffic on the path I walk. When I am not obscured by inconvieances and nothing suddenly occurs to alter a plan, then I am generally content. On the flip-side however, when inconveniences occur and disrupt my progression intentionally or not, irritation takes place, and once the "Big, Bad and Brutal" facet takes charge; anger deep within will take it course for some time to come and cause unnecessary and potentially damaging outcomes if that anger is still present when meeting with friends at a destination or event.
As mentioned before on a previous post however; though the facet is called "Big, Bad and Brutal"; implying an Incredible Hulk like character barging past people and obstacles; the reality is that while I do get irritated and bitter about encountering obstacles and hastening myself to get past the obstacles/inconvenience(s) in question; I am not literally brutalising my way through people or causing any harm.
But whereas "Big, Bad and Brutal" results in irritation and anger whenever triggered by an inconvieances or obstacles without any physical violence; The Racialist facet (the 'R' in SJBMCPRS) is very critical about which class of people create the inconvieance/obstacle or irritation. According to the free dictionary website, the definition of racialist is: "a person with a prejudiced belief that one (1) race is superior to others". While I do not wish to sound like Adolf Hitler or actually declare that one type of people is superior to another; there is definitely preconceived opinions and feeling inside the overall mentality of me.
Kick me in the knee or worse if this comes across as holy s*** offensive, but I do have disdain for specific types of people; these are: offenders, significantly disabled people, obese people, politicians and extremists. The notion of feeling superior to these people, (despite my negativity and politeness) stems from the fact that I can take control of my actions and know better and am wiser to avoid the pitfalls that are made by the types of people mentioned above. Despite how awful I consider myself; I feel that I am wiser then those people (young and old) who allow themselves to be converted and buy into the false hope flying watermelon dog s*** that is Islamic extremism (or whatever the terrorist program its called).
Though I self-loathe and condemn my lack of fitness and excessive weight ; I feel I am superior to other far larger obese people who don't do enough to do themselves some good for themselves and the people of whom they associate with and instead go about wasting the precious gift they contain called life. The absolute worst in my perception are those obese people who know they must lose weight and are even given gastric band surgery but ignore the support and dedication of other so they can consume another bite of chocolate or fatty food. One of the reasons I grew to despise people in general was due to working in the Asda café and witnessing the arrival of obese people and the careless and unnecessary food consumption; seeing obese people reminds me of myself and defines to what extent how much better I feel about being in my shoes/boots as opposed to the obese SOB in my sight. Seriously; I was an obese child and I once weighted over twenty (20) stone, but then through self-loathing and commitment, I managed to turn my life around and improve my health by reaching fourteen (14) stone.
Just like with the "Big, Bad and Brutal" facet; the "Racialist" facet can be triggered simply by the visualisation of people in front, behind or around me. In other words if I were (hypothetically) to see a significantly disabled person who cannot move by his means; the "Racialist" within me would decade myself superior because I don't rely on the family and support workers, as well as proving that I have overcame the metal barriers and compromises that made doctors come to the conclusion that when I would enter the later twenties (20s) of age that I would have the motor functioning skills and mental comprehension of a four (4) year old.
Despite my subconscious disdain for the types of people that feel inferior to me; I am wary that I myself am inferior to countless people and therefore it isn't fair to actually express my disdain 1 on 1 directly with the types of people mentioned above. It would also be foolish and very discriminating to make judgement when I am able to determine the drives and actions that made these people the way they are.
But now the worst of the worst, and perhaps the remaining head of the modern day Hydra that would commit the greatest harm. The 'J' in SJBMCPRS represents profanity, dark humour, terrible suggestions involving murdering, premonitions of people’s demises and disasters. While the 'J' stands for "Jes", there is no particular reason why I refer this facet as "Jes"; though I suppose it comes from the fact that I have a stuffed toy cat that I call Jes which predates my earliest sadistic thoughts.
"Jes" is foul mouthed, sadistic and stupendously hopeful as
a psychopath or sociopath despite never actually committing such an atrocity in
real live and never going to be allowed to do so. When engaged however; Jes is
horribly honest in many situations and terrifyingly imaginative. For example;
when Boeing announces a new addition to their airline fleet like the newest
generation of 747 jumbo jets, the first thing that pops into mind is the
inevitable disaster such as a crash like the TWA flight 500 incident that
causes casualties. If I see a double decker bus drive by; I imagine a thread of
piano wire or something that would tear the upper section of the bus and the
passengers into shreds, being purposely or accidently strung along to inflict
such disaster. "Jes" is ill-mannered and when I am stressed in a work
environment like in the Asda Café; I make no attempt to hide such terrible suggestions to co-workers
in order to relief the stress. Even when I’m not in a work based situation, I
suggest the same kind of horrible suggestions and delusions to family and friends; it’s not
appropriate and is wrong in every conceivable way but then I am being honest
about how I perceive things
Sometimes the "Jes" facet causes concern and fear personally;
like in situations when I imagine someone close to me have a fatal or horrible
accident. Alas considering how often this is, I persevere and keep it mostly to
myself and never act on it such as committing the atrocity. I instinctively
know better and stop myself from venturing too far.
Although the "Jes" facet is intoxicating to me and
suggestive, I wouldn’t allow myself to commit such atrocities. Hypothetically
however if I did then I would want to put my sinister intentions into good use.
If the UK government and laws were under my control; I would allow euthanasia
for specific reasons i.e. if someone is significantly disabled and miserable
about their quality of life is too much to bear and wish for their suffering to
end at will. People reaching the age of 90 and above would also qualify since
their bodies and quality of life would worsen significantly from that age
onwards. I wouldn’t let ethnics or morality get in the way and if necessary I
would be a doctor of death as it were, ending the lives of those who wish to
have their lives ended. There is a growing problem of an aging population which
isn’t helped by the fact that people are living longer lives and costing the
world more and more resources then say those were in the 1950s but in my
delusion this problem would have a solution.
Although "Jes" is considered evil and a menace; there are
greater evils in the world that appal me like assaults on women and children,
rape, and murders that shockingly aren’t dealt with fittingly. There are all
sorts of evils in prisons in the UK as I speak who despite their atrocious
actions are still offered rights and “luxuries” which personally are sickening.
Though there are those serving life sentences, there is still the requirement
of resources to ensure that their sentence is carried out, in a struggling
world where there is recessions and so on, it’s ludicrous to think that money
and resources are being spent to ensure these prisoners severing life sentences
are carried out when they shouldn’t deserve it. Due to the Jes facet I would be
inclined to suggest freely that people who make such atrocities shouldn’t be
allowed rights or luxuries because they discarded and violated their rights
upon committing the atrocity. Similarly to how I would allow euthanasia, I
would bring back the life sentence and destroy the rights and luxuries
offenders are getting, if they die of starvation or whatever reason then so be
it; it just means there is one less evil in the world.If this sounds an awful lot like the fiction known as “Dexter” then you would be right, except that I do not consider the fiction as influencing because my appalling tenancies became apparent since I was thirteen (13) while watching my Dad’s mother worsen ever so slowly throughout the coming years until her life expired naturally. It may sound therefore like vigilantism but the closest Jes gets to reality is through my mind and feelings that are kept away from causing actually harm and via the awful (and non-serious) suggestions I provide like putting a cat in a blender after hearing about how someone microwaved their cat.
With the worst facets of SJBMCPRS now defined above and alas nightmares ensured to those who dare to read this post; one may beg the question why did I make a reference to the modern Hydra earlier? The explanation isn't straightforward, but essentially "Jes", "Big, Bad and Brutal" and "Racialist" are the monstrous facets of SJBMCPRS, and given that there are three (3) of these facets like the number of heads typically on the monster Hydra, I wanted to give the impression that these traits of my mentality make me the modern day Hydra and sound as appalling surreal as my imagination, while at the same time being honest about myself to those who (dare) to read this post (plus given also that I've been watching the Terminator series in preparation for Terminator Genisys later this year; I figure the modern day Hydra if such a monster existed would be more effective and scarier if it seemed and looked like any other human being (such as me) like the shape shifting T-1000). Should my friends and other people choose to learn more about me (for whatever strange reason), I would like to be as honest as I can so that they know what I'm like and what to expect.
As this post draws to its close, I thank all and apologise to everyone who reads this post. There's no guarantee what the next post will be about, but given there are three (3) facets of SJBMCPRS left to define, there's a good chance that more will be revealed on the next post (whenever that will be made). Until then, take care and please, please do not take anything in this post too seriously.
See ya!
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