Please note this post is not my excuse for my behaviour or attitude towards friends and family; this is merely my attempt to clarify my hopeless perspective. In the process I may repeat myself from previous posts in this clarification. Apologies if this is deemed pathetic and if I inadvertently offend in this post.
There's something I'm afraid to say I am very good at, and this is being not truthful and not as open-minded as I ought to be. Contrary to appearances and what I say; I am a clueless and scared mixed-up person with a perspective that would knock out Mike Tyson for the fifty (50) count if there was such a thing. I am an in-perfect person (and quite frankly who isn't?), and therefore I can't be the best I can in reality which means there will be alas instances where I cause more problems then solutions. And while I accept this about myself and strive to improve; there is a significant obstacle or a warped wall (for those who know that it is an obstacle in the Ninja Warrior/Sasuke program) that for some time has been an unconquerable mental obstacle which has led to a couple of problems.
I call this the Phantom Relationship Roadblock or 'PRR' for short (this is not a facet of SJBMCPRS, though it does part imply the compulsive loop and paranoia to a degree which are facets), and it illustrates to me my problematic approach to relationships (i.e. the friendships I have). I am a twenty-five (25), nearing twenty-six (26) year old hydra of a human being, and yet I have a limited knowledge and experience regarding relationships, and most of it stems from unfortunately bleak situations. Because of this I am on the brink of that PRR or warped wall or a dead end/broken road in Silent Hill, and I find myself in a loop that has no real direction and has led to disaster in the past.
I am not a people person. People are baffling and scary beings that I find myself unwilling to associate with. And when there are those that I do associate with like friends and family; my perception is woeful and I feel there's only so much I can do and provide. Now not all people are scary and I know this because I am friends with some wonderful people, and there's of course family which has some charm and positives despite a few woes here and there. Unfortunately, these friends and family weren't the people I unfortunately learnt from.
Before I go on; I will state that I am not implying that my experiences and growing-up is worse then others because I'm certain that it is not and there are countless legitimate examples to prove this. That said it has legitimately stifled me and has an overbearingly negative and pessimistic effect with me and people that I come across and associate with.
I have been of the opinion that I am a lone wolf to a degree (and not the fictional heroic type) who exists in a black sheep's clothing, due to the experiences I have had. Over the course of my childhood I have been bullied, taunted, humiliated, shouted at, attacked, placed in unwinnable situations, treated as a disgrace to others by associates in school and by family members when I did things that were meant for good reasons but ultimately alienated and led to fury (like telling my parents and providing evidence that my oldest brother and sister were on the brink of losing their house in Maidstone, Kent due to their actions). There was an incident where my carelessness and naïve-ness led to older students kicking the woodchip and soil playground flooring at me after they torqued my left leg to a degree that it tore one (1) of the hamstring tendon in the thigh. Of course I am no saint and certainly I did stupid things that warrant a telling-off and so on.
So you might be thinking: "So what, everyone encounters trouble growing up, its not a big deal". This is alas true and I am certainly not going to imply that I am a victim of those circumstances that make me the lone wolf in black sheep's clothing with PRR because countless other people have had a worse up-bringing then I. But when your scoffing down more KITKAT and other chocolate bars then the amount of information the Archbishop of Canterbury can get out of the bible as a means of comfort and begin to perceive everyone as a threat, that's when you know there's a problem. And yet this is the thing, I didn't know that there was a problem with what I was doing, not until a few years ago when I'm told by my Mother that I have aspergers and that doctors expected me by the age of eight-teen (18) (thereabouts) to have the mental capacity as a four (4) year old.
Alas, because I sought comfort food, solitude and couldn't trust anyone except teachers (preferably female teachers I admit because I could associate their attention to that of my Mother's, which made me feel safe); I did rotten things at the early stages of secondary school. After leaving our home near Southborough, Kent for Weymouth and Hugh Christie Technology College, I was thrust into year nine (9) at Wey Valley School (2001-2006) when I was thoroughly self-assured that I would not get along with any of the students and I didn't want anything to do with other people because the negativity, pessimism, self-loathing, bullying and harrowing experiences had led me to the belief that I was a lone wolf in a black sheep's clothing and that I could lead others (unintentionally I assure) down to the 'Spiral of Decline'. And because there were the Bart Simpsons, Lauren Coopers (from the Catherine Tate Show), short tempered American Pit Bull Terriers in the form of students, and others that wouldn't leave me alone; I was in Hell everyday. To make things worse, those rotten things I hinted earlier made me a real problem for others to tolerate because I was trying to distance myself from them by burping directly at them and shying away from interactions and group based activities. In one instance I hit a female student because she was physically groping me in front of her friends and countless other students and staff for amusement because I was 'difficult' and 'different' and unfortunately caught her attention because I was easy to pick on.
What I have just admitted to are truly horrible things I know and honestly I have tried numerous times to apologise and try to put things right. And although the teaching staff could sympathise with me for taking the actions I took given the circumstances, there is NO EXCUSE for being hurtful to others, which is why I subsequently stopped being deliberately intolerable when pushed around, and tried my best to weather this dreaded storm.
With that said however; at the time I was completely convinced that I was hazardous to everyone and the majority of people were hazardous to me. I just wanted to be a ghost, while in my briefcase (because I freakin' carried one and still have it to this day) I wished and wished that there was a button that I could press to reveal a concealed silenced pistol for my defence and to dispose of the people that were too much for me to tolerate with (this is at the point of time when I despised a lot of people and conjured the 'Racialist' facet in SJBMCPRS). I didn't want people around me or friends because I would be toxic to them and they wouldn't want me to drag them down the 'Spiral of Decline'. Due to this attitude and believing that I wasn't 'designed to have friends', I was (and am to this day) mostly oblivious and naïve to the concept of friendship or any form of relationship.
So you have to believe me when I say that when someone or a couple of people refer to me as a 'friend'; I am truly opposed to the concept and feel like I have been placed in unknown territory. Honestly all I wanted is to provide a use in life as uneventfully and as unknown to as many people as possible and then die. My development in younger life had resulted into a hydra of a human being with numerous facets and a mentality and approach of that of a lone wolf in a black sheep's clothing who could disrupt and endanger one's life. Given what I have said up 'til now, who would disagree? I believe it would be better for everyone if I was gone, gone, gone forever!
...............That notion has barely changed even today..................................................
And yet I must digress and verify 'loosely' that for whatever reason people saw me as a 'friend' and I have tried my best to fulfil that portrayal of a friend. I use the term 'loosely' because the harrowing experiences and the perception of the majority of people being baffling and scary far, far, far outweigh the positives that occurred whilst growing up and trying to get about in life.
Of course things happen and people can alternate, like I began to do when I was in employment (2010-2013). Gone were the masses of people you'd expect in schools and public places; the work environments in the Weymouth and Portland Borough Council and the Asda café in Weymouth were still influenced by people, but not to an unbearable level. Plus I could no longer feel more comfortable with the more senior people at work like I could with the teachers at school because this was the real world now and the younger (and generally more inexperienced) employees outnumbered the senior and I was expected to be hard at work like everyone else (and there is that thing called harassment and I knew I couldn't be as dependant as it would be considered harassment which is very bad!). So I had to adapt and try to get along with people at the same age group as me.
...Which went along okay, except when I tried to tap into the concept of friendship!! Being of the mind-set I was (and still am) and having no godly idea what being a friend meant; I failed and failed and got to the point where I believe that the people I tried to be friends with want me deader than Osama Bin Laden and politics put together! This was due to my 'overbearing' and 'pestering' behaviour when really I was just trying my best to help out (although trying too hard might in hindsight been the cause) despite not knowing or picking up on the things I was doing.
...Then we come to the biggest casualty I have committed unintentionally, but through my actions I caused. While I was working in the later part of 2012, I was finally beginning to take on-board the parameters of being a clueless person with aspergers and believing that I CAN'T be friends with anyone (as a co-worker in a café and as a team member yes, but outside of work, no). Experiences weighed heavily upon me (as they do to this day) and given the stressed and inappropriate working environment that was the Asda café in Weymouth; I figured this is what I deserve for being a terrible person, and this will be my life from now on until the day I die where people all over the world will rejoice knowing that the World's nemesis is dead. And for the most part that was how it was, apart from a friendship I had with another person which started out harmlessly enough, but then due to my actions led to disaster and a never-ending scorching pain that I carry like a permanent tear to the heart.
What made me like this person and convinced me that we were friends? She talked to me. That's it really, but it was when we talked that I felt a connection as it were because the experiences she had were resonating and I could understand what the significance of those experiences. (FYI, I won't mention her name or any names for that matter). So we became friends and I set about trying to "enrich her life for the better" (and I even said this to her because doing good was the best kind of satisfaction for me and I wanted her life to improve).
Sounds familiar doesn't it?
We rarely met outside of work and that was fine because deep down I was scared because I had no idea of what a friend should and shouldn't do, this was new to me and I didn't want to run full speed ahead into something I don't even know. But what happens when you get to know a person that you like? You start mentally running around like a headless chicken because you care about that person and their wellbeing. It didn't help that my friend's living conditions were poor, suffered from depression and at times had thought about suicide.
Seriously; when you know that someone you know has this degree of darkness, cannot find the help they need, and have yourself had experienced or attempted suicide (in my case witnessing my younger brother attempt to kill himself by smothering himself with pillows), it really terrifies me because I can understand the notion and cannot switch off the morbid part of my mentality (i.e. the 'Jes' facet of SJBMCPRS).
In an attempt to bring a little sunshine to the darker moments of my friend's life, I offered to buy her an Xbox 360 with absolutely no strings attached so that she could kill time in a fun manner when otherwise she would be bored and at times miserably depressed. For those reading this; you must understand that I attempted this because I purely wanted to do something that would improve the outlook of my friend's at times bleak life, it wasn't because I had platonic/romantic feelings or anything like that. And yet somehow it came across to my friend that I was doing this because I love her (which wasn't the case and I knew she was in a relationship), but because my idiocy and lack of understanding on the concept of friendship, I didn't know where the line between friend and love interest was, and I didn't care about the Xbox 360 costing me over £200.
Ring any bells yet?
Bottom line; I didn't get my friend an Xbox 360 and we continued as friends while I had somewhat a degree of knowledge of the dos and don'ts in friendships. Instead I would provide music CDs of bands including Paramore and Oasis, along with songs that she told me she liked and would like me to put onto CD for her (the same can be said nowadays because I would offer my company or assist any of my friends who ask me, or tell me about something like providing board games and activity ideas). When Christmas approached we decided to do a 'not so secret, secret Santa' between us which led me to get her an LG Optimus L3 smartphone costing me £59 (thereabouts) because she needed a new phone because her current was faltering (and I provided a micro SD card filled with the music she likes including 'Candy' by Robbie Williams). What was my present you might ask? A wallet (which I never actually got), but that's okay because the feeling of helping my friend out and going my way out to do this for her meant more then the gold in the Fort Knox US Bullion Depository.
But as time went on, obsession on my behalf and the compulsive and paranoid mentality included meant that I became unintentionally overbearing because I would worry if I haven't heard or seen her for a few days. Sounds like I was controlling and perhaps I was but I was time after time worried because I knew of her situation given what she had told me previously. When I learned that the mobile phone I got her was pawned in Cash Generator for money (because she was unemployed at the time), I switched to letters so we could continue communicating with one another (because we didn't see each other that often outside of work and I was still working in the Asda café). But because of my negative and pessimistic nature, I continued to worry and alas, in turn overwhelm her with what I was saying in my letters and doing in an attempt to see her again (which was perceived by several to be stalking). The disastrous end came in the form of a quick letter stating "We can no longer be friends, what you are doing is really scaring me, I can take care of myself and don't need your help, goodbye" (or along those lines, I don't have the letter on me anymore, though I still have the letters that I wrote/typed).
Needless to say I blamed myself and only myself for this demise, and I still do to this day. As wary I was that my actions could be misinterpreted or perceived as stalking, 'bad' and so on, I took the risk because friendship meant that much to me. However because the friendship was a failure, I could never realise that level of happiness and satisfaction again without the unforgiving breeze of disdain rushing past me, reminding me of the wrong I have committed.
To go into a group of young people was (and is still to this day) unnerving and frightening because the despair I feel strengthened and I didn't (and don't) want to infect the participants of the group with my despair and lead them to the 'Spiral of Decline' like I inadvertently did with my previous friend. And yet here I am with friends that to a degree can understand me and still invite me to activities when some or all of us get together. And although that unforgiving breeze of disdain still passes through me; I continue to try to be the friend the group see me as.
But now I find myself obscured by the PRR or warped wall because despite the time I have spent with my friends and tried to explain myself, I find myself in the same loop that has led to disaster before, and I am making mistakes which burden me with despair and regret heavier than any anchor (and not the butter variety). I have absolutely no idea what I can do to overcome my PRR and I can't continue doing what I've been doing because its begun to alienate those around me and may end up causing disaster that I fear is dawning no matter what my intentions are. I can't ask myself what I should and shouldn't be doing with the relationships I have because I have never been so far into the deep unknown which I feel I am in and I feel overwhelmingly scared that I can't ask for help because I'm worried they can't help and that this loop I am in will once again reach its conclusion and spell disaster. The loom bands on my right hand are symbolic to the trust I feel from friends, I don't want them to become the remnants of something beautiful and wonderful that has sunken like the Titanic.
I want to stop history from repeating itself because the friends I have now are truly wonderful people and they provide me the opportunities I require to help me break this compulsive behaviour of self-destruction and hurting others or opting to wander into nothingness instead. I am putting my hands up admitting I have a problem (I have many I admit, but this matter is really important) and I require help, tolerance and patience from my friends. I don't want to be the lone wolf in black sheep's clothing any longer, I want to enrich the lives of my friends for the better without the drawbacks or cons and I don't want to go along a path with disaster looming at the end. If I cannot maintain my relationships with my friends, then there's absolutely no hope for me at all in the future, because enriching people's lives for the better through whatever means is an ambition of mine but if I can't overcome the warped wall, I can't proceed onto the next stage of life or fulfil that ambition that provides the satisfaction I crave and need to say to myself "no, I am not going to be my usual self because I have made someone's day and it feels great".
If I can become a better friend and sustain healthier relationships where I am less scared of stepping further away from my reclusive safety net, then its possible I can someday establish (a) permanent relationship(s) for the future (whether they be with more friends or with someone I get closer to if you catch my drift (not that I am looking for that at this moment of time!), and in turn have the confidence and ability to re-establish meaning in the relationships I have with family members.
Okay, I've put my hands up admitting my flaw; and I hope there is a means of salvation. In doing this particular post; I have peeled away at the deeper layers of my mentality (as in like peeling away the layers of an onion) and been honest about things I am ashamed of and struggle with. For all that read this post, I hope this has made sense (because I do have the habit of coming up with BS like making a Great Wall of China equivalent out of banana peels so that I can bounce into space and land on Mars so I can plant a garden). Usually I would say by now "don't take any of this too seriously", but this time around I am fully serious in the contents of this post and I hope it can be beneficial in understanding the f***ing messed up conundrum that is me.
Until next time, see ya!
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