“The only way to predict
the future is to have power to shape the future.” – Eric Hoffer
Saturday, 31 December 2016
MMXVII prognostication – SJBMCPRS Diagnoses
Disclaimer: The
following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and
is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which
people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post
will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along
with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.
Alright;
let’s get the easy stuff out of the way... Happy New Year (in 2017), best
wishes to all ...blah, blah, blah. ...And in case some are looking at the title
of this post and thinking “huh?”, MMXVII is 2017 in roman numeral.
Got
that? Good, we can move on. To what in 2017, I don’t know for sure, because I am
not a fortune-teller with a crystal ball striving to learn everything in
advance so that I can win the national lottery, and place bets on which
celebrity dies next. That said, it would be very useful to have that kind of ability
to see into the future, so that I won’t be as shocked or taken by surprise when
something in life occurs, plus I would be rich! Alas; like a rubber ducky in a
bathtub on Mars suddenly transforming into a flying robot that takes the shape
of the next United States of America elect (after Donald Trump’s years as
President are over), ...me getting psychic powers and becoming rich isn’t going
to happen. Shame really, because I really would like a new space hopper, and I
think America at least will be more satisfied with a transforming rubber ducky as
President compared to what they will get in 2017. But hey, at least there will
be more anime in the form of Dragon Ball Super, the newly announced Yu-Gi-Oh
series, and Star Wars episode eight (8) in cinemas, that has to count for
something to some people, right?
So,
there’s a chance that more of people’s favourite celebrities/famous people will
be checking in to Death’s retirement home (or putting it simply, dying) in 2017,
and there will be mourning. And yet as ‘tragic’ and ‘unfair’ people may say
deaths are, it is an inevitable reality that comes for everyone when it’s time.
Sure, someone passes, but that doesn’t mean life for every fan ends at that
precise moment, because there is more to life than one (1) or a few significant
people that starred in films, write music or did something admirable being no
longer around. ...At least I hope the majority of people are wise enough to
move on with their lives, and don’t become entirely obsessed over a loss of
someone else. As devastating as my Mum’s and Dad’s deaths will be on me and the
rest of my family when they pass on, I am wise enough to know it’s going to
happen someday, and that I will adapt to not having the greatest people around,
and be able to appreciate even the smallest of gems like during Boxing Day in
2016 where my Dad unwrapped a tin of garden peas and a HMV gift card, which as
intended; was for fun, and brought joy to the whole family knowing that my Dad
doesn’t like peas. So, while there are people mourning the recent loss of
individuals like Carrie Fisher and Rick Parfitt (from the band Status Quo), it
isn’t all doom and gloom as their achievements will continue to exist (and be
exploited). In conclusion to this paragraph I state that as ‘bad’ as 2016 was
for celebrity deaths, it is no different from previous years and future years
to come, therefore we as people should accept that things happen, and people
die.
But
while it’s a guarantee that there will be people that die in 2017, and other
happenstances like temperature changes are also going to happen; forecasting
what else may or may not happen in 2017 is not as easy. Let’s focus on New Year’s
resolutions since it is a good example of when one (1) might make assumptions
or plans. A hypothetical resolution that one (1) person might make on New Year’s
Eve (2016) is to get into better physical shape after having a week or so of
celebrations during the holiday season. Its cliché yes, but not unrealistic,
because it’s based on attributes that influence one’s processes to make that
implied resolution. If for example I could comfortably wear my preferred shirt
prior to Christmas, but then afterwards could no longer wear it as comfortably
because I put on some pounds consuming Christmas holiday food, then I will
mentally realise this as a fault of my own doing and resolve to correct the
fault by losing some pounds (as in a unit to measure someone’s size, not as in
the currency used in the United Kingdom). The purpose of fulfilling this
resolution has more significance than just bragging rights, because mentally
you overcome a boundary that inhibits you from something that you want; in the
case of the example given above, losing enough pounds to once again wear the
preferred shirt has a more profound beneficial effect then the alternative
which would be to buy a new and bigger shirt.
Why
is this the case? To put it simply it is because we ‘program’ our own brains to
recognise particular things such as a preference to a particular shirt over a
new shirt, or preferring salt and vinegar flavoured crisps than cheese and
onion flavoured crisps. The brain houses neurons which are ‘calibrated’ through
are actions and experiences to recognise signals that comply to unique patterns.
For instance; a person with experience of eating Cadbury Heroes, and Mars
Celebrations during Christmas Day will be able to tell which confectionery from
the other through taste and memory because different sweets trigger different
patterns, which is processed and stimulated in the brain. The effect of our
actions and experiences create ‘memory’ within the neurons in the brain, and
the more we associate with implied item, the more that particular pattern sticks.
This is why someone can recall something they learned during school more so
then something they might have only heard five (5) or so minutes ago, because a
particular topic in school is more likely to be repeated like how to multiply
numbers, and then used in tests, thus the unique pattern for said topic is ‘stored’
in the neurons, and the brain is capable of recognising the data it is receiving.
Neurology
lesson aside; going back to the shirt example above, I am more likely to go to
my preferred shirt and go through the effort to fit comfortably in the preferred
shirt as implied by the hypothetical resolution, because my mind identifies the
preferred shirt over an alternative through the unique and profound pattern of
signals that are stored in the neurons in my brain. The same process is
universal with any particular item, and works the same way for anyone’s brain.
That said there is more to it than that, because achieving a goal or New Year’s
resolution also produces a chemical called dopamine which is a natural and beneficial
stimulant for the body. Fulfilling the implied hypothetical resolution
regarding losing weight in order to fit comfortably in a preferred shirt produces
dopamine which creates a ‘reward’ that is associated with feeling satisfied and
motivated.
In
truth, a New Year’s resolution is no different than any goal one (1) might make
at any time. And since the title of this post uses the word ‘prognostication’ which
is associated with words such as ‘predict’ and ‘think’ (according to
thesaurus.com), it will come to no surprise that I have thought about what may
occur in 2017 as well as what I would like to accomplice, based on experiences
from 2016.
To
state that 2016 hosted a number of ‘challenges’ for me to overcome and moments
I would like to forget would be defining my interpretation of 2016 vaguely. Ultimately,
I have weathered the storm, and have been able to express myself via posts made
in 2016 about particular events such as the Comic-con in Bournemouth, the
mental health awareness art exhibition, ...and the family holiday in Hastings
on July to celebrate my Dad’s 60th Birthday. Littered among these particular
events are countless moments of self-rationalisation where I perceive happenstances
and outcomes in different and mostly negative manners. The question: ‘what the
blue and silver, five-legged, smothered in sellotape and kitchen roll paper H***
was I thinking?!’ popped into my mind during numerous situations, and in some circumstances,
I’m still unable to answer myself.
To
put in perspective; 2015 was monumental for my development, and 2016 was monstrously
ambitious. 2017 already is intimidating with one (1) major challenge in the
form of finding somewhere new to live, however when I consider what was done in
2016, I psychologically feel dwarfed by the immense uncertainty that also
awaits me in 2017. You see its one (1) thing to be wary of a tremendous challenge
looming ahead, it’s another thing entirely to mentally stare at the seemingly
shapeless invisible path that I will be traversing across in the next 365 days
with unyielding apprehension. I could tell myself that I am in a better place than
where I was at the start of 2016 due to having excelled myself by making art
pieces for the mental health awareness exhibition, and gaining more trust from
my friends, but doing so would put me in a false sense of security, for these ‘foundations’
could very easily crumble and break apart due to something I constantly fear I
will inevitably do. For all I know, 2016 could be in hindsight the very best
year I had, whereas 2017 could be the year where everything turns to s*** infused
with Flubber and hits the fan, and then shoots back and hits me!
(Record abruptly stopping
sound) The clock has just changed to ’00:00 01/01/2017’. Time for my first (1st)
objective of 2017: stop and listen in silence to Shangri-La (Piano Ballad
Version) performed by Asami Imai.
(Six (6) minutes and five
(5) seconds later) ....................curse people celebrating with fireworks!
The disruption spoils the experience.
Being
apprehensive isn’t anything new for me and admittedly as much as I dislike
surprises (particularly the awful kind) and not knowing how happenstances are
going to unfold, this has pretty much been the case every time a new year rolls
in, and it won’t be any different this year in 2017. Whereas I know a couple of
things, and have established certain aspects of my life from 2016 which will
carry on into 2017, I try to keep things as simple and minimal as possible to
alleviate the damage and fear of ruining everything, as well as giving myself
enough space to breath when something unexpected develops. Even with that
stated; I cannot deny that I would like certain things to happen, as well as
attempt to achieve certain objectives. I could very much state what these
ambitions are and how I would like to shape my future, however I am fully aware
that saying ‘I want this’ to happen or ‘I want to do this’ won’t make it into a
reality. It’s not like I have a genie in a lamp waiting to grant me three (3) wishes,
or a monkey’s paw to do the same thing. As the quotation from Eric Hoffer (at
the top of this post) implies, one (1) must have the ability to make his or her
own future. While I will try to mould 2017 in a manner that I would find
preferable, establishing one’s (1) own future isn’t as easy as forming a cup
out of moulding clay.
But
then that’s half the fun, right? Making it up along the way, or something along
the lines of what some people might say. I like a lot of people will be
traversing upon the yet unfathomable road of 2017 with uncertainty, and while
there are people who will march into each day with a smile and seemingly infinite
optimism, I cannot afford to be naïve, and to have zero (0) regard for
consequences. For now, it is simply too soon to make assumptions (other than
the negative assumptions), but perhaps if I can maintain the current flow of
how everything in my life is throughout January (2017); I might have a clearer
picture of what else awaits me. ...Or I could still be facing an enormous
question mark (?) with no way of prophesying what is still to come. ...Or I
could be antagonised over the littlest of things that shouldn’t make me mad at
people, but does. ...Or I could inadvertently break my glasses and pay a
metaphorically an arm and a leg for new glasses. ...Or I could find myself in a
issue with family where I will have to provide emergency funds that I will not
get back. ...Or I could be standing at one (1) end of a burnt bridge having
tarnished everything inadvertently through my own stupidity.
A
new year full of apprehension... Yay... (FYI
this is meant to be a sarcastic remark).
Oh,
what fun awaits in 2017; especially when it comes to Christmas Day and Boxing
Day in 2017 where I can expect more weirdness that will make the loaf of bread
I got for a present seem tame in comparison (seriously this did happen in
2016!). This is where I will conclude this post as I must stop before I go even
madder and state even more ‘...Or I’ scenarios, or plan a delightfully evil
retaliation in the form of a Toblerone that has been in a freezer for a week as
a Boxing Day present! In the meantime, feel free to comment, or imply your own
perceptions, and until next time, see ya!
Thursday, 15 December 2016
Unquantified irrationality – SJBMCPRS Diagnoses
Disclaimer: The
following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and
is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which
people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post
will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along
with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.
I
am not going to lie; I am rather stupid, but not in the way that is perceived
as mentally incapable, clumsy, or whatever word is appropriate to describe
those who are more like Pinky rather than the Brain. Contrary to a stigma given
to me by doctors at a very young age, who thought I would have the mental
capacity of a toddler at the age of eighteen (18); I am quite capable of
handling myself in everyday activities and happenstances, and through
experiences have learnt when to back away when a situation turns as sour as a
jar of sweet and sour left at a rubbish tip without a lid for three (3) years.
That said however, I am no genius and I have made many stupid decisions, and
there’s an exceptional chance that I will make more irrational or shirt-sighted
decisions in the future.
The
thing is though while that can be said for anyone and that it’s a circumstance
encountered through life; I am of the opinion that I am not of sound mind when
it comes to perceiving not only myself, but also the world that I see. There is
a notion of uneasiness within myself, that perceives many matters and
happenstances as asinine. For instance; my 'good' intentions are deemed foolishly
short-sighted mentally, because I can't help but think of worse case scenarios,
only to be subsequently ridiculed in hindsight. Throughout the course of
providing posts on the SJBMCPRS Report; I have not been shy of condemning
myself, and its somewhat a cliché that this point. Heck; it’s a compulsive
trait of mine and kind of satisfying to mentally kick my own backside for all
the daft things I’ve done as well as the things I believe have gone wrong as a
result of my actions. Did I mention I am of the opinion that I am not of sound
mind?
It
is unfortunate however that I feel there is an unspeakable amount of absurdity,
not just from me but in an unquantified number of things around me. I would
like to think that the only thing ‘wrong’ in the world is me, and that every
conceivable problem will be solved with by eradication... but that’s an asinine
thought because in reality I am (somehow) not accountable for everything that
is ‘wrong’.
(Record
abruptly stopping sound) …What a terrifying realisation! In the moment, it’s
taken people to come back to their senses; the Guinness World Records has a new
record for the longest period of silence, Christmas (in 2016) has passed, and
Santa Claus has passed away from starvation due to not finding any milk and
cookies left for him to consume.
Now
before people take arms and break down my door with the desire to spill my
blood, ...I should stress that I don’t think what someone else is doing is
asinine, and that there are foolish as a result. I wouldn't go up to someone
and say "hey that is really stupid and your stupid because of your
stupidity". I acknowledge that people make choices that may or may not
work out, and the last thing people want is for someone to ridicule them for
every single thing that happens. Sure; I can mentally think that 'this is
asinine' or think negatively about someone, but then that's my perception. I
can't help but see things in negative ways, and I cannot prevent myself for
making assumptions about myself, and what I do that are deemed asinine.
But
let’s be more realistic now; I don’t like a lot of things, and that’s no
different from other people. I can dislike something or someone and express my
opinion just like anyone essentially can. I could write down a list of things I
would do differently opposed to something I didn’t like, and I have expressed
my thoughts often enough on the posts found on the SJBMCPRS Report. This is
nothing new, and people have their means to express themselves as well, and do
so. So would it REALLY be all that shocking that I perceive an unquantified
amount of matters as ‘stupid’, ‘wrong’, ‘not to my liking’ and so on? The
answer to that question is ‘yes’, but with a note of caution because people may
react in a manner that is disproportionate to the circumstances, i.e. people
can get offended by something that is merely expressive and not intended to
cause offense. That’s not a hypothetical scenario of extreme proportions, it is
sadly a realistic circumstance that quite frankly is scary. So with that in
mind, I will share a couple of examples of what irks me with the intention of
explaining the purpose for this post.
Aside
from disliking people in general, being in a place crammed with people, myself,
instances that disrupt my processes/flow, surprises, political correctness, and
people being naive about how ‘this video game’ is ‘offensive’ and ‘it has to be
banned’, ...all of which I have mentioned in the past in previous posts; I groan
with things that I generally like as well. For instance: I cannot stand James
Ellsworth in WWE, and I don’t like it when the WWE forces their will upon me as
a part of an audience in spite of clear opposition i.e. the insistence of Roman
Reigns (nothing against the person in
real life, but I grew up watching the product and understood why audiences were
taking a dislike to previous attempts of WWE forcing their will, and having
learned this, I can tell what’s bulls*** and who and what is preferable).
I
might be an outsider in feeling this way but there are things about Pokémon Sun
and Moon that I do not like, such as the ‘removal’ of HMs (Hidden Machines),
and the ability to teach these multi-use moves to Pokémon I WANT to use. I don’t
particularly like Charizard, I never cared or liked Machamp, Tauros, Stoutland,
and when I think of Pokémon that can swim/use Surf on water, I don’t think of
having a Lapras or a Sharpedo. Why must I use Pokémon I don’t want? Why reduce
my team of Pokémon to just battling? While its convenient that these HMs are
swapped to Pokémon that a trainer can ‘hire’ as opposed to taking up a vital
space in a Pokémon’s move list, some moves are very effective to use in battles
as well, such as Surf and Fly. Additionally, having a team in previous
generations of Pokémon games that you have to battle and help you traverse across
water and bypass obstacles likes trees and large stones makes the team feel
more crucial to you as a trainer and three (3) dimensional to the player. An
Azumarill in Generation six (6) with great HP, good Water and Fairy moves, and
can use Surf in and out of battle means a great deal to me as a player because
this Azumarill is dependable, special and endearing. In Generation seven (7)
however, an Azumarill is just another Pokemon I use for battling, that’s it,
and that goes for other Pokemon I like and would use. In Gen seven (7) the
Pokemon feel more like ...tools rather than a team of companions you can go
wherever and do whatever with in the Pokemon world. A fancy new Z-Move is
really just a waste of time and effort, when a super-effective move like Surf will
do the trick just as well. No more does this dismaying effect become apparent
when you use Machamp to bypass large stones... the player’s character/avatar looks
so lazy and entitled to be carried while the Machamp literally and visually
does the player’s bidding. Ugh! I think I’ll stick to previous generations.
Characters
like Hau and Professor Kukui are obnoxious for me. When I see those care-free
grins and happy-go-lucky theme songs associated with these characters, it feels
like I’m Dracula and I am being exposed to sunlight and holy water consistently
(which is bad!). I get it; it’s a video game that appeals to all ages (mainly
younger audiences), and therefore a smile rather than a frown upon a character
is more inviting for a player, but amongst what feels like a more serious plot
with Aether Paradise the goofy yet enjoyable Team Skull, I’d expect a more
serious tone and for characters to show appropriate emotions like Lillie and
Gladion, rather than a grinning, and energetically sociopath like Hau. I know
the player’s character isn’t much better with his/her one (1) expression fits
all look, but then the player’s character has remained universally blank for many,
many games so that the player can to imagine themselves as that character
exploring the world within the video game, thus it makes sense.
Lastly
for Pokemon Sun and Moon; the character customisation is lacklustre. Limiting
particular colours depending which version of the game you have? That’s irrational
bulls***, and the lacking variety of clothing and styles for your
character/avatar feels like a step backwards from Pokemon X and Y. There are
other points of contention here and there, but ultimately its not going to make
me angry and spew unnecessary nonsense like ’Screw you Game Freak! It’s a horrible
game!!’, because despite its faults, it’s still a tremendous Pokemon game and
without a doubt its easily the second (2nd) best game of 2016 I’ve
experienced.
The
examples given above are just a few amongst the many matters that I don’t like,
though these asinine instances are not so antagonising that I angrily complain
and rant about depending change. The reason for this is simply because I know it’s
not a deal-breaker and the straight forward solution for me is to turn my
attention elsewhere. I might not like certain elements with the WWE right now,
but then it’s never been perfect and I know that I can take the parts I want to
know and see, rather than watch the product in full filled with triteness every
week. If I hear the happy-go-lucky songs in Pokemon Sun and Moon (and in other
media), I have the option to turn the volume off and listen to something else
like the Harry Potter audiobooks, or the anime movie soundtrack for Kimi no Na
wa (Your Name). I might not like the fact that I have to get another external
hard drive for my Xbox One due to a lack of available space, but frankly with
the Xbox One I am better off with this approach rather than having to
compromise with the alternative option known as the PlayStation 4 and its more
problematic hard drive issues. I might question from time to time the absurd
reasoning for why Constructor HD, and Bloodstained: Ritual of The Night have
been delayed, but I have other options to fill the time, and that the stupidest
option I could make is to obsess over something that simply isn’t ready.
With
this in mind; I am actively trying to take this approach with other instances
and matters like going out for a meal at a restaurant/café. Personally, I think
its daft paying an arm and a leg for food that has such a fancy foreign name
that I cannot pronounce correctly, whilst feeling a little uncomfortable being
in a place where there are other people. Call me a hermit crab, but I do prefer
my own space and am content with bargain food found in supermarkets. I do
understand though that these meals at restaurants/cafes are for special
occasions and are infrequent which means I can tolerate these situations, in
spite of what I personally feel.
I
know I will have to take this approach very soon when it comes to Christmas
Day, and Boxing Day in 2016, ...and come equipped with my headphones! The
endless Christmas songs, overblown giddiness, rowdiness, and eye-rolling when I
hear the rest of my family groan that they feel their efforts and contributions
are inferior to my contributions. ...(sigh)
The reason that is stupid is because despite my family knowing that I do what I
do for occasions like Christmas and I am happy with what I receive along with
the hospitality, they STILL moan and complain when this has been a stable of
knowing for YEARS. Only they feel this is a problem, to which I say: ‘build a
bridge and get over it’, because its tedious bickering, and it spoils the occasion.
The moment my family stops groaning, is the moment I find myself confronted
with one (1) less occurrence of absurdity.
If
only other people in the rest of the world can take a chill-pill and think
before presenting themselves as irrational headless chickens. I may not watch
television and the news coverage on dedicated news programs these days, but it
doesn’t mean I am safe from the eye-rolling nonsense that transcends everywhere
else in all its triteness. Did you know about the United States presidential
election of 2016? How could I not know... it was every-freakin’-where! News
coverage, live reactions, constant analysis, slander, advertisement, campaign
videos, and so on. This was built up so much, it came across as if this was the
end of the world with a 1000 ft. Gumshoos (from Pokémon Sun and Moon) wrestling
the unrelenting Rhea (from mythology) for supremacy (okay that is an exaggeration, but it would have made the whole matter far
more interesting). Now with the
results in, and Donald ‘Gumshoos’ Trump winning the overall vote, the outcry is
STILL spouting about how the end is night and how we are doomed. I’m going to
shrug my shoulders and let whatever transpires unfold, not much I can do about
it. The majority of US voters wanted Trump as the next US President, and the
people who opposed made their decision that didn’t work out. In a way they have
all contributed to create this situation, and if anyone is to blame them my
advice is to take a good long like in a mirror. If Donald Trump does indeed
mean the end of the world, then it is what it is. Matters not to me who is the
next president of the United States, or the next Government, king or queen,
they’re all just playing pieces on the chessboard like us with the ability to
call upon the rapture, the end of days and in the meantime, contribute to the
circumstances that shape our lives. It would be more peaceful if the countless
voices across the globe providing 24/7 coverage of events zipped their mouths
and allowed a moment of respite.
Of
course, that won’t happen. If it’s not about the people ln charge of ‘running’
the world, it’s something else. In this day and age where people have video
recording mobile devices and the internet in the palm of their hands; literally
anything can spread and go viral. This is scary enough, but when a fad that
should have died away after its fifth-teen (15) minutes of fame is still being
mentioned long past its expiry date, its then I just face-palm, or as King Ross
of WhatCulture implies by saying ‘I push my fingers into my eyes’. In the same
way that tired employees feel annoyed by having to be held up from returning
home after a training session in order to fill out a questionnaire and feedback
slip asking trivial things like ‘how did you think the session went?’ and ‘what
do you think could improve future training sessions?, the exasperated and stern
glare of an tired employee wanting nothing more than to be at home will
elaborate how I feel when something so asinine is mentioned to me. This is
another level of absurdity; things like Harambe, social outrage over the 2016
Ghostbusters, VR (Virtual Reality) and every other fad that has been brought up
that should’ve keeled over and drowned in a cesspool but hasn’t, is just
another reminder of why I cannot tolerate society for long periods of time.
It’s
my perception that we as people pay attention to one (1) certain thing, and
subsequently move on the newest instance that attracts attention. While I am a
person and therefore am prone to being captivated by something, I like to think
I do not dwell on matters that are not significant to me. At most; I’ll hear
something, subsequently decide if it’s important to me, and 9/10 I turn my
attention to something else. When it comes to fads however; the publicity and
attention that draws people in prolong something that doesn’t need to be
remembered twenty (20) minutes later. I know that’s my interpretation, and I am
perfectly fine being alone in thinking this way. I will find ways to block out what
I feel is asinine (which at this point seems like quite a lot), ...just don’t
bring up an asinine matter to my face, because I may shrug it off in a coldly
manner and quote Ebenezer Scrooge by saying “Bah!
Humbug!”.
With
the festive season drawing closer, I shall conclude this post as all of us will
need to prepare for the weeks coming. The dawn of 2017 is approaching, as to
what 2017 will mean is yet to be determined, though it is a reasonable
assumption that people everywhere will have their means of traversing across
the unfolding road ahead. I will no doubt try, as long as situations do not
turn sour, and the number of irrational instances do not overwhelm. For now; feel
free to comment or imply your own perceptions, and until next time, see ya!
“You can't fix stupid.” – Ron White
As
much as I would enjoy the completely ridiculous idea of everyone sticking their
pitchforks and torches of fire upon the World’s Nemesis (i.e. me) for the
salvation of everyone and everything... I have to concede that the problems the
world faces are quintessentially beyond my control and other people’s control
as well. The problems we as people (past, present, and future) all face are
circumstances that we over time have knowingly or unknowingly allowed to
happen. And while its super-duper easy to blame someone or lash out in fury for
things that are perceived to be ‘wrong’’ (especially
in the digital age where its to be expected of small-minded people to cry out
over trivial things that aren’t meant to offend) the reality is something
or someone is ‘wrong’ only because said thing doesn’t meet are preferences or
requirements, and that we allow ourselves to fall into an unfavourable
situation.
With
all this being stated, along with instances of irritations mentioned in
previous posts like my dislike for the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy, and the
ruckus caused by SJWs; it’s safe to assume I won’t be sending golly Christmas
cards out to those people and establishments who are accountable for causing
the unquantified amount of irrationality that exists. Putting it simply; the amount
of Christmas cards I would have to write and send out would be far, far too
many, as well as impractical given how many stupid things there are. Bear in
mind though that this post highlights some of my encounters with irrational
instances and events, and that number is only going to grow as events unfold on
a daily basis. Regardless whether I make any coherent sense or merely come
across as a moody self-centred monstrosity; its not just me who finds any
number of things and instances ‘wrong’, ‘unlikable’, ‘absurd’ etc. Agree or
disagree; there’s no escaping the fact that everyone has thoughts on matters,
circumstances, and happenstances that transpire. Need proof? Perhaps you will
find all the proof one’s requires through the use of the internet, and maybe
then you can interpret what you’ll find in your own way. ...Just don’t expect
to find a cure for what can be defined as ‘stupid’ because it can be applied to
anyone or anything with the slightest of effort. Its effectively everywhere!
Monday, 24 October 2016
Depicting awkwardness and weakness – SJBMCPRS Diagnoses
Disclaimer: The
following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and
is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which
people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post
will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along
with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.
“Growth begins when we
begin to accept our own weakness.” - Jean Vanier
When
a situation arises, how do you come out of a stammering and uncertain moment? How
do you make the connection with people around you? Why is it easier to talk to
some people then others? How do we make the moments of awkwardness morph into
moments of cooperation? How do you say what you want to say correctly? Why is
it when we say or do something, that we fall on our own swords and fail? If you
had the choice, what would be your final words?
...What
is it you want out of life?
Do
we know all the answers for every time there is a situation in life? No, it has
to be accepted that you don't have all the answers, and that not everything
happens as one (1) expects it to. But when faced with a situation that evokes
uncertainty and cannot be so easily answered without something ‘wrong’
subsequently happening, is it ludicrous to think that avoidance is the
remedy?
Think
about the significance of a decision, or reaction has in a situation, and
consider what experiences you’ve had up to this moment. What has worked before,
and what hasn’t. ...Your expectations and instincts. All of these factors, and
more are merely variables, or pieces of a puzzle that depict a situation that
has yet to form clearly. And yet; the things that matter most cannot be ignored
such as one’s personal feelings and so on, which are in-turn affected by the
outcome of a situation. Thus, one (1) would react in a manner to a situation
that is perceived by the self to be ‘right’.
(Record abruptly stopping
sound) This means for all the headaches that stem from people who shove their
perceptions of what is ‘right’ into society, and influence the seemingly
never-ending sewage of ‘beliefs’ and ‘truths’ flooding every nook and cranny
available, are in fact deciding to react to a situation to which either
involves them or influences them. I suppose that means the ‘SJWs’, and people
who react unreasonably are validated in that sense, though I must digress as my
choices of words and feelings as implied in previous posts remain, and I try to
remain as calmly oblivious in spite of what constantly feels like a persistent
an annoying wasp circling my head.
So,
with that in mind; I want to visually describe what I mean by projecting a
mental image of what a situation can come across as. Picture a road as a
representation of one’s journey through life. The vehicle you drive along this
road is an avatar that defines you, and in-turn also represents other people in
different vehicles going along the same road known as life. As time goes on,
your vehicle avatar changes as does you through life. Along the process of
life, you have taken multiple directions based on your interpretation of what
feels right for you, and have come across roundabouts (or an intersection in
other words). With a roundabout; you are presented with multiple directions to
which you choose one (1) to traverse upon.
With
me so far?
As
you mentally portray the road as the journey through life; picture also a
roundabout as a situation to which your decision/reaction dictates what happens
afterwards, or in other words; which direction your life goes. Say for example
the situation is the result of an ongoing argument where your best friends are
‘bickering’ about their choices after graduation. Person A is going to
university, and is promoting how taking this route is the ‘right’ choice that
is second to none. Person B however already has a steady job, and has looked
into getting you a job in the same establishment, thus feels competent that choosing
this choice is the ‘best’ option. You have yet to decide which path is the one
for you, but neither best friend makes it any easier for you as they rant
profusely against one (1) another, and swear to break away from you if you
don’t go with their choice. Do you go into further education and side with
person A which pleases person A; but upsets person B, because person B
interprets your choice as a preference towards person A and that it means the
relationship between you and person B is dropped and shattered like a diamond
falling off a perilously tall peak. Do you fancy your chances with employment
and take person B’s offer; which pleases person B, but makes person A
disappointed and betrayed by you. Do you opt for your own choice which you feel
is the ‘right’ decision, but consequentially deters both your best friends? Or
do you go around in circles flummoxed by the perilous decision that awaits you,
all the while seeing those options appear more and more distant. Whichever
decision you make, it comes at a cost whether to one (1) of your best friends,
or personal aspiration.
Now
that above is a hypothetical scenario, but a scenario that could occur in
reality. As fictional and school teen show like it seems, almost all fiction is
based on some kind of reality, much like comedy is said to be based on some
form of misery. Because of this, a scenario like this can provide a troubling
prospect as the outcome affects you significantly in more ways than one (1).
Consider for example that the choice of going to university with person A means
the financial disadvantage you may find (because universities are expensive),
as well as the possibility that this choice doesn’t work out for you as hoped.
The same can be said for the choice of finding employment with person B; just
because person B said that he/she has looked into getting you a job at the same
establishment, doesn’t mean it’s a guarantee, and may not yield the outcome as
desired. While some implications were implied by both person A and person B
regarding their choices for you, not every implication was. In many regards
this is true about real-life decisions because you don’t always get all the
answers you require t0o make the decision that you think is the ‘right’ choice.
Nor are you made aware of the potential implications and consequences involved
in making a decision, until later on due to hindsight. And not every situation
is the same; in one (1) situation you could be deciding innocently enough between
a sandwich or a slice of fresh pizza, and in another situation, you could have
your back against the wall choosing whether or not to be truthful with someone
significant about something very crucial.
However,
the abundance of awkwardness is not an exclusive attribute. It is a notion that
can affect anyone. You can't avoid awkwardness, and neither can anyone for that
matter. That said, it will affect people in different ways, and some people are
more prone to discomfiture then others. Nevertheless, awkwardness (or whichever
word one (1) wishes to use) isn't a bad thing, it is a part of life regardless,
and know it’s not only you who experiences it.
In
the instances where we can affect the course of our lives and perhaps another
person's or several others' lives, it is up to you how you react. How you react
becomes the basis for subsequent reactions whether it’s you responding to
something you said or did, or someone else responds. Even if you can't grasp
the situation fully or perceive the outcomes good or bad; an outcome is inevitable,
regardless if you were ready for it or not. Life is crammed full of seemingly
infinite happenstances, it cannot stop, even though there will be moments where
it feels like life or everything around you have grinded to a halt. Up until
the eventual moment where it does seem to end in death however, there will be countless
instances that you'll make, or are made by other means regardless if you are
aware of them or not.
Though
in some instances, the prospect of a situation and circumstances may have a
significant effect on one's desires. For some life is a passage for them to
make something out of themselves. To be remembered, to overcome, to love etc.
Such desires can be affected however by something unexpected, thus placing you
in a situation you feel unready to respond to. A bad outcome can disrupt your
course, or worse ruin them entirely and lead you down an alternate path where
there is nothing else but obsession over the thing you wanted is lost. On the
other hand, a positive outcome will make the transaction to normality seamlessly,
despite the 'hiccup'. But how do you know the choice(s) you make was the
correct or incorrect one? You don't. Your involvement is just another variable
along with many other variables (such as other people's choice(s), or
environmental) that you cannot influence.
Suddenly
the prospect of uncertainty seems daunting, doesn't it? Thus, the sensation of
awkwardness, and the possibility that your actions help determine whether you
land on that double-edged sword or not. Worry not though as this is a natural
sensation that occurs with everyone (as implied earlier in this post), and I
would be unreasonable if I said it doesn’t affect me more than others. How one
(1) manages situations is partially affected by one's reaction, and the other
factors included, and situations may vary in terms of significance.
But
does that moment of uncertainty found in daily instances evoke a sense of dread
or fear? To countless people, that would not be a ridiculous notion. I
certainly cannot deny my pessimism or uncomfortableness knowing that a
situation can unfold in a manner that I cannot comprehend. Nor can I deny that
beneath the facade that people see, lies a person of insecurities and trepidation.
One
(1) of my many flaws/weaknesses stems from my reactions to situations involving
interactions with people I know and don't know. It could be thought that the
uneasiness would be worse with people of whom I do not know, and have no
concern for then with those significant to me. After all, people that are
significant and have gotten used to the atrocity that is me, would know what to
expect from me and in turn I would know better through experience. If anything,
though, I ...find that it’s even harder when interacting with people
significant to me.
No
more has this become apparent than in the weeks leading up to this moment of
time. My efforts to interact, and maintain a facade have been tested greatly as
I placed myself in situations where I am exposed to the perceptions of
audiences. Case in point; from the 10th to the 14th of October, there was an
art exhibition in the Weymouth Library to promote awareness of mental health,
and I among others provided material to be presented to audiences. Given the
complexities of my contributions; a la the eight (8) sided dice called the 'Eight
faces of Interpretation', 'the board game depicting mental health called ‘A
passage to mental health', and much documentation; I felt it was important to
be present for periods of time throughout the course of the exhibition, so I
can explain to audiences what my contributions mean, in spite of documentation
being present to explain everything on my behalf. Sure, enough this mindset
proved accurate as several people took interest and asked questions, and while
I was mentally wishing people would read the documentation rather than putting
me in situations of awkwardness, I assumed rightly that not everyone would have
had the time to examine the thousands of words I had written/typed in the
provided documentation. This experience exemplified the intention implied in
the post ‘Translating the incomprehensible?’; to which using other means to
express yourself rather than just using written/typed words, such as through visual
representation can make audiences comprehend what is to be expressed to them
more effective.
Needless
to say, however; it was an enduring process, which was only intensified when
pictures were taken, and I find myself pictured in a newspaper article a week
later. ...ugh! And all the compliments ...and references to me being artistic...!
Ugh! ...Will someone or something hit me over the head with a scale sized zebra
made out of steel already! Don’t get me wrong, acknowledgment and compliments
is important, and it’s great for the other people who contributed to the
exhibition to receive recognition...
...just don’t direct any of it at me because I
feel out of place enough already! I mean would you like it if I scrape my hand against
a chalk board, or scratched plateware with a metallic object such as a spoon,
again and again?! That’s how it feels to me; and I am no fan of it, as I am
sure not many people are.
But
that's just one (1) particular event, of which won't be replicated in terms of
length and intensity for a while... What about everyday instances; particularly
when I am situations involving interactivity with people significant to me? Now
in these situations the turmoil I feel is intensified, because I have certain condemning
perceptions of myself, and thus perceive myself as the worst being that these
people have the unfortunate displeasure of having to interact with. Even with
friends and family; I still feel this way, and that's as likely to change as my
head transforming into a vacuum cleaner larger than the entirety of Mt Everest!
Even
after I explain myself and it appears that I have managed to 'settle in'
amongst my friends and family, those instances of awkwardness and weakness occur
persistently. That's not because these people are making it difficult for me to
interact with, far from it, these people are tremendous, and I am extremely
fortunate that they tolerate me. The moments of awkwardness, unknowing, and
uneasiness comes from my own insecurities, and failed experiences. Try as I
might to benefit the lives of my friends and family for the better, and do what
is perceived as 'right' to the best of my abilities; I constantly feel like the
bubble could pop at any moment, and everything goes fearfully wrong.
I
am content with doing what I do, and worry not so much about possible
repercussions to myself as long as I am satisfying the people significant to
me. However; I am fearful that the bliss I feel from doing 'good' can
subsequently turn into the nightmare, which I feel is alas inevitable. I could
have the best intentions when presenting a birthday present, or gift of generosity;
but my efforts could easily be misinterpreted into meaning something else or
'wrong' by someone else, and thus subsequent interactions can become unfavourable.
This I know from experiences that didn’t plan out as hoped ...not that there
was any particular plan, more rather just a psychological need to do some ‘good’
by compensating for who I am. Yet despite harrowing experiences; I still do
what I do because it’s the most significant way to mentally justify my purpose
for existing, and at the same time feel happy, ...aside from the other means of
amusement and satisfaction that comes from entertaining media, and food.
What
I have just implied therefore is that I have a tendency to do things that are
meant for the ‘right’ reasons, but can come across as ‘wrong’ and bizarre. The
fact that this strategy has failed previously, means there is a flaw, and that
apparent flaw becomes more and more of an apparent weakness as I persist, while
expecting failure to spite me and throw me onto my own sword with each
situation. To illustrate this; I shall elaborate with the following example:
I
along with friend A, B, C, and D; are interacting with one another whilst
playing a board game. Things seem as ‘normal’ as it generally gets. However; a
situation arises when friend C asks me if I can help he/she with something. In
an instant, different notions emerge psychologically, all the while I listen to
friend C about the matter. On one (1) hand, I am honoured and pleased that friend
C asked me for help with his/her matter, because it means in some regard I am
trusted enough by friend C. On the other hand, I am consciously aware that my
efforts to help friend C can result in a matter of ways, with the tendency to
linger on the worse case scenarios (because I am a negative person, and I have
failed numerous times prior with other people). Choosing a roundabout to
mentally portray the possible outcomes in this situation; I can choose to do as
friend C requested and take care of a matter which friend C cannot (which will
be defined as the choice on the left of the roundabout), or I can opt to
decline via a given excuse and leave friend C in his/her predicament (which
will be defined as the opposite choice on the right of the roundabout).
Naturally I strive to do the best I can, so I choose to take care of friend C’s
matter (i.e. taking the left path). However, upon choosing to do this, allows
me to mentally imagine a scenario where my best efforts either result in the
best possible outcome by fulfilling friend C’s request as desired, or result in
failure and consequently disappoints friend C.
The
example above is a hypothetical situation, to which is NOT meant to imply
anyone in particular. That said; it is a very real example of a situation for
me, as I mentally traverse upon a high rope when I find myself in a situation
where my decisions/reaction can have implications not only for myself, but to
those significant to me such as friends and family. Just the mention of my name
by a significant person makes me mentally alarmed, plus the subsequent thoughts
that I have done ‘wrong’ immediately fills me with a sense of dread and
discomfort.
This
is a problematic dilemma for me, though I can't be wrong in thinking that I am
alone in facing these situations. I don’t doubt that I have the habit of
finding myself in an awkward predicament while thinking of the worst in a given
situation, more than other people do. And it can be interpreted that by revealing
such flaws about myself, that I make myself weaker by doing so. There is a
quote from Dorothy Dix “Confession is
always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own
punishment in silence.” That I would’ve followed when I was years younger as
a means to be illusive to everyone. This however I feel is not an option for the most part any
longer, as I am (astonishingly) a person people are okay with, and someone who
can take care of matters that others cannot. Admittedly, the notion of avoiding a situation plagued
by awkward feelings is still a ‘tactic’ I employ once and a while to maintain a
narrow yet manageable balance as it were, though I will admit that it somewhat
shameful, and as a result of circumstances nowadays, it is a ‘tactic’ I use far
less then I have in the past. As I type up this post; I am aware
of this being demonstrated by the fact that I have gone to great lengths to
procure several Christmas presents on the behalf of the members of my family
who would not be able to achieve the same feat. That’s not me being arrogant,
its merely a reality, that I have become more aware of, and have accepted.
At
this stage; I cannot be any less then who I am, and even though it means I am
shallow and flawed, it is nonetheless a reality I am content with. By being
honest with myself, and to those who wish to read this llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg
post; I am making it easier for myself to decipher want I am capable of, as
well as providing an insight to my mental processes which might be
comprehensible for some people to some extent. Transparency within reason is my
choice as I traverse across the road known as life. Whether that’s a ‘good’
choice or ‘bad, that’s up to interpretation.
This
is where I will conclude this post (number 35 (thirty-five) (XXXV)). As implied
before in post XXXIV, for more information about mental health, or on matters
regarding awkwardness and other topics; use a search engine to find a lot more
information, and helpful links to quench your interest. If you are reading this
post via the SJBMCPRS Report blogsite; you will be able to see pictures of
implied creating for the mental health exhibition on the right-hand side of the
webpage. In the meantime, feel free to comment or imply your own perceptions,
and until next time, see ya!
Depicting awkwardness and weakness – SJBMCPRS Diagnoses
Disclaimer: The
following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and
is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which
people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post
will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along
with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.
“Growth begins when we
begin to accept our own weakness.” - Jean Vanier
When
a situation arises, how do you come out of a stammering and uncertain moment? How
do you make the connection with people around you? Why is it easier to talk to
some people then others? How do we make the moments of awkwardness morph into
moments of cooperation? How do you say what you want to say correctly? Why is
it when we say or do something, that we fall on our own swords and fail? If you
had the choice, what would be your final words?
...What
is it you want out of life?
Do
we know all the answers for every time there is a situation in life? No, it has
to be accepted that you don't have all the answers, and that not everything
happens as one (1) expects it to. But when faced with a situation that evokes
uncertainty and cannot be so easily answered without something ‘wrong’
subsequently happening, is it ludicrous to think that avoidance is the
remedy?
Think
about the significance of a decision, or reaction has in a situation, and
consider what experiences you’ve had up to this moment. What has worked before,
and what hasn’t. ...Your expectations and instincts. All of these factors, and
more are merely variables, or pieces of a puzzle that depict a situation that
has yet to form clearly. And yet; the things that matter most cannot be ignored
such as one’s personal feelings and so on, which are in-turn affected by the
outcome of a situation. Thus, one (1) would react in a manner to a situation
that is perceived by the self to be ‘right’.
(Record abruptly stopping
sound) This means for all the headaches that stem from people who shove their
perceptions of what is ‘right’ into society, and influence the seemingly
never-ending sewage of ‘beliefs’ and ‘truths’ flooding every nook and cranny
available, are in fact deciding to react to a situation to which either
involves them or influences them. I suppose that means the ‘SJWs’, and people
who react unreasonably are validated in that sense, though I must digress as my
choices of words and feelings as implied in previous posts remain, and I try to
remain as calmly oblivious in spite of what constantly feels like a persistent
an annoying wasp circling my head.
So,
with that in mind; I want to visually describe what I mean by projecting a
mental image of what a situation can come across as. Picture a road as a
representation of one’s journey through life. The vehicle you drive along this
road is an avatar that defines you, and in-turn also represents other people in
different vehicles going along the same road known as life. As time goes on,
your vehicle avatar changes as does you through life. Along the process of
life, you have taken multiple directions based on your interpretation of what
feels right for you, and have come across roundabouts (or an intersection in
other words). With a roundabout; you are presented with multiple directions to
which you choose one (1) to traverse upon.
With
me so far?
As
you mentally portray the road as the journey through life; picture also a
roundabout as a situation to which your decision/reaction dictates what happens
afterwards, or in other words; which direction your life goes. Say for example
the situation is the result of an ongoing argument where your best friends are
‘bickering’ about their choices after graduation. Person A is going to
university, and is promoting how taking this route is the ‘right’ choice that
is second to none. Person B however already has a steady job, and has looked
into getting you a job in the same establishment, thus feels competent that choosing
this choice is the ‘best’ option. You have yet to decide which path is the one
for you, but neither best friend makes it any easier for you as they rant
profusely against one (1) another, and swear to break away from you if you
don’t go with their choice. Do you go into further education and side with
person A which pleases person A; but upsets person B, because person B
interprets your choice as a preference towards person A and that it means the
relationship between you and person B is dropped and shattered like a diamond
falling off a perilously tall peak. Do you fancy your chances with employment
and take person B’s offer; which pleases person B, but makes person A
disappointed and betrayed by you. Do you opt for your own choice which you feel
is the ‘right’ decision, but consequentially deters both your best friends? Or
do you go around in circles flummoxed by the perilous decision that awaits you,
all the while seeing those options appear more and more distant. Whichever
decision you make, it comes at a cost whether to one (1) of your best friends,
or personal aspiration.
Now
that above is a hypothetical scenario, but a scenario that could occur in
reality. As fictional and school teen show like it seems, almost all fiction is
based on some kind of reality, much like comedy is said to be based on some
form of misery. Because of this, a scenario like this can provide a troubling
prospect as the outcome affects you significantly in more ways than one (1).
Consider for example that the choice of going to university with person A means
the financial disadvantage you may find (because universities are expensive),
as well as the possibility that this choice doesn’t work out for you as hoped.
The same can be said for the choice of finding employment with person B; just
because person B said that he/she has looked into getting you a job at the same
establishment, doesn’t mean it’s a guarantee, and may not yield the outcome as
desired. While some implications were implied by both person A and person B
regarding their choices for you, not every implication was. In many regards
this is true about real-life decisions because you don’t always get all the
answers you require t0o make the decision that you think is the ‘right’ choice.
Nor are you made aware of the potential implications and consequences involved
in making a decision, until later on due to hindsight. And not every situation
is the same; in one (1) situation you could be deciding innocently enough between
a sandwich or a slice of fresh pizza, and in another situation, you could have
your back against the wall choosing whether or not to be truthful with someone
significant about something very crucial.
However,
the abundance of awkwardness is not an exclusive attribute. It is a notion that
can affect anyone. You can't avoid awkwardness, and neither can anyone for that
matter. That said, it will affect people in different ways, and some people are
more prone to discomfiture then others. Nevertheless, awkwardness (or whichever
word one (1) wishes to use) isn't a bad thing, it is a part of life regardless,
and know it’s not only you who experiences it.
In
the instances where we can affect the course of our lives and perhaps another
person's or several others' lives, it is up to you how you react. How you react
becomes the basis for subsequent reactions whether it’s you responding to
something you said or did, or someone else responds. Even if you can't grasp
the situation fully or perceive the outcomes good or bad; an outcome is inevitable,
regardless if you were ready for it or not. Life is crammed full of seemingly
infinite happenstances, it cannot stop, even though there will be moments where
it feels like life or everything around you have grinded to a halt. Up until
the eventual moment where it does seem to end in death however, there will be countless
instances that you'll make, or are made by other means regardless if you are
aware of them or not.
Though
in some instances, the prospect of a situation and circumstances may have a
significant effect on one's desires. For some life is a passage for them to
make something out of themselves. To be remembered, to overcome, to love etc.
Such desires can be affected however by something unexpected, thus placing you
in a situation you feel unready to respond to. A bad outcome can disrupt your
course, or worse ruin them entirely and lead you down an alternate path where
there is nothing else but obsession over the thing you wanted is lost. On the
other hand, a positive outcome will make the transaction to normality seamlessly,
despite the 'hiccup'. But how do you know the choice(s) you make was the
correct or incorrect one? You don't. Your involvement is just another variable
along with many other variables (such as other people's choice(s), or
environmental) that you cannot influence.
Suddenly
the prospect of uncertainty seems daunting, doesn't it? Thus, the sensation of
awkwardness, and the possibility that your actions help determine whether you
land on that double-edged sword or not. Worry not though as this is a natural
sensation that occurs with everyone (as implied earlier in this post), and I
would be unreasonable if I said it doesn’t affect me more than others. How one
(1) manages situations is partially affected by one's reaction, and the other
factors included, and situations may vary in terms of significance.
But
does that moment of uncertainty found in daily instances evoke a sense of dread
or fear? To countless people, that would not be a ridiculous notion. I
certainly cannot deny my pessimism or uncomfortableness knowing that a
situation can unfold in a manner that I cannot comprehend. Nor can I deny that
beneath the facade that people see, lies a person of insecurities and trepidation.
One
(1) of my many flaws/weaknesses stems from my reactions to situations involving
interactions with people I know and don't know. It could be thought that the
uneasiness would be worse with people of whom I do not know, and have no
concern for then with those significant to me. After all, people that are
significant and have gotten used to the atrocity that is me, would know what to
expect from me and in turn I would know better through experience. If anything,
though, I ...find that it’s even harder when interacting with people
significant to me.
No
more has this become apparent than in the weeks leading up to this moment of
time. My efforts to interact, and maintain a facade have been tested greatly as
I placed myself in situations where I am exposed to the perceptions of
audiences. Case in point; from the 10th to the 14th of October, there was an
art exhibition in the Weymouth Library to promote awareness of mental health,
and I among others provided material to be presented to audiences. Given the
complexities of my contributions; a la the eight (8) sided dice called the 'Eight
faces of Interpretation', 'the board game depicting mental health called ‘A
passage to mental health', and much documentation; I felt it was important to
be present for periods of time throughout the course of the exhibition, so I
can explain to audiences what my contributions mean, in spite of documentation
being present to explain everything on my behalf. Sure, enough this mindset
proved accurate as several people took interest and asked questions, and while
I was mentally wishing people would read the documentation rather than putting
me in situations of awkwardness, I assumed rightly that not everyone would have
had the time to examine the thousands of words I had written/typed in the
provided documentation. This experience exemplified the intention implied in
the post ‘Translating the incomprehensible?’; to which using other means to
express yourself rather than just using written/typed words, such as through visual
representation can make audiences comprehend what is to be expressed to them
more effective.
Needless
to say, however; it was an enduring process, which was only intensified when
pictures were taken, and I find myself pictured in a newspaper article a week
later. ...ugh! And all the compliments ...and references to me being artistic...!
Ugh! ...Will someone or something hit me over the head with a scale sized zebra
made out of steel already! Don’t get me wrong, acknowledgment and compliments
is important, and it’s great for the other people who contributed to the
exhibition to receive recognition...
...just don’t direct any of it at me because I
feel out of place enough already!
But
that's just one (1) particular event, of which won't be replicated in terms of
length and intensity for a while... What about everyday instances; particularly
when I am situations involving interactivity with people significant to me? Now
in these situations the turmoil I feel is intensified, because I have certain condemning
perceptions of myself, and thus perceive myself as the worst being that these
people have the unfortunate displeasure of having to interact with. Even with
friends and family; I still feel this way, and that's as likely to change as my
head transforming into a vacuum cleaner larger than the entirety of Mt Everest!
Even
after I explain myself and it appears that I have managed to 'settle in'
amongst my friends and family, those instances of awkwardness and weakness occur
persistently. That's not because these people are making it difficult for me to
interact with, far from it, these people are tremendous, and I am extremely
fortunate that they tolerate me. The moments of awkwardness, unknowing, and
uneasiness comes from my own insecurities, and failed experiences. Try as I
might to benefit the lives of my friends and family for the better, and do what
is perceived as 'right' to the best of my abilities; I constantly feel like the
bubble could pop at any moment, and everything goes fearfully wrong.
I
am content with doing what I do, and worry not so much about possible
repercussions to myself as long as I am satisfying the people significant to
me. However; I am fearful that the bliss I feel from doing 'good' can
subsequently turn into the nightmare, which I feel is alas inevitable. I could
have the best intentions when presenting a birthday present, or gift of generosity;
but my efforts could easily be misinterpreted into meaning something else or
'wrong' by someone else, and thus subsequent interactions can become unfavourable.
This I know from experiences that didn’t plan out as hoped ...not that there
was any particular plan, more rather just a psychological need to do some ‘good’
by compensating for who I am. Yet despite harrowing experiences; I still do
what I do because it’s the most significant way to mentally justify my purpose
for existing, and at the same time feel happy, ...aside from the other means of
amusement and satisfaction that comes from entertaining media, and food.
What
I have just implied therefore is that I have a tendency to do things that are
meant for the ‘right’ reasons, but can come across as ‘wrong’ and bizarre. The
fact that this strategy has failed previously, means there is a flaw, and that
apparent flaw becomes more and more of an apparent weakness as I persist, while
expecting failure to spite me and throw me onto my own sword with each
situation. To illustrate this; I shall elaborate with the following example:
I
along with friend A, B, C, and D; are interacting with one another whilst
playing a board game. Things seem as ‘normal’ as it generally gets. However; a
situation arises when friend C asks me if I can help he/she with something. In
an instant, different notions emerge psychologically, all the while I listen to
friend C about the matter. On one (1) hand, I am honoured and pleased that friend
C asked me for help with his/her matter, because it means in some regard I am
trusted enough by friend C. On the other hand, I am consciously aware that my
efforts to help friend C can result in a matter of ways, with the tendency to
linger on the worse case scenarios (because I am a negative person, and I have
failed numerous times prior with other people). Choosing a roundabout to
mentally portray the possible outcomes in this situation; I can choose to do as
friend C requested and take care of a matter which friend C cannot (which will
be defined as the choice on the left of the roundabout), or I can opt to
decline via a given excuse and leave friend C in his/her predicament (which
will be defined as the opposite choice on the right of the roundabout).
Naturally I strive to do the best I can, so I choose to take care of friend C’s
matter (i.e. taking the left path). However, upon choosing to do this, allows
me to mentally imagine a scenario where my best efforts either result in the
best possible outcome by fulfilling friend C’s request as desired, or result in
failure and consequently disappoints friend C.
The
example above is a hypothetical situation, to which is NOT meant to imply
anyone in particular. That said; it is a very real example of a situation for
me, as I mentally traverse upon a high rope when I find myself in a situation
where my decisions/reaction can have implications not only for myself, but to
those significant to me such as friends and family. Just the mention of my name
by a significant person makes me mentally alarmed, plus the subsequent thoughts
that I have done ‘wrong’ immediately fills me with a sense of dread and
discomfort.
This
is a problematic dilemma for me, though I can't be wrong in thinking that I am
alone in facing these situations. I don’t doubt that I have the habit of
finding myself in an awkward predicament while thinking of the worst in a given
situation, more than other people do. And it can be interpreted that by revealing
such flaws about myself, that I make myself weaker by doing so. There is a
quote from Dorothy Dix “Confession is
always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own
punishment in silence.” That I would’ve followed when I was years younger as
a means to be illusive to everyone. This however I feel is not an option any
longer, as I am (astonishingly) a person people are okay with, and someone who
can take care of matters that others cannot. As I type up this post; I am aware
of this being demonstrated by the fact that I have gone to great lengths to
procure several Christmas presents on the behalf of the members of my family
who would not be able to achieve the same feat. That’s not me being arrogant,
its merely a reality, that I have become more aware of, and have accepted.
At
this stage; I cannot be any less then who I am, and even though it means I am
shallow and flawed, it is nonetheless a reality I am content with. By being
honest with myself, and to those who wish to read this llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg
post; I am making it easier for myself to decipher want I am capable of, as
well as providing an insight to my mental processes which might be
comprehensible for some people to some extent. Transparency within reason is my
choice as I traverse across the road known as life. Whether that’s a ‘good’
choice or ‘bad, that’s up to interpretation.
This
is where I will conclude this post (number 35 (thirty-five) (XXXV)). As implied
before in post XXXIV, for more information about mental health, or on matters
regarding awkwardness and other topics; use a search engine to find a lot more
information, and helpful links to quench your interest. If you are reading this
post via the SJBMCPRS Report blogsite; you will be able to see pictures of
implied creating for the mental health exhibition on the right-hand side of the
webpage. In the meantime, feel free to comment or imply your own perceptions,
and until next time, see ya!
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Translating the incomprehensible? – SJBMCPRS Diagnoses
Disclaimer: The
following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and
is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which
people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post
will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along
with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.
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