As of the 12th,
July 2015; I have been occupying my own flat since the 26th of June,
2015 that has easy walkable access to the Weymouth town centre, and allows me
to associate with my friends more quickly and often if desired because the
majority live in the Weymouth, as opposed to before where I was living with my
parents and younger brother on Portland (Dorset, UK). This means I am living
independently from the rest of my family and I am now on the process of
learning life lessons and responsibilities that will affect the future for
myself and the friends of whom I associate with and vice-versa. In short I am
venturing on a new and alternate path in my life which really isn’t so
different from that of before because the same people from before are still
very significant to me and will continue to be so. The only significant difference
is that I have to adapt to putting myself
first (1st) more often in order to sustain efficiency, as
opposed to putting other people’s (friends and family) priorities and needs
before mine.
…And that’s a
lot harder and far more of a conflicting approach then I imagined, and to be
brutally honest I knew as soon as I realised that I was getting a flat and
living in a more independent manner, that I was in for a mass of indescribable
upheaval that dwarfs the magnitude of London’s skyscrapers.
If there is one
(1) thing that I remember from the countless assembles whilst I was attending
Wey Valley School from 2006 to 2009; it is phrases like “the day you stop
learning is the day you die” and “you learn something every day”. Now back in
the day I didn’t care and thought everything said in assembles was hogwash
because I truly didn’t feel like I was like everyone else and therefore what
would apply to everyone attending those assembles wouldn’t have significance on
me. Words and phrases like “happiness”, “joy”, “love”, “passion for life”,
“indifference”, “the world we live in and share” and so on were for people
deemed as ‘normal’, I never felt that I fitted into that realm or space of
existence, and that I was destined for the incomprehensible worst while
everyone else would live like kings and queens. While the majority of the above
mentioned in this paragraph is still true today; in hindsight the stuff about
learning something every day is accurate, and on this different odyssey I find
myself on, I am finding out more and more about myself that I never picked up
on so much previously.
While there is
part of me that is saying that everything is worse than before like feeling
burnout from spending more time with my friends then I consciously do on my own
and thus I miss the days when I only was concerned with myself and family
because the notion of ‘friends’ to me was as unheard of and taboo as a white
woman having a romantic relationship with a black man (and vice-versa) in the
early and mid-1900s in North America (interracial relationships), the reality
is that it’s not better, it’s not worse, it’s just different. Yes it is true
that I am feeling burnout from “hanging out” with my friends, but this is due
to the fact that I haven’t got the same level experience of socialising and being
part of a group and being a ‘friend’ compared to the years I have spent as an
outsider with absolutely no friends and living only for the purpose of enduring
all the ‘bad’ that awaits me, and trying to as much as I can to compensate for
the ‘bad’ I commit, until the day that I feel as cold as the eternal dark once
someone or something lays me down (or I die in other words). I don’t have as
many answers, wit, experience and patience when dealing with situations
regarding friends and family; and that is one (1) of the things I am learning
from my odyssey as of the 26th of June, 2015. Now it’s no one’s
fault that this is happenstance is now a visible reality much like a high
visibility jacket is, though it would definitely be 100% my fault if I were to
snap and alas take it out on the people I consider significant to me, which is
why I am trying to hold back and put myself first (1st) for a change
to prevent me: a vessel containing flammable substances from erupting when at
flash point temperature (which is a case in point from the TWA flight 800
disaster that was due to a fuel tank explosion which occurred July 17th,
1996). Of course finance constraints are also significant factors to my stress
and unwillingness to participate in a group activity or for me to provide ‘company’,
but as a whole I am trying to adapt to this odyssey I am travelling along for
the benefit not only myself but of those significant to me as well. “Less is
more” apparently, and I am in a position where it is kind of required of me to
do less of the things I have a habit of doing and following those traits that
prioritised other people’s needs and priorities over my own.
That said, I wouldn’t
turn my friends or family away if they appeared at my door and needed a place
to stay or asked if it would be okay if they could sleep over or play on the
consoles I have (or if a situation occurred and I could do something to help a
friend). One (1) good thing about having my own place is now I can return the
favour since I’ve stayed at a friends’ place before and watched TV and ate food
and so on. …Just as long this is done with reasonableness because my flat is
meant for one (1) person only and while I can have guests over and they can
sleep over, rules state they can’t live here as a “lodger” according the
tenancy agreement, and I do like my ‘alone time’. Perhaps this later point
wouldn’t be a problem in the long run, it’s just in the weeks I’ve had my own
place; I’ve had friends, family and relatives stay over and stay the night and
it’s not good when plans get spoiled by unexpected arrivals and the staff are
checking up on the unusual activity going on (this is in particular reference
to the relatives and cousins that turned up from the 07/07/2015 to 08/07/2015
and 10/07/2015 to 11/07/2015 L).
Should there be
a day where I become overwhelmed with the happenstances and scenarios like I am
worked up about financial woes or influenced by emotional distress, or just
plain irritated; there is a solution that if uttered should mean to my friends
that I am transforming into a “megazord” and unless they stand clear or leave,
I will unwillingly destroy them. Now while I haven’t uttered this keyword yet,
trust me when I type this that I have felt on the verge of erupting in numerous
given situations, and it was only through the thick skin I have gained from
numerous worse situations prior that prevented a present day incident from
transpiring. Now I could go into specific details of times when I wanted to
unravel in the wake of a situation if I was feeling spiteful, but then it would
be unjust and only make things far worse. So this keyword which if used should
establish the mind-set of the user to others in the group is “silver s***”,
unless it hasn’t been agreed upon yet or changed to something else.
Q: Why have a
keyword that tells others how unwilling and uncooperatively furious or
distraught you feel?
A: Because while
I have certainly come across situations where I wasn’t up to doing something
with my friends, I am not the only one who has felt foul or woeful and there
will be instances in the future where things happen that affects a person
strongly and may make the person post something on Facebook, or txt or outright
say they’re not up to it, hence the keyword: “silver s***” being established to
make it clear that the one uttering the phrase does not want to be involved or
the company.
Another thing
that I’ve picked up since moving into independent living is just how slow and
paranoid I am when it comes to something ‘new’ or different from what I am
familiar with. Now this might already be obvious for those reading this post
and previous posts on the SJBMCPRS Report; but again I haven’t noticed this
trait so blazingly obviously before like how staring directly at the sun distorts
and harms vision (seriously don’t do it,
and if you insist then don’t do it for too long!). The point I’m getting at
here is that with having to setup direct debit payments for water, electric, TV
Licensing and so on; leaves me instinctively sceptical due to its ‘newness’ and
feeling unhealthily apprehensive because it is something different. When I do
something out of the ordinary like set up a payment plan for my TV License; I
enter unknown territory, a sense of not knowing if the setup will work and what
affect it will have on my spending habits on the long run. Now I can be
patient, very patient in fact especially if I can stand contently and quietly
ponder to myself as I wait in a charity shop while a friend tries on a dress,
because it’s a situation that I am familiar with; but things like bills and
direct debits I have recently established will work my mentality into a frenzy
because it’s something ‘new’ that I now have to adapt to, all the while
negative thoughts like being insufficiently funded at the given bill payment
date, and whether or not the process will proceed as intended will flood my
mind.
Perhaps this was
no more apparent than prior to the 21st of June, 2015; where my
first (1st) payment for my recently acquired contract Samsung Galaxy
S5 was due. This was ‘new’ having to pay monthly for my mobile phone and keep
within the limits of 500MB of mobile data usage and 500 minutes for calls,
given that previously I used pay as you go. Additionally I didn’t have enough
in my account for the payment which meant having to sell on countless DVDs and
games just to make enough. And even with enough money in the account to cover
the payment; the day of which the payment would be taken from my account left
me in suspense because another payment could have been made without my
knowledge in that time for the WWE Network or Xbox Live or Netflix, or a request
for financial support from friends and family (most instances have been with
family) and left insufficient funds for the phone’s monthly payment. While this
wasn’t the case and the payment went ahead as intended; those qualms haven’t
diminished and have in fact multiplied because now I have similar setups for my
electric, water and TV License bills which coincide with other payments!
The solution
this is uncertainty I feel would be to make cautious spending only when
necessary and to keep note of when each payment is due. But while I am doing
this; these actions don’t dispel my circumspection and negative thoughts from
ruling my mentality until I have gotten used to having those payments in place
and adapted my spending habits to ensure I am financially okay for future
payments. Alas that will take some time and a lot of unrest…I mean I have had
my new phone for over a month now and yet I cannot recall its contact number by
heart because I can still have my previous phone’s contact number seemingly
stencilled into my brain which is no longer necessary because I don’t use my
old phone anymore.
If there is a
double chocolate cookie crumb of reassurance here; it is that I have been
paying my parents’ £400 house rent per month for over two (2) years whilst I
was living on Portland prior to the 26th of June, 2015 which means I
have some experience of paying my end for electricity, internet, water, food
and so on, plus for supported housing which is where I am situated the bills
aren’t supposed to be unaffordable so I ought to be okay even though I haven’t
yet gotten used to the payments I will have to make whilst living in my flat.
Q: So with all
this unfolding, how have you stopped yourself from going insane, snapping at
friends and family and travelling to Paris to take down the Eiffel Tower with a
fork and knife?
A: …Erm…I don’t
know really, because I have been stressed and adapting to a new location and
everything else included isn’t easy unlike stepping on a snail with your shoes
after it has been raining, or giving into temptation when there are Pringles in
front of you (provided they are your favourite flavour). Secondly I would like
to extract some level of revenge on France after some traumatising experiences
earlier on in life so if I could take down the Eiffel Tower with a fork and
knife, then I would be there faster than it would take Boris Johnson to say
‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ 2000 times while having stitched lips and
an anaconda bracing itself to swallow him whole!! Apart from what I have typed
up above about trying to do less and note down when payments are due; I have
been reclining in my flat watching DVDs that I didn’t sell on, watching friends
play the Doritos Crash Course on the Xbox 360, bowling, scoring goals on an Xbox
360 football game (Pro Evolution Soccer 2010) that was only 49p to mindlessly
gain achievements and give my older brother something to play when he arrives
in Weymouth later in the oncoming month and comfort eating. It’s not exactly a
healthy or an appropriate method to relieve stress, and it has alas made me
extra paranoid about my weight; but for all the cons, it means the ease of
these activities has allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief and allow my mind
to ponder on something other than stress-influencing related topics.
Q: What happens
from here on?
A: I cannot even
guess because the truth is I wasn’t expecting to get a place to live so quickly
and prior to this I didn’t expect to make friends and still have these people
as friends to this day. Who know , at this rate I might be able to invent a
time machine for my friends and invented a 600ft spider to crush the unbearable
‘moron’ on Big Brother who goes “Its showbiz!” and everyone else I dislike (and
trust me there A LOT of people). If there is any certainty, it is that my grim
perspective will make be cautious for future developments, and that my general
despising for myself will lead to activities such as vigorous walking and
spending hours in the gym I associate with to burn the calories I have put on.
Q: When is the
next post coming?
A: Uncertain.
With no internet access currently in my flat and other matters, posts won’t be
as persistent as I would like. All I can say is that I dislike the fact this
post took far longer to setup then I’d like and for that I apologise to
readers.
Q: What is 1+1?
A: 2
Q: Did you ever
receive a Vegemite sandwich?
A: No, I wasn’t
around in 1981 when the song “Down Under” by Men at Work was done.
Q: What’s your
favourite Elvis Presley song?
A: “Suspicious
Minds”, thanks for asking J
Q: Why is there
a Q&A in this post?
A: I don’t know,
I kind of make s*** up as I go along whilst I type up the main points I want to
put up. I guess silly s*** like this helps discharge the situation.
Q: Any last
comments?
A: Thanks for reading this
post and until next time, see ya!
