The definition of "nothingness" is: "the condition or quality of being nothing; nonexistence", according to thefreedictionary.com. It can also mean emptiness as well as something that is inconsequential or insignificant. The definition of "wandering" is to travel someplace without a purpose.
What do these definitions for the words "nothingness" and "wandering" have to do with anything? The answer alas is significant and can be damming under certain conditions. Speaking in a grim tone; "nothingness" is (in my perspective) the subsequent reality after death. There is no heaven, hell, afterlife, colour, texture, sense or any notion of existence and reality because there is nothing there. For those who believe otherwise like in reincarnation or the existence for heaven or hell; so be it, if that's what people want to believe then who am I stop or judge their attitudes or beliefs. Should however my perspective indeed be (for whatever reason) accurate or how some people view existence after death. the perspective might be a harrowing one to imagine. It doesn't help that life can be unfair and differ from person and species to another i.e. where one's life can be ended prematurely like Paul Walker's, or a child as young as three (3) perishes in a tragic accident, or by inhumane mistreatment while others reach the grand age of a hundred (100). Even worse is the notion that life can be ended in countless ways whether we have any control over our fate or not. Like it or not; death is inevitable and it could well lead into nothingness.
What can make this reality that everyone dies even worse is if the life had before death was insignificant, or had no purpose, hence the term "wandering". It is entirely possible that a person can wander throughout his/hers life to the very end where death occurs and nothingness follows subsequently. Whether we judge ourselves or other people consider what in life as significant or insignificant (which is truly speculative), we are all subject to the significance of life as well as our own fates, whatever they could be.
Now lets introduce a facet of that may or may not be relevant to some people's lives; it is called "Strangersparky" and it serves as the first (1st) letter (and first (1st) 'S' in SJBMCPRS. Image if you wish that Strangersparky was a human being that looks pretty much like every other human being, except certain conditions and experiences make he/she perceive many things differently then others. Growing up; Strangersparky felt like he/she did not fit in with everybody else, and this notion of being different, strange and even not from the same Earth as everyone else, continues as Strangersparky became older, but the reason for this is unknown. Distrust, confusion, inability, lack of understanding, personal resentment, bullying, betrayal, fear, apprehension, and so on become needles penetrating your skin creating discomfort and lasting agony mentally (and physically). Given the experiences while developing and how he/she perceives the world and other people, Strangersparky feels disconnected and isolated from the rest and unable to proceed through life quite as easily as others. Strangersparky believes that because he/she doesn't fit in well and is perceived differently by himself/herself, friends, family and other people; that he/she is not privy to or regarded to what is considered the "norm". Self-loathing as well as the belief that everything that goes wrong in his/hers life is his/hers fault sadly becomes second nature and debilitating even if the "truth" is something otherwise. Isolation and self-loathing continue to swell up deep inside, despite appearances in front of friends, family and other people suggest otherwise. Behaviour towards those who Strangersparky interacts with appears out of the so-called "ordinary" even though he/she is doing the best they can given his/hers experiences prior. When disaster strikes, the sting is profound like a poison coursing throw the body indefinitely, causing great anxiety, depression, guilt, and conflictions that lasts and lasts. All these experiences in life force Strangersparky to be reclusive, suited better to feeling alone then around others, and strange to those he/she interacts with while in the meantime appearing as a stranger to everyone and seemingly everything else. Though Strangersparky tries and means well; his/hers efforts still feel unfulfilling, afraid and inadequate in dispelling the darkness he/she paints himself/herself with as a portrayal of who he/she is.
This defines Strangersparky and serves as the first (1st) letter (and first (1st) 'S' in SJBMCPRS; an apprehensive, guilt ridden, self-despising, bewildered being who tries to play along with friends, family and others in the game called "life", but ultimately feels fearful, disillusioned, unworthy and feels out of place. Strangersparky is a facet of me (yeah, I'm stopping my usage of 'mii' because this is serious s*** here and therefore would feel out of place with the tone of this post), which means I feel this way because the paragraph above summarises to some extent the experiences that shaped me into the person I am. This is even more profound when I am interacting with friends and family because I feel: "why am I even in this situation?", and "seriously what 'good' do they see in me?". I am going to be strange, apprehensive and unknowing what I should be doing in a given situation for the rest of my life, because of my experiences, because of my ...(sigh) aspergers and my general negativity. When did I begin to realise my differing attitude and approaches compared to what was considered "normal"? As soon as the age of three (3) when I felt for the first (1st) time guilt and resentment when I witnessed my mother biting the left arm of my younger brother as a means of punishment for something he did (and before you start complaining readers, this was before everyone knew that it was wrong and harmful to strike children as punishments!). School pretty much filled in the rest of the gaps making me prefer to wander on the almost empty pavements and paths in the dark by myself listening to piano music as opposed to being in a town centre with hundreds of people obscuring my path.
Just FYI, Strangersparky is also the profile name for my Xbox Live account, and its fitting too because while gaming I can play with my younger brother or with other people online, but I prefer to play alone because its in my nature to behave as a recluse and safer for me mentally because I'm not bypassing myself by doing something unfamiliar and frankly intimidating.
So what's Strangersparky got to do with "nothingness" and "wandering"? Well to put it in unusual terms; I am like a remote control car that is sluggish and barley functions on a Scalextric track, I am driving myself aimlessly towards the finish line i.e. my death with seemingly no purpose or meaning. For the most part I am in auto-pilot mode heading towards the final destination "nothingness" because being reclusive, mentally troubled person makes me seemingly incapable of establishing something significant like be a true friend, establishing a relationship beyond friends, finding my own place, being confident around others, doing activities I wanted to do but was too intimidated to do so and so on. Perhaps alarmingly, I'd prefer to be wandering towards nothingness because the fear of hurting someone I care about mentally is so strong. By not flying closer to the sun, taking chances and stepping out of my comfort zone; I can seemingly prevent any harm being done while condemning myself whilst I am alone because its second nature to me and something I feel I deserve for the 'bad' I've done even if reality would say otherwise.
But wait a minute! That's a terrible mind-set to have, and if I really felt so strongly about preventing potentially any further harm to those I care about, then surely there are means of ending life permanently before such a reoccurrence occur again. And even if I were to perish whichever way it nay be, there's still going to be difficulty regarding those people I leave behind because my actions will still affect those people after my passing. Furthermore I have to bear in mind I am not the only person who feels this way and that their circumstances may be greater then mine.
So what do I do? Well for starter I'll dismiss any notions of suicide; its just so selfish and wrong, plus people like family depend on me, and there are friends that (for whatever reason) appreciate me (seriously I can never understand that nutcracker of a reality, but it is what it is). Because I'm honest I will say that I have NEVER attempted suicide, the thoughts occur yeah, but I don't act upon the notion because I understand the greater consequences of abandoning friends and family due to a selfish act (I kid you not I had to convince my younger brother when we were at primary school age that everyone would be so distraught and disappointed if he'd continue to smother himself with two (2) pillows!).
Frankly I can't stop being who I am which means there's always going to be a degree of awkwardness, discomfort, sombreness and so on whenever I engage with friends, family and other people. Subsequently I'm not going to stop myself from wishing the places I go by myself or with my friends were deserted and quiet because crowds of people really irritate me (especially in tight locations) and it would be awesome to have a location like a town centre all to ourselves (but then that's alas a fantasy, boo :(!!).
All I really can do is try, and take each step to self-improvement and fulfilment carefully one step at a time. Its going to take a very long time before I can even begin to consider I have become the person I've always wanted to be, but hopefully there will be pleasant bonuses for trying and sticking at this path I want to follow towards significance and all-around better mental health rather then spending more on more time wandering on the path towards nothingness. I just hope that by being honest about how I feel and behave won't scare my friends and family away.
Okay...this concludes this post and the definition of the first (1st) letter (and first (1st) 'S' in SJBMCPRS. Apologies if this post was in particular pretty grim to read through, but with my approach I am sincere about myself so that readers can get a better understanding of what makes me, me, as well as take into consideration that having a mental indifference whether it be aspergers, bi-polar etc. doesn't exclude your right to express yourself.
As usual, no idea what the next post will be based upon, but as usual there will be honesty and passion put into the next and every post following this. Remember: do not take me or my writing too seriously and until next time see ya!
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