Melancholy thy name is... - SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

On the 9th of April 2015, I was asked a question that I've never had to ask myself; it went along the lines of: "Why do you look sad?". As perfectly reasonable it is for someone I know and call a dear friend to ask me a question along those lines when it was apparent how sombre I appeared; the answer to such a personal question is difficult to explain, unless the person asking knows and experiences the kind of happenstances that create a joyless and problematic feeling. And even if the said person who asked the question does understand the despairing feeling, one side of the difficulty of answering the question is knowing or assuming how my answer would in turn affect that person who would prefer not to let his/hers own circumstance(s) linger, but will undoubtedly relate and recall the bad he/she wants to ignore.


I'm not trying to name names, nor do I want to be specific to who asked me this question, because the reality is, is that in one form or another I have been asked the same question countless times by other people; whether they be friends, family, professionals who work in mental health establishments and so on. I myself even ask myself why am I so doleful.


Another factor in why this is a difficult question to answer is due to oftentimes my melancholy is such a part of me that its natural for mii to be seemingly depressed.

Its difficult to establish the difference from being miserable about something in particular or simply depressed all the time. This woe stems from negative experiences and my own self-loathing, creating a backlog of depressive guilt, self-resentment and misery that is alas very easy for me to access and inhibit.

I call myself the "World's Nemesis" because there are things I have done that I despise to this very day and will continue to despise myself over until time comes to either softly or brutally lay me down. While I am certainly not the worst person ever known, and therefore cannot compare to the likes of the serial killers known as "Jack the Ripper", and Paul Durousseau, or those who abuse other people; the inexcusable actions I took weigh profoundly upon mii. While its possible that from a different perspective my actions may be understandable because I didn't know as much back then as I do now and I was unaware of my high-functioning Aspergers; I do not intend to, nor accept any reason because there simply was and never will be an excuse because no matter what was going through my mind or feeling at the time I made those appalling decisions, there was always another way around the apparent problem that I could've taken. While I can go into detail of the actions and circumstances that have negatively affected mii, I opt not to, not because I am a coward, but as a means of protecting the people (and family) involved in those circumstances. Even so, it has to be said that the regret, guilt, misery, suffering (and so on) over the actions and the many circumstances that happened have dug deeply into my mentality, my soul and will affect mii and the people involved from here on out.     

When I am (and so to anyone else assumingly is) engulfed in the despairing bleakness; everything seemingly slows down and the two (2) things that speak the loudest is the particular cause of the distress and pain echoing and rippling in the opaque subconscious, and the lingering emotional (and possibly physical) distraught and hampering that diminishes self-confidence, wellbeing and sense of control. For those who suffer from this kind of pain; there are overbearing hampering effects that can sadly be triggered as easily as blinking. Effectively anything can trigger the melancholy whether it be something seen on television, a song, tone, a relatable experience, or even silence and nothingness. I am no exception and perhaps like everyone one else experiencing similar melancholy or emotional (even physically) despair and difficulty, there are times I would like to erase those moments of dread from my mind, heart and soul and not have things in life rekindle those gloominess and trouble. This is especially desired when your trying to build yourself up following the difficulty experienced has have you shattered like a love-filled heart freezing up, falling and shattering into pieces on the floor.   

And yet there are times where I would rather embrace the agony felt again and again from those depressing moments old and new as a means of feeling penance for my actions. As miserable and sombre the melancholy I experience can be; I feel its necessary because the "World's Nemesis" ought to troubled and feel the disdain that I may have inflicted on those people involved in the circumstances that plaque mii. I am not the self-harming type like the character Amanda Young in Saw III (3) who cuts herself, nor am I suicidal; its just at times I accept the lingering repercussions from the actions and circumstances I was, am and will be involved in.

That said I do not wish for others to follow mii in this regard because life's damming moments can be more consuming then the experiences I'll encounter and therefore allowing the damming moments to consume deep inside is a disastrous course of action.  

So what makes melancholy significant in my life in such a way that it actually represents the 'M' in SJBMCPRS? The answer is that my perception of melancholy is constant and unlike the norm experienced by "normal" people. Supposedly when depression occurs in the life of what is considered "normal and "typical"; the extent or life expectancy of depression extends to the point before help is needed and the depression is "treated" by whatever means. My melancholy on the other hand is as second nature as the other facets or modes in SJBMCPRS. In other words I am used to being sombre and despising myself to the point its natural and for the most part insignificant, until its questioned upon.

Contrary to what family or my mental health position (doctor) says and suggests; I feel that my depression/melancholy isn’t so horrible that without help there would be no way back. I think of it similarly to the immunity to smallpox of 1796 which was due to having a cowpox infection beforehand and allowing the body’s immune system to develop antibodies that would be able to sustain and conquer the virus and eventually smallpox as well since both smallpox and cowpox are of the same virus family. By using the example given above to define my melancholy, I am not immune to depression, but having felt so low for such a long time and still be able to live my life; I feel that no amount of melancholy will be too great for mii to live with.  


But while the melancholy as I perceive it won't send mii over the top beyond the point of no return, it is still significant in my life, hence the 'M' in SJBMCPRS and the sadness I express from time to time. As uncomforting it must be to have mii as a friend or a family member to have around displaying this grim behaviour from time to time; to say I am the only who feels melancholy or a degree of sadness is like saying a bridge made out of billions of cocktail sticks will be as efficient and long lasting as Tower Bridge in London. A degree of melancholy; mild or significant is a factor in life. Regardless of the attitude taken or "treatment" given to deal with melancholy or sadness, I hope that the people I care about (friends and family) find a means of recovery and sustainability to overcome any melancholy experienced so that it won't derail the progress they make in their lives.


Well, that's it for this post on the "SJBMCPRS Report" as well as the explanation for the 'M' in SJBMCPRS. Who knows what the next post will be about. All that is for certain is that I will continue to be honest about the so-called 'content' I provide and share more things from my perspective. Until next time, see ya!