Ambiguous forebodings – SJBMCPRS Diagnosis

Halloween is supposedly a time associated with all things scary, such as witches, monster movies and dentists (for those who consume too much sugary sweets and corrode their teeth). But whereas people can be terrified by other people who have dressed up as mummies after they have raided the Andrex factory in Flint (Flintshire, Wales) for its toilet paper, I cannot associate my uneasiness of people only during Halloween (although that doesn’t make it any easier as Halloween prompts people to act f***ing stupider and more reckless).

No …I have feelings of uncomfortableness, anxiety and darker and more horrible notions towards people in general all the time (and if you (the reader) have read the contents of previous posts on the SJBMCPRS Report, or have heard me personally express my perceptions (my condolences to those who alas fit that criteria); then this shouldn’t sound all that surprising).

Now sure, there can be genuine scares from such things like the seemingly annual horror movie releases that come around the month of October; but for all the “scariness” and “creativity”, the perception that these so-called works of fiction are the by-products of a person’s (or many peoples’) imagination(s), experiences and abilities implies that people can come up with such things. The reality is that all the monsters such as the Frankenstein Monster, Count Dracula, and the Wolf Man that belong to Universal (known as Universal Monsters) aren’t really monsters when in fact they are all the representations of the creator’s efforts (which makes them the “monsters” in a sense). Think about it; what kind of horrible things that are supposed to be informative, not real and entertaining on the big screen or in any form are beyond people's ability to replicate? The answer is nothing is completely out of the bounds of possibility because people can create and have created all manner of products and events, that can be deemed "awful".

Before getting carried away, I am well aware that the creators, authors and other people involved in the portrayal of horror movies and other forms of potentially foreboding products such as stories and the costumes for the Xenomorph aren’t actually “evil”, (which means its inaccurate to label Stephen King as an “evil b******” for the fiction he produces (but if people want to do so, then they can do so)).

Here’s the big BUT!!! (This is a hypothetical example, but one (1) that isn’t completely un-relatable.) For every 10,000 people who can watch something like a Saw film, or watch a program like Dexter, or play a “scary” and “violent” video game, or perform a ritual for an occult, or read about a ghastly happenstance in a fictional world in a storybook; there is the unfortunate possibility/chance that one (1) person (or more) can be “influenced” by these portrayals and go on to commit heinous actions or be completely consumed by some particular and come across as “possessed”. Again this was a hypothetical example, but I assure you (the reader) that alas there are true to life instances of such happenstances.

I’m not implying that things that can be defined as “horrible”, “addictive” and all the other words people who like to make a fuss use to try to ban something like cigarettes (and smoking in general) should be banned to prevent fatal incidents happening or “offensiveness” (here’s looking at you Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quin and countless others who can’t take the simple hint that if you find something you don’t like or agree with, then leave it be and move on to something that complies because the World is far from perfect and “bad” things happen!). The most defining reason I can deduce for why things aren’t outright banned or stopped is because there isn’t anything that is pure evil and is “poison” to society that isn’t being attended to or has been resolved. The Holocaust is such an unspeakable atrocity that forced people (who weren’t “influenced” or “forced” by Nazi Germany) to take action and although it cost countless people their lives, it was “resolved” along with the conclusion of the Second (2^nd) World War. America and allied countries did not ignore the calamities of 9/11 and took means to apprehend terrorists that were accountable. When there is a manufacturing defect in a line of manufactured cars from Toyota, Toyota are accountable for persecution and liabilities and therefore attempt to recall as many of their products containing the known defect to remove the potential problem and potential danger. And whereas the effectiveness of the Police and other services around the World are being forever questioned when atrocities like killing sprees, child neglect and abuse and preposterous actions such as “swatting” occur; the majority of the time something defined as “justice” and “resolution” is achieved (even though I (and possibly other people) question whether enough has been done to “resolve” incidents and “ensure” similar incidents don’t occur again).

Moving aside from the extreme cases mentioned above; my perception I am trying to get across is that nothing should be accountable for the atrocities that have been caused as well as present and future incidents because it is us (the people) that are the ones that are responsible and it is our influences that affect one (1) another and contribute to incidents when they happen. Yes, humanity is its own greatest threat, but then that’s nothing new. Therefore, it’s up to us (as people) to decide when we have crossed the line and whether we stop ourselves or continue regardless (because people can be absolute monsters). So for those who become engaged with anything that can lead to potential harm and trouble; it’s vital to understand the difference between reality and fantasy and the possible consequences of taking something too far. As for those who wish to dress up and have fun during Halloween; do remember everyone you meet has their limits and apprehensions which may be crossed, and should this occur it is important to stop or come to a compromise before a matter becomes too problematic.

…Because fear can be unique, it can be many, and certain things that may not affect one (1) person can terrify another. I cannot forget the night during Halloween when two (2) people dressed up traumatised by younger brother and caused him to go into an epileptic fit... Nor can I ignore my forebodings and general dislike for people; especially when its dark at night, the atmosphere is colder so you are naturally more tense, and there are people running amuck in outfits being bothersome and so infuriatingly unbearable. I’ll admit there have been several occasions during this time of the year where I felt my limits to my self-control shattering and I wanted to pulverise people who go too far.

So here’s a warning to everyone who reads this post: don’t even try your luck with me because I will have little tolerance for such activity that I deem as unbearable. After all, I do call myself the World’s nemesis for several reasons, and there is the possibility that my appearance and demeanour might be intimidating and scary even when I am not intending to be anything other than in control of myself (and if I come across as uneasy to be with when I am in control, it must be horrifying to imagine what I would be like when I’ve lost control).    

Self-control and preservation is crucial for me in order to function and behave “appropriately” in society as well as maintain the wellbeing for those around me. Limit Breaks are great to perform in Final Fantasy games, but not so good to try on me because it’s those limits that define when I am in control of myself and when I’m not going to hold back. The more I learn and understand myself, the more aware of the triggers that create anxiety, discomfort, fear and disdain within me. No matter how well I understand myself however; there are instances and notions that rattle me that are still ambiguous (hence the title of this post: “Ambiguous forebodings”).       

As with the countless experiences, interpretations, feelings, creations and possibilities people in general are associated with that can either be fictional or nonfiction, “Good”, “bad”, similar, different, definable or indescribable; the definition of ambiguous (ambiguity) can be applied to an infinite number of happenstances in life. Confused, and you haven’t gone to confused.com? As long as people are free to make their own interpretations; one (1) thing may have more than one (1) meaning. The term “swatting” for example is generally defined as hit/strike with a sharp blow, like for instance: “I swat a spider beside the kitchen window”. However; “swatting” is also a term for an appalling trend in which a person anonymously files a false police report, such as a murder or bomb threat, in hopes of provoking the police to raid an individual’s home, business or public place.

So with the term “ambiguous” defined; I can try to define some of the happenstances that trigger a particular sense of foreboding. By now it’s no secret I don’t like people in general and prefer to be by myself. Furthermore, I have a tendency to obey my gut feeling when something or someone makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable and therefore choose to evade and not take risks (this nearly proves to be the best COA (Course of Action) because experiences that involved taking the risks caused trouble and problems later on).

When it comes to small groups of people or an individual; I am always apprehensive to join the party (NOT the type where there is food, music and people wrestling pet dogs, a party can also mean a group of people). It takes a long time to adjust, adapt and to open up due to my nature and experiences; but when this happens this leads to opportunities such as gaining friends, or a friend. I can say that I have friends, but I can also say that having friends has led to numerous instances where problems occur which create a lasting impression that makes it wise for me to keep my distance and evade situations that cause apprehension and may antagonise me. In one (1) such instance; I was asked to put my name down on a loan application which would mean I would be accountable to make the repayments along with the friend, I said “no” and that was that; a lasting impression that there would be more cons then pros with being associated with that person (this has also occurred with family members as well!). With past and present experiences; I am all too aware of the apprehension and foreboding I feel when I associate with these people and have grown paranoid whenever an email or text message pops up regarding finance or anything that I would relate with a past experience.

As a reserved pessimist who calls himself an abomination to life and humanity who doesn’t trust easily; I am guilty of judging people within the first few seconds of meeting someone. I am haunted by the lectures during the school years about how not to follow the judgement you make of a person after the first couple of seconds, however when I have to remember the times I have been bullied and attacked, my instinct is that if someone gives me a bad feeling; I subsequently attempt to evade that individual. It’s entirely possible that the person I don’t know and am evading due to my perception could be a very nice person and cause no harm, but if my perception picks up any distinguishable trait that I don’t feel comfortable with such as the roughness of the person’s complexion and appearance, I will evade and not interact with because those traits could lead to a justified feeling of dread.

Now call me a coward or a hypocrite if you want to, but when I come across or see a person or a bunch of people wearing jackets with their hoods up, or wears some form of hat/cap; I feel an immediate threat and will subsequently do my best to evade to prevent a potential situation. To me anyone who wears something as a means to conceal his/hers face spells trouble. Now I myself have worn jackets with hoods attached and a few times I have worn the hood over my head, however that is due to feeling the cold atmosphere against my face. For that reason, I can understand the need to wear a hood or cover the head in some way to stay warm or protect against the weather. It isn’t easy however for me to distinguish people dressed in this manner because a few years ago I was approached and somewhat boxed-in by three (3) people who hid their faces whilst I was making my way back home on Portland (Dorset). They wanted my valuables like my wallet, cards and mobile phone and it was blatantly clear they weren’t bluffing because one (1) of them revealed a concealed knife. And yet despite this threat and potential fatality that awaited me; I didn’t comply to their demands and just walked on, even though they stayed beside me until I pointed out the stupidity of what they were doing. This was during the early evening and there was a road, a school, playing fields, a church and several resident buildings close by which meant people could see I was being harassed and would see if I was struck and left bleeding on the pavement. Additionally, at this point, I have been bullied enough times and gotten used to being treated like the easy target, so I wasn’t going to be intimidated by their attempts. I got struck in the face and knocked down, which resulted in a couple of bruises and a fractured screen on my mobile phone, but they did not use the knife and scarpered without any of my valuables or belongings. Following this incident; I am untrustworthy of anyone who wears a hood or any hat/cap over their head because all I see is a potential case of Déjà vu.

The paragraphs above define some of the triggers and reasons for my forebodings that I am aware of. As mentioned previously in the post; there are going to be causes for dread that aren’t obvious to me (like possibly having a sense of reluctance when it comes to heights or certain animals), and it’s unlikely I’ll be willing to forgo my experiences and instincts to become something I’m not. There are also other notions of fear I have such as the fear of hurting another person close to me (no matter how much I strive to prevent such a disaster), that has been written/typed up on previous posts on the SJBMCPRS Report that are available to read upon (in case you (the reader) is interested). The reality is, is that I am a pessimist, and I stick to my perceptions and instincts like a pigeon stuffed into a sandwich toaster that has been glued shut, sealed by 25,000 rolls of sellotape, soldered onto the roof of Buckingham Palace, and weighed down by the total weight of every Ford F-Series pickup truck in the whole world!! Opps; I think I accidentally unveiled where Prince Charles can find the Christmas present I got for him!

So this is where I conclude this post. It may come across that I've repeated several perceptions from previous posts (and therefore I apologise for not being original), but the purpose of this post is to explain my perception on what is fearsome. Please remember that while there are serious contents and real life references contained in this post, it is not meant to offend. Do not try anything that has been implied in this post. Stay safe and well and have a great Halloween. Until next time, see ya!