What do we aspire
for? Love? Fame? A sense of immortality? Belief? Accomplishment? To create? Greed?
Companionship? Acknowledgment? A purpose without a definition that only comes
to light with hindsight? To change the world? Absolution? Something that isn’t
there? A purpose that defies description and understanding?
The number of
possible answers to this question is indefinite for many reasons; with there
being a seemingly endless number of human beings that live or have lived in the
entirety of “existence”, comes countless perceptions and aspirations that are
as unique and ‘different’ as people are diverse. Additionally the notion that
nothing is impossible and only seems that way due to limits that can be
conquered with determination and dedication, means that people in general may
not know what they aspire for or have achieved (or not achieved) without
reflection and understanding of the self. If other factors are considered such
as differing education, lifespan, understanding, environments, pressure, race,
gender, abilities and inabilities and so on, the conclusive answer is kind of
inconclusive and that is due to the countless possibilities that are
contributed by the fact that the imagination of any one (1) person is potentially
unfathomably limitless and thus far too difficult to record for another to analyse.
Given the hypothetical example in the previous sentence about just one (1)
person’s aspirations and purpose(s) is affected by the numerous factors such as
environment, gender, wealth, race and so on, and is then fuelled by that person’s
imagination and dedication; just imagine that times by the indefinite number of
people that are either living as of the 1st of October, 2015 and the
people who have passed away… It is simply a mind boggling thing to behold.
Imagine for
example therefore the vast number of accomplishments, aspirations known and not
known and effect on the world that might have been if Elvis Presley’s lifespan
did not conclude on the 16th of August, 1977. Could Elvis have made
more hit songs, appeared more in films, slimmed down and released his own exercise
VHS “500 miles across Blueberry Hill”, become president of the United States,
fed Osama Bin Laden into a wood-chipper, arrested for sexual assault in the
same vein as Rolf Harris, be sent to Space…and so on? The answer is unknown,
perhaps unlikely in most counts given the hypothetical examples given in the sentence
above, but not ‘impossible’ if his death didn’t happen at the time it did.
As ‘ridiculous’
as the context of this post thus far may be (and possibly depressing for fans
to read); there is a point I am striving to imply and that is any given person
or being can aspire to anything and everything with the passion, determination,
belief, resources, health and so on to drive that person to his or her goal. People
and other forms of being such as parrots (for an example) can aspire to any
particular objective/goal or many whatever those aspirations/objectives are. So
if someone’s sole aspiration/purpose was to listen to one (1) Disney song
played on the piano then so be it. If on the other-hand another person’s
objectives are to create the largest working microwave and then get a
hole-in-one in a game of Golf using a tennis racket as a golf-club and Tiger
Wood’s head as a golf-ball and then drown in a vault of milk chocolate then so
be it. The examples in the last sentence are incredibly illegal (and I advise
no-one actually strives for these exact goals), but not ‘impossible’. Man has
been on the Moon on several occasions, Dolly the Sheep became a reality, and in
2005; someone was able to hit Jeremy Clarkson in the face with a pie, so it’s
anything is possible as long as it’s possible to turn a work of fiction like a
dream into reality.
Unfortunately
the same can be said about the worst kind of happenstances that have occurred
such as the Holocaust, 9/11, Josef Fritzl imprisoning her daughter for
twenty-four (24) years, the death of Baby P, and the deaths of numerous people
due to the “influence of media” (and among many other incidents). I’m not implying
that the reasons behind the atrocities implied in the previous sentence was
because the people involved deliberately aspired to do what they did, whereas influences
and happenstances during those moments building up to the atrocity as it is
known to the general public may have played a part such as how a form of media
can imply that killing people is ‘easy’, it is the far bigger concern that the
people committing the implied atrocities had the inability to stop themselves
or see what they were doing was ‘wrong’ and violating human rights and
endangering themselves and other people. And while there are the atrocities
that are brought to people’s attention and create reactions that ‘influence’
changes to make the people in power say: ”we are doing everything we can to
ensure that this atrocity will never happen again”; I have the assumption that
there are incidents exactly like the atrocities mentioned above or worse that
are going on that aren’t being uncovered and stopped. We are our own worst
enemy and the levels of horribleness we can achieve runs parallel to the great
things we as beings can accomplice.
(I apologise for
going off topic in the previous paragraph, but I felt that it had to be mentioned
for educating purposes.)The reality is that anyone or any living being can
aspire to seemingly anything as long as it is feasible given the level of
dedication, resources and so on.
So now if I was
to evaluate myself and ask what I aspire for; the answer is clear to me, but
unfathomable to the uneducated, it is realistically insurmountable, and perhaps
a bitter pill to swallow for others to read. For those who have read my posts
on the SJBMCPRS Report; one (1) might be able to highlight the honest
expressions of how I perceive myself and the world, and what the facets of
SJBMCPRS mean and how they have an effect. Sure there is a mass of complete
horse s*** that comes with every post which added together can poison all of
the water on Earth and make Rowan Atkinson tether a donkey to his head, …and
there are also parts that aren’t easy for readers to understand; but amongst it
all I try to be honest and heartfelt because it’s an aspiration of mine to
write creatively and be honest about myself towards the people I associate with
because I am not very good at speaking in person. And yet is important for me
to express myself in some form because it is ‘disastrous’ to associate with me
blindly (and by blindly I mean ‘by going ahead without any prior knowledge’)
and can lead to more woe.
To sum up how I
am then, it would be best for readers to go through the previous posts illustrating
the each of the facets of SJBMCPRS because there is a lot to understand, but
for those who want a quick summary, I am the ‘World’s Nemesis’; a bizarre self-loathing,
easily paranoid and moody pessimist and wonderer and compulsive racialist who relishes
in the dark and sinister thoughts, but wears a mask (not literally) to make
himself like ‘normal’, but in reality is a three (3) headed Hydra who tries to
retain distance and a degree of self-control, but when pushed beyond limits would
not be able to prevent a rampage of psychological brutality and demise.
Yes that’s me
summarising myself in a quick fashion. It’s not the kind of thing to put into a
CV now is it? Like it or not however this is me and this is how I choose to
explain myself to family and friends and people I need to associate honestly
with because I believe it’s preferable for me not to associate with people and
people not to associate with me. I am worse than the Beast in ‘Beauty and the
Beast’ for thy claws and fangs have been replaced with teeth and flesh, but
underneath there is venom and presence that make titans tremble when angered.
Furthermore, unlike the tale of ‘Beauty and the Beast’; there’s no happy ending
when it comes to me given my experiences in life and how I’ve understood myself
more and more. This is thy world and I alone dwell in the muck filled with
phantoms that I am comfortable with. Thou who associate with me must be aware
of how I am, and for those who can’t deal with it there is always the opportunity
to turn away and run before I: the ‘World’s Nemesis’ send thou down to the
spiral of decline.
If one (1) has
read and understood the posts that define in detail the facets of SJBMCPRS;
then this mat come across as me being overly melancholic. I must assure however
that in explaining what it is I aspire for the most which is insurmountable,
that this is how I feel and what if it were possible I would aspire for. I may
sound like a lunatic or a megalomaniac but I can understand the difference from
fantasy and reality which means in the real world I aspire to be a creative
writer. In the land of fantasy and fiction however it is quite different and
therefore insurmountable, though I will do my best to explain as it is easier
then coming up with what I would like for Christmas every year (which by the
way is less than a hundred (100) days away…ARGH!!).
For me, my
ultimate aspiration would be to exist in a nexus where my existence is erased
from the existence which is known as life on Earth completely. Before someone
takes this out of context and makes a fuss over the wrong impression; it is not
my desire to kill myself or to have my life ended prematurely because ahead of
me lies a road of joy and pain that I want to traverse on, and if it means
living with the misery and dwelling on the woes caused by my existence then let
me wear them like battle-scars as penance for the ‘wrong’ I have committed and
alas may yet committing the future. There is however a fictional universe that
profoundly intrigues me and that is the nexus of Heavenly Host Elementary
School from the Corpse Party series.
To get the best
understanding of the fictional universe of Corpse Party that I have implied
above, it is necessary to have a firm understanding of the plot and
ramifications in the nexus or ‘closed spaces’ of Heavenly Host Elementary
School (to do this its best to start with Corpse Party: Blood Covered Repeated
Fear (which is available via PC, IOS, PSP, PS Vita, and 3DS (Japan Only (at the
moment)). Without gushing other the plot and the events and details; the
essence is that should anyone die in Heavenly Host Elementary School, then
there are trapped forever reliving the moment of death to the end of time in
Heavenly Host Elementary School, while their existence in the real world is
completely erased.
Now this may
sound like absolute Hell, and if you understand the story and plot of Corpse
Party then it would indeed be a form of intolerable hellish torture. It is of
course a work of fiction and therefore not to be taken too seriously. It is
however the insurmountable aspiration that I would prefer to exist in if it
were possible to take something fictional and make it real with all the
supernatural and occult traits and dread of being in such an environment. To
only exist in a nexus cut-off from the real world means I can’t commit any ‘wrong’
or ‘bad’ to anyone because I wouldn’t exist.
This may sound
very, very extreme and a cause for concern, but if I may explain myself as to
why this kind of thing appeals to me; it is in my nature to be a much grounded
being, and I am comfortable in my own space with no obligations to make me
prepare and anxious. I may come across as agoraphobic and have a level of
anthropophobia (which may yet be true), but if I were to summarise how I go
about a week, I would spend 6/10 of my time by myself, 3/10 with family, and
1/10 with my friends. While this is not an approximate value and events can occur
where I spend more time than usual with friends and family than by being by
myself; it is what it is and I apologise if this comes across as being selfish
or taken the wrong way. The reality is I’m not good with people in general and
if I am associating with people for a fair amount of time, I can get agitated when
I am not comfortable with the given situation. Additionally while I am willing
to help out if friends or family have a question or need me (for whatever
reason) to get something done (like ordering something secretly for a family
member for Christmas); I cannot put myself in an uncomfortable situation for a
long time or be a remedy because someone else can’t manage (this is particularly
alienating for me and says about the racialist facet in me when the people who
I associate with are adults like me and cannot go about life on their own).
While I’m willing to be doing the best I can to do some ‘good’, I am 99% of the
time a pessimist who feels unable to be ‘good’ and preferring the company of my
own battles and dilemmas in a closed space away from others to prevent potential
wrong doing.
That is why the
nexus of Heavenly Host Elementary School in the Corpse Party series appeals to
me because in that regard I would be shut-off from the real world where I can
cause no ‘wrong’ or get agitated by people in general or put in uncomfortable
situations. As bad as it may be to feel the moment of death for the rest of
time in Heavenly Host Elementary School, especially if the cause of death was
due to being pushed off from the top of a stair-case and landing fatally with
my ribs shattering upon impact and piercing my lungs instantaneously leading to
a slow and very painful demise…I am not a fan of my own life, I despise myself
and due to my paranoia; I am painfully aware that I can inadvertently slip on
the pavement beside traffic or at the coastal path at the top of Portland, Dorset.
As gruesome as death sounds, it is not something I am seeking for; I’m merely
wary that death is inevitable and when it happens, it is what it is.
Some people have
said that if the insurmountable was possible or if there was any one (1) thing
they could have no matter if it wasn’t real; they would have super powers, a
means to stop time, go back in time to fix a problem, or do something
extraordinary. Others do not know what they would have or would have if the
insurmountable was achievable. Me? A space that is cut-off from the rest of the
world entirely where I can inhibit willingly would be the one (1) aspiration
that is I’m afraid a bit like Shangri-La: a fantasy world that only exists of
beings who dream of such.
Does this still
come across as overly extreme and concerning, or unclear? If so then I apologise
for being unable to be clear enough. It is what it is however and in the end
this is only my perception which should not be taken too seriously or out of
context or else that would give the wrong impression and place people in
unnecessarily dangerous predicaments.
Please be wary
and until next time, see ya!
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