So now we get to
the ‘C’ in SJBMCPRS; what does it stand for? It stands for compulsion and
handling compulsive behaviours and actions. Now I’ll admit I’m not a being of
rules and guidelines that if I were to break them; it would result simultaneously
with being shot in neck with a bullet that severs the carotid artery and leads
me to tumble over and bleed to death with Tobin Bell playing the character “Jigsaw”
looking over from bedside uttering the words “game over”. No that doesn’t happen;
instead I abominate myself a little bit more and might strike myself depending
on the severity of my actions and behaviour going against what I wanted to
follow. That said I won’t deny there’s a ‘routine’ I tend to follow which at
times I am not aware of that I am doing, and other times when I am well aware
of what I’m thinking and how I am behaving. Furthermore I am one that is meticulous
and have a habit of doubly checking if I’ve done a certain task correctly in my
perception or if someone else I know has performed a task appositely.
So what are
these compulsive actions and behaviours that I notice? Hmm, let me see know…or
rather list just a few that I know I am aware of about myself (drumroll please):
- Washing my hands as thoroughly as I can very often without being so extreme that I have a sterilisation room that makes me unsullied (although I wouldn’t mind such a room or contraption).
- Ensuring that everything electrical is turned off and removed from an electrical point (except the fridge!) when I am leaving for any amount of time because I am all too paranoid about the additional expenses of having anything being left on when its unnecessary.
- Double-checking any calculations numerous times in my mind and sometimes with the calculator app on my Samsung Galaxy S5; especially when it comes to preparing bill payments and shopping.
- Making notes and lists for numerous reasons which may be perceived as untimely and unyielding, such as preparing Christmas 2015 presents as early as the 2nd of January (2015) after making an unforeseen start (which did happen on that very day in the HMV store in Bournemouth town centre at 12:38).
- Going into too much detail and being incapable of giving a straight answer. This is particularly easy for me as I overwhelm the people I associate with details that yield no purpose to share or point-out other than to unwillingly prove how obsessive I can come across (seriously if you’ve read my posts on the SJBMCPRS Report, or seen some of my fictional writing then you know exactly what I mean).
- Putting other people’s matters before mine even when I know I shouldn’t be doing so.
- Declare war on the toilet in the bathroom of my flat (which I technically can rent out for a maximum of two (2) years (although there are acceptable exceptions)) whenever the smell and presence of sewage water makes me want to hurl or prove incapable of flushing!
- Being the source of negativity in any given situation and perceiving a given situation that involves me as ‘tainted’ and ‘ruined’ because of my presence.
- Listing my video games, DVDs, books, and food in an ‘appropriate’ order.
- Imagining the perspective of a person/character that is purely fiction and trying my best to ‘please’ or ‘do right’ by them.
- Over react!
That’s
just a few that I know of and I’m as certain as an anaconda cannot consume the
Eiffel Tower, the vastness of the Grand Canyon and the entire porn and drug
industry in one (1) go and still be alive; that there are more that I am not
aware of. So is it any surprise that I self-diagnose myself with a degree of
OCD? Well yes actually because I’m not a psychiatrist or a doctor in any sense
of the word. As it turns out however, it is implied on the session reviews I
have with my psychiatrist that I have some degree of OCD as well as high-functioning
aspergers (spelling of word may be incorrect), so I must be accurate.
So
let’s literate; OCD generally is defined as ‘obsessive compulsive disorder’,
and if I were to put myself under a microscope and determine if I reach the
criteria for this particular mental disorder, then the answer would be a
resounding success that gives people who ought to stay away from the World’s
Nemesis even more reason to brick themselves in for their safety! Yes it’s the sign
of the apocalypse! Sound the alarms, mug every politician, paint the ceilings
of the heavens in pink, put Simon Cowell in a baboon suit and let him drown on
the 2017 equivalent of the Titanic along with everyone who has appeared on
Channel 5 News who has been stalked by a T-Rex with 964 billion Milky Way bars
in its stomach!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay,
okay! Let’s not lose our heads because the reality is, is that it’s not the end
of the world and the nonsense mentioned in the paragraph above is an example of
me overreacting and going into too much detail of how to put the world right. …BUT
that is a trait of my compulsive mentality. I have a tendency to fly off the
handle and pulverise the Teletubbies every time I am antagonised. As for the
more realistic compulsions such as washing my hands a lot; it is no secret that
I prefer a clean space to inhibit and the same goes for my hands as I generally
freak out mentally to myself when the context of another person’s hand (from a
hand-shake for example) disrupts the known feeling of my hands.
In
short then; I have numerous compulsive traits that define me as the being (of
terror known as the World’s Nemesis) that I am. Therefore ‘compulsion’ is among
the facets of SJBMCPRS; and for better or worse, this the way it is with me.
Whether it be a fabled fact conducted by the baffling mentality of mine or an
illusion, the process of diagnosing myself and identifying the numerous facets
of my mentality has helped me understand myself better than I ever have.
Has
discovering more about myself and sharing these facets of SJBMCPRS and my perception
on various posts been a good thing? The answer to the question will be answered
after the break.
Narrator: “Have you had
enough of watching programs on the television or online or played a video game
that you may describe as ‘eye-cancer’ and causes uncensored fury and bleeding
of the ears? Are you tired of being disappointed by a form of media that has
under-inflated your expectations? Then this is the solution that will put a
stop to all of the misery: “Just turn it off”. That’s right; all you need to do
is stop watching and interacting with the source of misery and just turn it off
and do something else. It’s that straightforward! Do it now and feel better by
not giving the source of your misery your precious time and making you worse
off. Make more of your day and “Just turn it off””.
Welcome
back from the break; the answer to the question depends on the perception of
the person thinking about this. One (1) might perceive this like the unpeeling
of an onion; the more and more of that onion that represents my mentality is
peeled away, the more the scent of the onion causes tears to emerge. Like the unpleasant
scent of an onion; the contents of these posts contain parts of unpleasant real
life notions and circumstances that may hit closer to home for those reading.
For
me expressing myself honestly here, it’s far from sobering/comforting having to
come to the terms of how aspects of my being has not only lasting effects on my
future but also the people I associate with such as family and friends. One (1)
of the contributing reasons behind the creation of the SJBMCPRS Report is to
inform the people I associate with about the traits that define me that I do not
find easy talk about openly in front of them. And yet I owe it to these people
because they see me as someone that I’m not and therefore the revealing of
these traits are meant to inform these people of the person behind the mask
that is worn to make it seem like I fit in and I have no problem with dealing
with reality and being out in the open. By peeling away the layers of the onion
that symbolises my mentality and uploading posts containing the true nature of
mine; I am offering a perception of someone who underneath that mask doesn’t
like socialising, feels intimidated and bitter about the world and its inhabitants,
despises himself more than anything, and goes about his way as a means to take
control of his life, getting along satisfactory and braving the so-called ‘impossible’
which has no real world definition but remains unobtainable to limits.
An
example of mine where I attempted to get along while dealing with my nature
such as compulsions was when I was working in the Asda café in Weymouth. The
target of being ‘decent’ by my criteria and the member of staff I was employed
to be was the so-called ‘impossible’. In reality there was nothing ‘impossible’
about the role I was meant to play among the team of staff there; I can wash
up, I can cook and prep food such as scrambled eggs for the next morning shift,
I can close down the café when work on that day was finished, I can retrieve
and stock foods and products, I can wash tables, chairs and make the café presentable,
and I can assist the public when required. However the limits of my ability
meant that while I did all those tasks and battled with my unsuitable mentality
for as long and as best I could, I couldn’t perform the duties and supress my struggles
to the calibre desired, and the more I pushed myself towards my limits, the
less and less I could cope. And instead of performing a ‘Limit-break” like the
playable characters in the Final Fantasy main instalments, I reached my
breaking-point and if I had pushed further, I would’ve snapped and been unable
to contain myself.
Here’s
the bottom line to people in general: “I can’t stand you”. I simply lost count
of how many days I was performing with the mask on; knowing that the facets of
my mentality were lining themselves together to shatter that mask and do the
kind of things that I silently (and devilishly) relished in my mind.
While
the inappropriate time working for the Asda café in Weymouth has passed and I’ve
taken myself out of the equation where I can zone-out and recuperate, I know
what my limits are and how they can be breached once again. By understanding
myself better and knowing what my limits are; I can be more accepting of what’s
within my capabilities and what isn’t. I can manage the facets of my mentality
when they are screaming from behind the mask, I can easily live with my traits
such as compulsions, yearning to traverse into nothingness, while being paranoid.
I can and will fly with broken wings, but once the mask has come off and my
limits have been conquered; the World’s Nemesis will want to ignite and lay
waste to whatever is deemed an obstacle. This isn’t intended to be a threat; it
is simply the way it is.
To
evade this is simple; I must avoid situations where inappropriate and the
triggers that can cause me mental complications. Its straightforward logic and
its one (1) I have adapted to over the years, alas it’s not always easy to
maintain my cool and stay behind the mask which is used for everyone’s’ benefit.
As bad as this sounds, there is a comforting thought at that is that at least I
don’t pull any punches (in other words I’m being (brutally) honest about all
this).
So
there it is, the ‘C’ in SJBMCPRS has been unveiled, which means all the facets
have been revealed. Whether these posts are of any use to readers or not, my
posts are available to be read; just as long as it is understood that the
writing on the SJBMCPRS Report are based on my honest opinion and shouldn’t be
taken as fact. With that said, this concludes this post on the SJBMCPRS Report,
and until next time; see ya!
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