Susceptible fortitude – SJBMCPRS Diagnoses

Disclaimer: The following post on the SJBMCPRS Report is not to be taken overly seriously, and is purposely expressive with an intent to imply the author’s perspective (which people are free to view if they choose to). However, the contents of this post will contain some real-world properties and questionable language, which along with the entirety of this post may be taken as offensive to people.

“I think most people are more susceptible to prejudice than to reason.” – Roger Ebert

Picture if you will, your life in a space or state of mind which houses everything that makes you, you. This is your inner sanctuary, where you can be yourself and the world is not perceived by mere science and facts, but also tinted and shaped by your own thoughts, values and experiences. Here; you are your own boss, free to make decisions that only you can judge. You may call it a bubble or a fortress of solitude, or something entirely unique to you. Either way; it’s your own cushion to soften the bumps you’ll encounter and a means to shield oneself enough for you to perceive the countless happenstances in life and then interpret what is happening in a way you can understand and use. Now such places and means do exist and people can and do go to lengths to secure themselves. It could be a personalised room filled with belongings and items that you enjoy. It could be a shed, or a particular place that is special to you. It doesn’t even need to be a place exactly, as something like a soft toy you embrace can immerse you into a sense of solitude. It could be that you feel your best and safest when you are with someone. ...Or its already there and all you need is that space that you create to allow yourself to be the best version of you. In an existence where everything and essentially everyone moves forward in life with little relent and little room for personal obligations, the moments you have to yourself, even if only through thought can be a relief.

The thing is, everyone has their own means of salvation and fortitude, all the while co-existing on a planet where having enough space can feel like an unaffordable luxury at times. Therefore, any kind of interruption persistent or sufficient enough will cause tension to arise. If you imagine a collection of balloons being set free as people in their moment of fortitude drifting away peacefully, only to then be bumped aside by one (1) or more balloons, then you can imagine how a person will react when their space and comfort zone is violated. All of a sudden one (1) can imagine the chaos and the clashing of egos in an overfilled prison.

We are creatures of habit with the ability to make ourselves adapt to situations by taking what feels necessary to fulfil criteria for sustainable living. We are also instinctually aware of the need for self-preservation, meaning that we react in accordance to what protects us from a threat or a situation where our interests may be compromised. A form of violation therefore will not sit well, especially when one’s own safety is compromised. The amount of space from one (1) person to another is alas not made out of imperishable material; it is a gap consisting of oxygen and carbon dioxide and perhaps threads of plantation or litter, which won’t prevent a form of interruption occurring. What’s more our bodies are not made of imperishable material either, in fact; we are all susceptible in many, many ways.

Imagine for instance; that you are in a place you call home and it is quintessentially your personal sanctuary, do you think that having a home will fully protect you from another person out for no good? In some ways, it can, but it doesn’t prevent the person out for no good from getting to you in another way. Just because the person out for no good can’t pass through the walls and doors in order to interfere with you person to person, doesn’t stop him/her from causing interference by shouting or manipulating a system like an intercom or a phone. An unwanted interruption can ruffle a few feathers as it were because our habits and routine are jeopardised. Imagine if you are trying to sleep and then you get interrupted by an unexpected call, or txt message. That is one (1) way to disturb someone without having to be at close proximity to the person.

Now one (1) can shrug off the interruption as an unsubstantial inconvenience, but not everyone can. Not everyone can tolerate the same amount of grievances, and can feel compromised and vulnerable by something that occurs that is intentional or not. A phone going off; resulting in nothing more than a company or person who falsely believes they are offering a service to the correct person...only for this call to happen once more, and again...and again. That is just one (1) example, but even that can irritate or intimidate someone who does not like being called out of the blue by a stranger or by someone undesirable.

The thing is; intercoms, phone calls and the racket people make passing by are not the only means to compromise one’s sense of fortitude. As implied before; we are all susceptible in many, many ways. One (1) day; person A could be feeling okay as he/she travels to his/her destination via public transport, there is someone with the flu trying to fight off the defeating symptoms, but to no prevail, and hours later person A has caught the flu, and is now compromised by the irritable sneezing and wheezing. That is another way one’s sense of fortitude can be compromised, and what’s more it’s not like the passing of flu is intentional in these circumstances.       

Additionally, one’s susceptibility isn’t just due from the cause of another person’s actions. More often than not, our own thoughts, feelings, actions and choices can affect our state both mentally and physically. Maybe you decide to listen to a collection of music on your way back home as opposed to hearing the traffic of vehicles passing by as well as the notions of other people around you, and you hear a song for instance that you perceive as significant and thus puts you in a particular state. In that instance; the notions that are associated with the particular song rush to your mind, and send numerous signals that stimulate your body and mood accordingly. For better or for worse, you are affected differently to how you were before listening to the particular song that is coursing through your state of mind like the tide engulfing up the sand and pebbles. That said, while a song may have an effect upon you in that it brings up memories or tempers with the tempo of your soul, it is not necessarily such an overpowering change that prevents you from functioning. And just like a song, or the previous examples given previously, it is a condition that we as people are susceptible, to which we adapt to current circumstances to contend with on a consistent basis.     

At the time of developing this post, we are currently in the spring season, (more accurately, April). This can either be significant or insignificant to many people, though to those who suffer from hay-fever (also known as allergic rhinitis) become more susceptible to the abundance of pollen in the atmosphere. This is just yet another example of how people can become susceptible, which is all the more reason I wonder why I don’t see people dragging bags or travel cases stuffed with precautionary items such as tissues, hay-fever medication, bottlecap openers, antibacterial wipes, mouthwash, towels and so on, along at all times just in case because some things to become susceptible to can affect you negatively. I mean I can assume on a number of reasons why such an approach is impractical and cumbersome on a day to day basis...

Perhaps I’m just paranoid and random at the same time to the extent that I feel that some “solutions” I come up with portrays me as a wholly insecure person with little to no regard to how questionable I come across to other people. An example of my questionable processes is me having no concerns of consuming a receipt to avoid potential complications with other people, i.e. the bin is overfilled and obscured by a crowd of people. Actions like that may seem as random as bringing a pack of antibacterial wipes in my bag for instances that are unlikely to occur or require them, but more often than not I do these things to put my sense of being at ease, and to feel adequate. If this sounds mind-boggling and a little off-putting, do consider that I have gone to the extent of fabricating “wearables” that involved using super glue to tether a ‘tail’ to the back of my head to replicate the look of Yuna from Final Fantasy X-2, as a means to make myself happy. ...Then consider the costs and trouble it took to make a board game/exhibition piece out of an assortment of props, to simply visually demonstrate a perception of mental health that could have simply been told in a five (5) minute or so conversation. The bottom line is, I do things that rectify my notions of imbalance and inadequacy (which there is a lot of) in order to feel secure about myself, even if my methods aren’t the best protocols and seem weird or questionable. And in the instances where my means seem questionable at first but then serve some use, i.e. to remedy a problem or put a smile on a friend’s face, that’s a positive sensation worth striving for in my book.

...Or at least I assume it is. In the llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg time its taken me to develop this post, which incidentally was meant to be published before the end of February 2017 (oopps!), a fair number of happenstances have occurred that have beckoned an abundance of mental conflicts and questions that have no answers. From having my sense of security disturbed/compromised at five (5) AM on a Sunday by a stranger carrying drugs on the intercom wanting to get into my home, to having to consider two (2) places where I could’ve moved onto in a manner that seemed hastened objectively; I have had to undergo a degree of consistent stress and self-evaluation that has brought about a mass of uncertainties to which I have no conclusive solutions for. While I won’t instigate a fuss to make it sound like no-one’s matters/problems pale in comparison to mine because that simply isn’t true, I will state that for me this passage of time has caused me to put the usual matters aside for the sake of putting me first (1^st) ...something I do not consider when the norm is to put the matters of people significant to me as priority. As a consequence; my sense of creativity was hindered to the point that I had little to no motivation for my projects, fictional writing and occasional drawings. What’s more; because I am in the mindset that I will be moving to a new place to call my home sooner rather than later, it means I couldn’t put much empathises on something that does indeed make my feel like I’m doing something with my time: getting birthday and Christmas presents for family and friends (because I don’t want to contribute to the number of belongings that will have to be packed and transported from one (1) to another). And another thing, did this have to transpire while bank holidays and so on were going on, inviting lots of people to clog up the breathing spaces? Couldn’t tourists go on their holidays in space instead? Ugh... I feel so alienated and out of place, ...I must have stumbled on a new level of purgatory!

In the time between the previous post that was published on the ninth (9^th) of February 2017, to when this post is finally uploaded; the mindsets I have had have varied, bringing to the fray a host of opposing notions and second (2^nd) thoughts. Such questions as ‘will I find a new home suitable for me to live in, or will I have to persevere in a place that already requires too many compromises?’, ‘how do I overcome this proverbial roadblock?’, ‘will I accept the answer I’ll get if I ask my friends for a little more transparency?’, ‘how do I undo the inadvertent damage done to the kitchen worktop?’, ‘what if I tribute-summoned two (2) monsters to play the Blue Eyes White Dragon instead of risking my life points on a whim?’, ‘how can I wonder if I left the iron on if I do not have an iron?’, ‘should I be annoyed at myself for something that did not transpire?’, ‘Am I satisfied with the way things are going?’, ...and several more questions have preoccupied my mind of late, and unfortunately not only do I not have any conclusive answers, but due to pessimism, I dread the possible outcomes that may happen.

One (1) question that I have asked myself; to which I have been able to answer regarded a matter that I now feel overly conscious of, and not in a good way. I have learned that I am in fact rather selfish and unable to look past certain aspects when it comes to finding a new home. For instance I am aware of the amount of belongings that I will have to find room for and organise in a new space, and mindful that I will inevitably acquire more possessions that will consume more space, meaning that I can’t settle with a place smaller than what I have at the moment. This is an occurrence that I realised too late as I was offered a place in the form of a studio flat which I thought beforehand would be more than I deserve, but having lived independently for almost two (2) years, I’ve come to the realisation that anything on the small side like a studio flat will not do. Now one (1) might think this is a valuable lesson that will help make me wiser, and that is undeniably true, but this realisation has a damming and demoralising affect of making me realise just how bloated I am, ...more bloated than I already am that is.

Something else that I realised was a definite no-no is the sight of a pay as you go electric meter. Call me fickle but I despise these systems in the same way I would despise the monstrosity born from using Polymerization to fuse Dobby the House Elf and Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter universe. I’m rather paranoid about how much electricity I use because I know I can assume a lot, what with my use of the TV, consoles, PCs, charging phones and how much the use of heating appliances will cost if the automated system kicked in and I couldn’t stop it. With this mind; a pay as you go meter would make me apoplectic because I would not want to find myself in a situation where I would have to top-up on a day to day basis and at uneven amounts as well because one (1) day I could be by myself keeping the charge to a respectfully concise level, and then the following day, I have my family over, consuming electricity like there’s no tomorrow. And don’t think that’s ridiculous because I have a history of the family’s consumption outweighing the amount of top-up we could afford during the Christmas season. Yikes! I do not need a reminder of those frustrating and costly times. To me, the sight of a pay as you go meter is like a giant middle finger careening towards me while spraying vomit made out of ravioli and dark chocolate. While it would be possible to convert a pay as you go meter to a more conventional system, it would require a time-consuming process and the housing company to respond, which is something I’ve learnt is a lumbering and exhausting ordeal. Call me ignorant, but when the time comes to moving to a new place to call home, I would rather seek for an easier and straightforward transferring process than undertake a problematic and stressful ordeal.  

The examples regarding my conditions for housing are alas among the very few matters that I have learned from. While the time will eventually come when I find a new place to call home and the anxieties involved with this process will be extinguished; there are other matters that I must address in order to regain a sense of sustainable fortitude in my life. ...Matters that make me worry not just because of the mass of uncertainty that disquiets me, but also have potential ramifications that affects my perception on how life is currently as well as in the future.  

For all my flaws (and trust me there’s a TON) and opinions, I do strive to do some good, even if my means of doing good or right by someone is subjective. It’s no secret I try to put those who are significant to me over before I consider thinking about myself; though I often wonder if my efforts are fraught and end up doing the exact opposite and mark people I initially perceive as allies as the boldest of red blemishes in a sea of yellows, oranges, reds, blacks and so very, very few blues and greens. Its not like it doesn’t happen; on a rough estimate, I’d say about ninety (90%) percent of people I meet and try to be cohesive with eventually become the living embodiment of a wound that never heals (bear in mind there isn’t a long list of people I have recollections of). As implied numerous times, before in previous posts; I don’t fancy my chances of breaking this streak, and nor will I be surprised if I fail again.

To prevent this and ensure I am a being who can do some good and be reliable, I go out of my way to earn that trust/good reception, even if it’s the slightest of positive regards discarded as inconsequently as a cigarette butt in a surface water drain along the road. This is nothing new, and while some efforts backfire, it has worked on numerous occasions (by no means is it a scheme to gain someone’s trust only to then use that person for gain and discard after their use is fulfilled; its simply how I go about meeting people and establishing a connections). As of 2017; I think I have established a good and collaborative friendship with a handful of people. Provided I don’t mess things up; I can be content with the current existing state of affairs, and the friends and family I have can continue to tolerate me.

...But is this enough I ask myself. I certainly do not intend to imply any kind of motive when I speak of this matter, and nor do I imply that I am only on good terms with friends and family because I serve as a valuable tool for their gain. The thing is, as time goes on I nervously wonder if these bonds are genuine enough for me to believe to be legitimate, that I truly am a friend as well as a good person in their eyes. I am an individual plighted with insecurities, I am susceptible to doubts, and consider myself with little self-worth or value to anyone (at least in terms of a way that I can comprehend), thus supressing my uneasiness is a challenge. It could simply be a matter of its just me not truly grasping reality while at the same time believing my own prejudices, even though I have experience that validates these notions. For those who know me; this no doubt is sounding more and more like a broken vinyl record constantly on repeat, and I apologise. Unfortunately, this is just how I am, though here in lies the thorny matter that when I think about it creates more dread.

What if I overcome this proverbial roadblock of mine and not only accept that things are great because the bonds between myself and my friends are rock solid, but actually believe that I have broken through the glass ceiling of doubt and uncertainty, and everything is awesome. What if we all bonded in such a way that we lay out a hand that when in unison creates a depiction of a smiley face similar to the Symbol of Friendship found in Yu-Gi-Oh! Admittedly, this sounds so unbelievably nutty (but not in a ‘bad’ way), but for the sake of being hypothetical, what if there is simply no way I could possibly ruin things and life builds and builds to higher prospects? What happens if somehow in the future the almost two (2) year-old leaning against the door says his/her first (1^st) words and they are “Mummy, Daddy”, referring to me and the most beautiful person, the golden gem that is my partner in life?  

......................................................................................................................................Wow, just wow.

Now hear me out, this is purely an assortment of hypothetical what if scenarios depicting something more like a fairy-tale rather than a possible reality. The thing is ...I wouldn’t mention it if I didn’t think that this was a possibility. In spite of the fact that the Beauty and the Beast is a work of fiction; I do genuinely believe that two (2) opposites can attract (i.e. a person with unequalled beauty in every regard can love someone who is regarded as a beast, and vice-versa). I’m not going to imply that I am holding anyone in such regard that its palpable, simply because it doesn’t exist yet. It does however concern me because the implications of what could someday be a reality is frightening to me. Call me naïve, but during this passage of time where I had to consider myself and look at the near future, the thought occurred to me that such possibilities weren’t as unfathomable as a world completely without doubt and trees made of donuts sprinkled with uranium. Yes, at this moment of time, such a reality would seem like an illusion dreamt up by a mind filled with disillusion. However, if I am of the mindset that I would require the next place for me to call home to be equal to the size of my current home or bigger so that I could accommodate for future developments, then the same can be said for this scenario involving more than just one (1) person. ...(sigh) perhaps I should work more on the “Three D's: Destination, Determination and Deliberation” principal and prepare myself for a fortified and stable future that I would be ready for, rather than debate pointlessly about how susceptibly meek I feel hypothesising scenarios that may or may not occur.

With that said; I can’t escape from the grasp of uncertainty, not when I am prone to so many influences that take me away from my focus of carrying on with life as if everything mentioned in this post is inconsequential. If I had the answers to the abundance of unanswered questions I have then perhaps I could begin to worry less and show less vulnerability to all the things that is chipping away at my sense of fortitude. But I know that isn’t real. Even if all the answers presented themselves to me tomorrow; giving me a brief moment of solace, I know that I and the ongoing happenstances transpiring will conjure something up to render something susceptible once more.  I won’t blame anyone or any actual real-life situations, and nor the 2017 live-action adoption of Beauty and the Beast for implanting poignant songs like ‘How Does A Moment Forever’, ‘Days In The Sun’ and ‘Evermore’ because other songs like ‘My Blue Heart’ from Piano Fantasia Pretty Soldier SAILOR MOON Supers and ‘1000 Words’ and ‘Yuna’s Ballad’ from Final Fantasy X-2 have left me in mellowed-out susceptible states as well; though they don’t help as nowadays I’m not so certain now of what I should dread more... A future filled with the familiar fraught of an empty pain going on and on, or the path of uncertainty wed with speckles of bliss?

...(sigh) Indeed, my sense of fortitude is crumbling like a sand castle buckling under the pressure of someone’s foot. With many notions embedded like those mentioned above plus even more, I should probably come to the conclusion that I will always be prone to susceptibility because the way I am makes me susceptible to a growing list of things that may happen once, may happen occasionally, or may not happen yet the illusion of possibility makes such notions profound. All I can do is fool myself thinking I am on the right path in my life, and continue onwards for evermore. On that note, I will bring an end to this llllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg post with a pace and direction that is seemingly everything and everything but coherent. Until next time, see ya!