Life; much like
the weather is anything but completely predictable, and as time passes on and
the environment and perceptions change over time, so do people. A common
example is how people lose and gain weight during the duration of their lives.
Nothing is simply oblivious or incapable of change because all things are
affected by factors including the environment and genetics. What we may call
oblivious is in fact only a term we use when people are easily able to identify
and understand a given happenstance like its ‘obvious’ that Nicholas Cage is an
actor given the films he’s starred in, and its ‘obvious’ that David Cameron
like all the Government figure heads are hated because they don’t fulfil the
public’s desires as people would hope.
Am I any
different? Let’s answer that question with another question shall we. Is every
body of liquid drinkable? The answer is no, which means I am not unaffected by
countless factors and incapable of changing. Whether I acknowledge the changes
happening or not; my body will change over time, my mentality will differ, my
perspective will alter as I grow older and experiences will make me wiser, even
though I am an idiot no doubt about it!
Perhaps the most
distinctive difference that I am aware of is due to my friends and the
beneficial affects they have on me. I can honestly say without hesitation or
fear of an attack made by a squadron of flying watermelons carrying surface
piercing tactical bombs, that I have never been happier or afraid (or been in
such an extreme flux of altering emotions) since getting to know my friends and
in return them putting up with me and calling me a ‘friend’. Coming from a (self-defined)
hermit crab (in other words: I’m reserved and for the most part shut off from
the rest of the ‘normal’ world); it would be strange to admit that I’ve been gradually
spending more and more time away from what I consider the ‘norm’.
The present
reality is that as I type this post up, I am NOT at home; sitting on my broken
bed in my room with a keyboard on my lap and a computer mouse in my right hand,
in front of my 32” Samsung LCD 1080p TV displaying the contents of my post via
a HDMI connected to a PC. Nope; instead I am using my ‘Old and faithfully lap
melting’ laptop/notebook to type up this post whilst I am staying with a dear friend
and her greatly generous and tolerating father in Yeovil.
……...I won’t
mention names for data protection, and embarrassment avoiding reasons; …but
they know who they are and while I sincerely mean it when I say “Thank you very
much”, and am having a tremendous time…. I know I am not going to escape Yeovil
without some kind of (painful) ‘reminder’! I kid, I kid...but seriously I
deserve whatever ‘reminder’ is served like having a pineapple placed on my head
or a trouncing due to my present lack of professional integrity.
As of
05/06/2015; several of the rules I have to implement self-discipline and the
way of life that I am familiar with, have been thrown out the window like
someone’s bodily waste in the early 1900s in London. One of these rules is
implemented to prevent myself from becoming dangerously obese once again like
when I was many years prior and weighed twenty-one (21) stone. To accomplice
this I wouldn’t eat snacks such as sweets, crisps, biscuits, and I wouldn’t desire
unnecessary meals like breakfast and dessert. For several years this rule has
served me well both physically and mentally; but now I am open to indulge once
again on the foods that I regarded as ‘forbidden’ because I want to show how
adaptable I can be and not make my friends feel awkward by me resisting when
they don’t. This may sound like a ‘bad’ development; but it’s not because I
enjoy the company and it helps me enjoy life a little bit more by joining in.
And besides I walk often and attend a gym, so I ought to be fine if I decide
now and again to unwind.
Despite how
intimidating and challenging it is for me to be around other people and do
things like ‘talk’, express myself and go bowling with my friends; I truly
admire the opportunities they have given me to progress and become more
confident, comfortable and all around a better person. Compliments and showings
of appreciation towards me still aren’t going to fit well with my mentality in
the same way the Eiffel Tower won’t fit into a sandwich that has been printed
using a 3D printer, but I am gradually adapting to the possibility that my
friends appreciate my efforts and will invite me into events and situations
that I would never have thought would be possible.
No matter what
though; the monster that I am (a Hydra imposing as a ‘human being’ who perceives
himself as a lone wolf in black sheep’s clothing) is still there and it won’t
go away completely like the number of complications and hurdles that the NHS
faces. Furthermore as I become more and more comfortable and capable around my
friends; the more and more real the constant fear I have of someday hurting
those I care about becomes. I must stress that I NEVER want to upset, alienate
or hurt (mentally or physically) those who I care about, but I fear that with
unflinching inevitability that I will alas fall into the pitfalls that taunt me
and have fallen into before by unintentionally creating pain to those who have
given me so, so much. It’s a notion that gets dismissed by the majority of whom
I talk to, but I am genuinely honest and fearful when I express my fear of this
daunting inevitably. This is the primary reason why I try to be helpful and
frankly say “I try to be” or something along the lines when someone compliments
me on my efforts because I know that hideous inevitability will reveal itself and
undo the ‘good’ I strive to do and propel the people I care about into the ‘Spiral
of Decline’.
Hence why I
stated previously in posts and to my friends that I experience constant
difficulty, because I’m trying to evade the same path filled with avoidable
mistakes that caused the demise of the friendship I had with my past friend
from the Weymouth Asda café. I do not want to fall into that same loop where no
matter what ‘good’ I do or at least attempt; disaster will follow caused by my
actions.
So I took some
advice from one (1) of my friends and started to read between the lines. This
is what I found:
“A man of
good will who causes unintended harm,
Departs
following divine intervention.
For thou
should not need to morn nor weep,
For the man
they have beaten was a creep.
Though his
kindness was welcomed and felt as it dug in deep,
He ultimately
caused them the pain and despair that made them weep.
As his soul
wonders into the valley of nothingness,
He turns to
utter his last and most sincere words,
“I’m sorry”.
Alas his final
words to whom he addresses to cannot hear,
For they are worlds
apart.”
What does this
mean? The ‘poem’ (if that’s what it is) above is a depicturing a dream/premonition
that I have had for a long time. The man described above is me, who has
departed to the world of the deceased after the intervention caused by the
people he cares for and feels remorseful for the unintended harm he has caused.
The people who have beaten the man (to death) they accepted as a friend, but
now perceive as a creep have prevented him from causing more unintended harm
through the act of intervention of which is defined as ‘divine’ because the man
sees the people he associated with as beings greater than a God. The man now
wondering towards nothingness in the world of the deceased as a result of the
intervention says “I’m sorry” to those he didn’t want to harm but alas
ultimately did, but his sincere words cannot be heard because the people he apologises
to live in the world of the living while he is in the world of the deceased;
hence they are worlds apart.
As unfathomable
or absurd as this may sound to people who may read this post, this is a perception
that I reflect upon on a daily basis because I genuinely feel this way and for
those who know me and I’ve talked to about this, they would know it isn’t
bulls*** fiction that I’ve come up with, even if it’s unlikely to happen in
reality. I fear that no matter what ‘good’ I do, I will commit harm (more
mentally than any other kind of harm) to the people I treasure (i.e. friends
and family) and therefore negatively affect those people. This is the ‘loop’ I
have mentioned in previously on the SJBMCPRS Report, of which I strive to
divert from so that I don’t harm and lose the friends I have. Should alas my
fear happen and I unintentionally create the harm to my friends that I have
sadly and regrettably done to my previous friend (and to some extent to my
family); then I would yearn for the kind of intervention implied in the ‘poem’
or passage above so that I cannot pull more people down to the ‘Spiral of
Decline’.
It’s abysmal and
depressing, but it’s something I have felt for a long time and it’s unlikely to
change like the considerable perception of Chris Benoit following the double murder
and suicide. I’m not deliberately comparing my perception of myself to that of
something truly horrible and traumatising; it’s alas something I know that no
circumstances won’t change, and it’s a burden I’m contented with carrying because
it is a part of my mentality, which therefore is a part of me. The facets of
SJBMCPRS will continue to be the defining attributes of me even if life and
happenstances surrounding me change.
I share this
because while I strive to be better and prove myself wrong by not going down
the path of destruction; I can’t ignore what is a part of me, and I owe it to
the people who tolerate me to be honest. This is what I’ll continue to do on
the SJBMCPRS Report, which means subsequent posts may feature content similar
to this.
With this being
said; I draw this post to a close. I appreciate those who read this post and
the SJBMCPRS Report, though I must urge caution and my apologies should the
content provided creates offensiveness.
Until next time,
see ya!
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